The Palpable Desperation of Safeway Brand Breakfast Cereals

"Hey, I'm a magical creature, too! And look, I've got orange triangles, purple moons, green wedges, yellow...uh...semicircles? Hey, where are you going?"

"I too am a jungle creature, but look at me using my TONGUE instead of my NOSE to find these Silly Circles (No, they're not supposed to be flies; don't be sick)!"

"Hey, you nearsighted grandpa, reach for me over here! That's it! Don't look too closely!"

"Hey, did you know? The expensive cartoon character FLINTSTONE evolved from green generic monkeys like me! And pebbles came from nuggets! It's true! Ask the Smithsonian!"

"Yarrr! Nautical theme over here! I'm not in the military but lookit all these crazy tentacles, son! Don't cry, this cereal is just as good as when your Dad had a job! :("

"I give up."

An Imagined Conversation

The following is yet another continuation of another imagined conversation.

"Okay, Mike. I think I can stay awake another few minutes until we find each other."

"Good. Now look around and tell me what you see."

"I'm in front of the Life Planning Center. Ovulation kits, pregancy tests, stuff like that."

"Do you see a Delsym Cough Relief Center nearby?"

"No."

"Don't move, Sandy, and look closely. It's a big orange kiosk. I'm standing by it, waving."

"Wait, I think I see you, Mike."

"Really?!"

"Oh, no. That's not you. I'm by the Gift Card Center now."

"Goddammit, Sandy, you gotta stop moving. Let me come to you."

"Okay, I'll stop walking. I'm now at the Power Center."

"POWER CENTER??!! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT, SANDY???!!!??!!"

A Tempting Scenario At The Supermarket

There, in the produce department. About crotch-height, a scale.

It's about 10:30pm, and hardly anybody else is in the supermarket. No security cameras in sight.

What to do… what to do...

Oh. Also the burning question, how many grams is my dick?

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Shadow of Pathmark

Think Quick!

A fellow patron at your local TGI Friday's is choking to death and has collapsed! With only minutes to spare you must use whatever's available hanging on the walls to save them! Do you:

• Fan the victim using the 'Haunted House' sign!

• Use the plastic musical notes under their neck to clear air passages!

• Inflate the Yoda latex mask and use it to resuscitate the victim!

• Oh, look. An old photo of Joe Namath when he played for the New York Jets! That's actually a '12' on his sleeve instead of just a '2.' He used to be called "Broadway Joe," you know.

• Yes, that's a picture disc of Gary Numan on that turntable. See, back in my day, most of the singles came on 12" vinyl, so you'd see more of that at the local clubs. Jesus, where's our Sesame Jack Chicken Strips? I ordered Sesame Jack Chicken Strips.

Super Bowl!

I'll admit it: I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I was too busy farting around the house doing something else or other. But I did want to recap this year's Super Bowl commercials, even though I hadn't seen those either. So here are the top ads that probably ran this year:

• Charles Schwab's "Deer Tick" commercial featured the indie band Deer Tick standing on the scalp of Drew Carey.

• Netflix ran a memorable commercial with two donkeys browsing suggested movie titles for them to watch on their donkey DVD player at their donkey house.

• The disease Cancer ran four commercials bragging about how it's all over the place.

• DHL had a commercial about "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown getting an enema from the Fat Boys.

• Jerry Springer appeared in a sensible ad for Baby Einstein® Mealtime serving dishes.

• GoDaddy.com ran a :60 second commercial featuring Danica Patrick's vagina.

• Bud Light continued its hallowed Super Bowl tradition of extremely expensive, unfunny bullshit.

• Lipton Tea ran a very obvious commercial about "Teabaggers" and the "Tea Party" with a big ol' fake march in Washington promoting its tea. Clever.

• Bob Dylan's likeness was illegally used to promote tourism in Little Rock, Arkansas.


**UPDATE: I just watched all of the Super Bowl ads in 15 minutes on YouTube. I was right!!

"Youse" Usage

A snarky, ironic appearance of "yous" at Trader Joe's in Midtown:


And a less ironic, more excellent one in JFK:

My new favorite supermarket.

To those of you not from New York (and how I pity you if you aren't!), there is a chain of supermarkets called Pathmark which, I gotta tell you, is the biggity BOMB, y'all.


Just one glance at the outside gives passers-by a hint of the delightful selections they vend within. Let's look inside! And while we're in there, let's play "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?"

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


(Answers will be revealed next week. The highest scorer wins a jar-full of googly eyes and a signed copy of The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne)