Spotted In Target

Space Invaders: The Board Game! It's exactly like the classic arcade game, but with way more steps, harder to remember rules and five times the frustration! Finally, the Amish can play Space Invaders!

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello, Infiniti Group International."

"Hi, I think I just killed someone."

"Excuse me?"

"I... I think I just hit a biker in Midtown with my Pathfinder. I think he might be dead."

"Wait, this is not 911. This is the assistance line for Infiniti Group. We sell clocks."

"Clocks?"

"Yes, clocks. Do you have a clock problem?"

"Sort of. I think I killed a guy. I didn't mean – he just came out of a side road and I couldn't swerve in time. Can I turn time back before I did it?"

"Very funny. Please get off the phone."

"No, seriously. I need your help. It says 'Please call for assistance,' and that's what I'm doing."

"Was there an Infiniti brand clock on the scene of the accident?"

"Yes. That's where I found this sticker."

"Okay. Just give me your social security number and location, and I'll send our Temporal Task Force Police to revise your recent history."

"Oh, thank you!"

UAG

Here's What The Hallmark Channel Is Shitting Out For Christmas This Year

Lonely fat hoarders with dozens of cats will enjoy this year's offerings of The Hallmark Channel's holiday soon-to-be classics as part of their Hallmark® Countdown To Suicide Christmas. Here is what to expect on Channel 589:

"A Very Merry Mix-Up" starring Alicia Witt and Mark Wiebe.

Two holiday travelers stuck at the same layover accidentally switch roller bags, resulting in the cavity search of one and the unconstitutional rendition of the other to Guantanamo Bay.

"Baby's First Christmas" staring Casper Van Dien and Rachel Wilson

An abortion doctor meets the girl of his dreams, but realizes she wants to terminate her pregnancy, which happens to be divinely conceived and due on December 25. WHAT TO DO??????

"Lucky Christmas" starring Elizabeth Berkley and Jason Gray-Standford.

A struggling actress tries to live down playing a stripper in the biggest critical and box office bomb of the last century by doing a harmless Christmas-themed TV movie with some nobodies.

"12 Dates of Christmas" starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Amy Smart

A white girl and a white boy meet in Central Park and do a bunch of white things in the white snow. Soundtrack by Isaac Hayes and Parliament.

"My Dog's Christmas Miracle" starring Cynthia Gibb (who?), Greg Evigan (who?), Kendall Ryan Sanders (who?), and Ashley Leggat (who?)

A deceased family dog returns after being buried in nearby Indian burial grounds and proves to be more than a handful for this orderly, Christian home! Also, check out Mom's tits.

"Northpole" starring Tiffani Thiessen and Josh Hopkins

Scarves, hats, and jackets come together on top of a group of human hosts.

Frankly, there are SO MANY of these crap films that we don't have the time or inclination to cover all of them:

What the Fuck™?

Attention ad copywriters: Using everyday interjections for your taglines is unacceptable. Stop it.

Adopting a common phrase to sell your product has been a well-established method in advertising, and it's mostly been acceptable. Like Pabst Blue Ribbon's "What'll You Have?" or McDonald's "I'm Loving It." Familiar phrases that took on an additional meaning thanks to an association with a company's name.




But when you call dibs on "Whoo Hoo!" or "Yay!" you're overstepping your bounds. You're hoping that people will eventually hear someone say "Yay" and want a shitty ice cream cake or some substandard vanilla in a sugarcone. Or hear someone say "Whoo hoo!" and suddenly think about financing their car payments. God, you suck.

What next?




Stealing from the public lexicon is still stealing. And desperately uncreative. So fucking stop it, already. Come up with some original words like "Snickerlicious" or "Epsonality." And you know what? Bud Light trying to "own" the word dude is not okay, either.

At Last– Weeks Later– the Long-Awaited Third and Final Installment of the EADJ Crapcade Review of the Power Games System, Submitted by Lorraine:

"was really fun. I liked it. I want to play again. It was really cool."