Some Upcoming Movies Based On a 3 Year Old's Puzzles

It's no secret that Hollywood has run out of script ideas for movies. Every available property has been developed into a feature film already, and studio execs are now desperate to find the next big release. Luckily, they found a handful of viable screenplay ideas from some puzzles that my son Trevor was playing with while on the potty. Here are some upcoming blockbusters to watch out for:

"Fishbook" starring Joel McHale, Anne Hathaway, and Tiffany Haddish

It's "The Perfect Storm" meets "Titanic" as a seaside college librarian (McHale) falls in love with a National Guard Captain (Hathaway) during the storm of the century.

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"Ballmoon" starring John Cena, Mandy Rose, Toni Storm, and Lacey Evans

A new low-gravity stadium on the moon has opened, and the toughest moonball players must duke it out to become the Champion of the Universe! Also featuring a cameo by Hulk Hogan. Directed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

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"Lion Fire" starring Tom Bateman, Tyler James Williams, and Maisie Williams

The Samson High Lion Cheer squad discovers an out-of-control wildfire that's threatening to destroy their school (but more importantly, their cheer practice space). The squad improvises and overcomes personal obstacles to become the town's newest firefighting heroes. LION FIRE!

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"Milk Soap" starring Nina Dobrev, Sasheer Zamata, and Basketmouth

A struggling NYC artist (Zamata) hits pay dirt when she fakes the recipe for a trendy new "milk soap" that promises to cure all kinds of diseases and ailments. The lie spreads out of control, and only her best friend (Dobrev) and their local Nigerian bodega owner (Basketmouth) can save her reputation.  Directed by Emma Stone and Spike Jonze

6 Lies Told By the Mount Vernon Brochure

1) New York is the 24th state with the most violent crime rate. You might want to bring your pepper spray than walk around unprotected.

2) Actually closed on George Washington's birthday and during Freaknik.

3) This little shed was George Washington's man room, full of comics, porn and Playstation 1 games.

4) "The distillery" and "gristmill" are both nicknames for the same gift shop.

5) Yes, this is the original Jaws prop from the movie "Moonraker."

6) Free wifi. The password is "1STBITCHES"

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Eat A Dick Joel is pleased to announce "6 Lies" brand coffee beans. Grown in the specially designated area of Jamaica's Blue Mountains, 6 Lies coffee has dark brown color, good acidity, intense aroma, and a good, clean body, and is poisonous only 3 weeks out of the year. Pick up a bag of 6 Lies for your coffee grinder today! Available at CVS and select carwashes.

The Infection Spreads More.

Editor's note: This post is a sequel to a 2009 entry.

Patient Zero of the infection was this lady from December 2008:

Years later, several new cases have been spotted in NY and NJ:

Stock up on water and canned goods. This is fucking terrifying.

UAG

Life's But a Walking Shadow, a Pathmark, That Struts and Frets His Hour Upon the Stage and Then Is Heard No More.

Question: Gee,why won't any of the clerks clean this up?

Answer:

The Lion, The Witch, And the Racist Appliances

Starbucks Announces New Ground Coffee Blend Brands

For years now, Starbucks has sold special house brands of coffee blends at their locations for home brewing. Top selling titles like Gold Coast Blend and Rwanda Hingakawa bring the Starbucks brand in the home and provide a more personal alternative to the coffeeshop experience.

Here now are some new coffee blend labels that Starbucks is releasing later this year:

• Kentucky Sour Mash Coffee

• St. Louis Racial Unrest-accino

• Professor Fartfuck's Cuntin' Dinglecockring Pussyslappers

• Brooklyn Old Jew Blend

• Cleveland LeGround James

• San Antonio Tex-Mex Spicy Espresso

• Austin Weirdo Soap-Flakes-And-Glitter Decaf Blend

• Gotham Dead Parents Hazelnut

• Las Vegas Dark Regret

UAG

Trick Or Pathmark!

