The Consumer Electronics Show 2019: What To Expect

A few months from now, industry leaders will be announcing the latest, most cutting edge electronics for consumers. Here's a sneak peek at what's in store at the convention:

• a Pringles can- WITH BLUETOOTH!

• Red Roof Inns will introduce beds that scan for sexually transmitted diseases the moment you finish having extramarital sex in one

• Digital Kayla- all the features of Kayla, except with digital clarity and speed

• The triumphant announcement of Internet Explorer 56

• Some VR bullshit, but now with new bullshit

• Tim Cook will weep in a corner and not take any questions

• A USB stick you can stab someone in prison with

• Free "Huawei or the Highway" t-shirts

• Confused appearance by the cast of "Supernatural"

You Might Not Be Ready For This.

Just when we thought the matter had died down, and there was no more reason to ever report on it again, it happened: we came across a TALLER, YOUNGER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON.




Such a bombshell has rocked the scientific community, especially since the last spotting of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was as long ago as October 26, 2007 by Emilies Sander and Kane. Journals everywhere are scrambling to publish the findings. Curiously, however, Scott himself is unimpressed:

(via email) "There is a slight resemblance, however he seems to lack my outgoing personality."

Personality aside, this new discovery opens a whole slew of new possibilities. Is Scott not the end but merely a link in the ongoing evolution of his species? Or could it perversely actually BE the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson who's moved to New York with weight-loss, shoe lifts, and a few chemical peels? Such a notion is possible considering the abrupt end of SFVOSP spottings in Chicago.




It should again be noted here that Vince has NEVER seen the SFVOSP.