The ProofrEADJer: Mid-January Edition

Today We Say Goodbye To Stuff Advertisers Tell Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

UAG

Another Installment of 'Where Are They Now?'

Riding high after her wildly successful line of mascara, petroleum heiress Bulgur Pilaf has ventured into the high-stakes world of adobe restoration in New Mexico. Her cable channel PILAF documents her latest adobe flips on the show "ADOBE FLIPS".

After sustaining an ACL injury during last week's playoffs, Minnesota Vikings running back Hobby Tumbler announced his early retirement and new role as color commentator on NFL On CBS. His wife Marble will continue being the network's "reporter on the field".

Friovio "Frio" Cling is a fictional character portrayed by Giancarlo Esposito in the crime drama series Breaking Bad and its prequel Better Call Saul.

Let's Make Fun of CVS Products

I don't know if this is a new segment or not. I haven't decided. Whatever.

The implication is clear here: Buy a rollator, get laid.

Her new boyfriend ghosted her in the park, and Kathy began to regret using the N-word during their first date.

Face it. There's no casual way to pull of the cervical collar look.

Love Me Pathmark, Love Me True, Never Let Me Go

These tampons were amongst the "plug ins":

Hey, Even More Perks Of Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because the only ones that do are inconsiderate assholes who text and talk and throw shit on the floor like it's their goddamn fucking living room. But those brave souls who still pay box office prices for the theatre experience can also be AMC Stubs Rewards members, now with these new positive perks:

• Free name tag on your shirt spelled in cursive with nacho cheese

• Complimentary lice consultation after sitting in our seats

• If your mom calls, we'll tell her you're too busy getting laid, wink wink

• Free parking lot 5 miles away with a $10 shuttle ride to the theatre

• Free giant Gummi dong that you'll never finish during the movie and will have to take home and explain to your wife

• We will sit behind you and throw popcorn in your hair, just like in high school

• Complimentary "view vest" which is branded with the AMC logo but doesn't do a damn thing except turn you into a walking advertisement

• If you have large knockers, we will be sure to compliment you on them

Tomorrow: The Triumpant Return of 25 Days of Hallmark Movies: An Exclusive EADJ Month-Long Event

When this segment debuted last year, it was so successful and such a major pain in the ass that we had to do it again: watch 24 Hallmark Christmas movies and write a EADJ Crappinema-style summary every day leading up to Christmas. Watch this space for Yuletide stilted rom com snarkery!

Today We Heckle The Oriental Trading Holiday Catalog

If you ever go to one of those arcades where you pump in countless quarters and end up with a handful of tickets that you can use to purchase useless plastic toy crap? Well, Oriental Trading is where they get that useless plastic toy crap. The holiday catalog has added sections of crap costumes, crap decorations and crap crap.

In a room full of people with ugly sweaters, you can finally stand out from the crowd with the Ugly Sweater Party Sombero. Does it make any sense? No, but look, everyone's looking at you now, puto!

This is a demeaning Nativity costume if there ever was one. I'd rather dress up as a manger turd.

Oh good, you can now get dressed as either Mrs. Claus or Santa's mistress.

Santa A, knowing he was just "good," apparently got belligerently shitfaced before the shoot.

Sadistic hunters string deer up like this before they gut them from crotch to throat.

This stress toy is a friendly reminder that Jesus guides you and also prevents you from murdering everyone at work.

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Analysis, Chapter 2

Last week we posted the hidden meaning behind the photo in a NJ Transit Survey Brochure and happened to stumble upon a few enlightening facts. Here now, we attempt to delve a little further into the symbology behind this masterwork.

Typographical:

A quick font search revealed that the headline was typeset in Autograph Script EF Bold, by Eisner + Flake. The fact that it's a simulated autograph enforces the mimed human interactivity in the photo and the fake conversation is echoed in the fake "handwritten" style of the words. So whether this is a wry clue to the hidden meaning of the photo or just a lazy font choice to go with a lazy, un-thought-out photo shoot, we cannot be sure.

Spectral/numerological:

Based on a suggestion we got from the Kansas City Police Department, we broke the photo down into its most prominent colors, matched them to their Pantone® equivalents, then took those values, added the first three and divided the sum by the fourth number, and the number we ended up with, 6.374, is an interesting, helpful clue.

Now here's where it gets interesting: Lee's Movie Info reveals that on September 6, 1999, one movie happened to make a gross of exactly 6.374 million dollars. That movie? "The Sixth Sense."

THE SIX(!) PEOPLE IN THE PHOTO ARE ALL DEAD.