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of February 3

Feast your eyes upon this latest offering of underused hash tags from yon Twittersphere. And feel welcome to use any of these on the end of your own Tweets that I shall never read:

#gameofthronesisstupid

#7shotsofcremedementhe

#proudmolester

#snortingspaghetti

#myanusisawonderland

#asiatheband

#timewarnercablelovelovelove

#offmymeds

#pootytang

#myparentsaretryingtheirbestwithme

#youreallyhavetowatchthewireitsonnetflix

#chinks

#gravypuddles

#mypersonalphonenumberis37894382

#havingtroubleshitting

#tweetingfromthebingoparlor

#webbedfootfetish

#cuntpunched

#soysaucerevolution

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of January 28

Here are this week's most underused Twitter hash tags. Feel free to throw any of these onto the end your Tweets:

#jackiejoynerkersee

#seminalvesiclescyst

#iwishicouldcomeout

#vomitingforfun

#hilariouschelseahandlerjokes

#foxnews4eva

#gettingweirdwithmysister

#filipinosaredishonest

#chubbcorporation

#fingering

Hollywood Is Getting Desperate.

Anyone who's seen the trailer for the upcoming "Battleship" movie can tell that Hollywood is seriously running out of ideas when they're greenlighting entire films based on board games. After mining every old TV series, comic book, toy, cereal, video game, and theme park ride for movie ideas, it comes as no surprise that movie studios have now turned to the next hot property for movie rights: the coffee flavors in my office's break room.


Here's a sampling of what's coming to theatres:


"Jet Fuel"
Climb aboard this comedic 3D romp as three dumb astronauts (Jim Carrey, Kevin James and Rob Schneider) blast off to become Saturn's first inhabitants. Also starring Michael Clarke Duncan as NASA's embarrassed administrator and Antonio Banderas and Michelle Rodriguez as the "Coffee People." Rated PG-13 for lewd humor, sexual situations and poop and fart jokes.


"Dark Magic"
Scott Caan, Christian Slater, Kevin Dillon, Taylor Lautner and Colin Farrell play a tough young street gang who meet a wise old magician (Anthony Hopkins) and learn the ways of black magic to beat all of their rival gangs. It's "The Lost Boys" meets "The Outsiders" meets "West Side Story" in this deep, dark, spellbinding adventure. Also starring Minka Kelly because she's pretty. Rated PG-13 for violence that's not gory but something you wouldn't want your kids to try on each other.


"Kenyan AA"
Djimon Hounsou portrays a troubled cab driver in Nairobi who tries to overcome his alcoholism, thanks to the big heart of a visiting businessman (Stellan Skarsgård) in this inspirational story of triumph and the human spirit "with a sparkling finish." Special appearance by President Barack Obama. Rated PG for language and some drug and cigarette use.


"Sumatran Reserve"
Martha (Patricia Clarkson), a biochemist, travels to the deep jungles of Southeast Asia to find a cure for lupus. Her scrappy, uncultured tour guide Jambi (Danny Pudi) proves to both try her patience and stimulate her loins... Rated R for ribald comedy and sexual situations involving a yak.


"Kenya Kilimandjaro," a.k.a. "Can Ya Kill A Man, Jaro?"
Jaro Muthermunn (Jason Statham), one of the world's deadliest big game hunters, returns from self-imposed exile after his mentor, Corsé (Sylvester Stallone) is captured at the base of Mount Kilimandjaro. Jaro reassembles his former team of skilled huntsmen to launch a rescue mission, and also to destroy the nearby drug farm, run by the evil Dark Roast (Terry Crews). Rated R for graphic violence and Jason Statham.

Meanwhilst At Pathmarkst,

a.k.a., the Stockboy Hall of Shame. And actually, this time it isn't Pathmark- it's Target. And it's quite the Easter Egg hunt!


















And here's what you get when you put a Dunkin Donuts inside a Home Depot: