Spotted Recently

That poor third kid.

Goodbye, Non-Hacky Marketing Headlines! Hello, Hacky Marketing Headlines!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! *kiss* Goodbye!

Things To Talk About While Sitting At the Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella

So your parents bought a Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella for the backyard and have invited some people over. You're expected to have lunch or a snack at this thing and worse yet, probably expected to have a conversation with the other kids sitting there. EADJ and Little Tikes have joined together to give you some possible ice breakers and discussion topics:

• Are Capri Suns fruit boxes?

• Paw Patrol is grooming children to accept fascism

• Why do training pants seldom have trains on them?

• Eating your vegetables: A LIBERAL CONSPIRACY

• What foods are there besides pizza?

• Is Caillou a bitch, or is he a TOTAL bitch?

• The dangers of not picking your boogers

• That cloud that looks like a frog never mind

• Why hasn't Trump fired Dr. Fauci yet if he dislikes him so much?

• Can one enjoy Fat Albert and The Brown Horne without the shadow of Bill Cosby's awful legacy?

• Words that rhyme with butt 

Things You Can Expect A Guy With a Giraffe Guitar To Say To You

"I see you've noticed my giraffe guitar. Do you like music?"

"No, this wasn't made from a real giraffe. What am I, a monster?"

"When I play live, I'm on the elephant guitar, but I prefer to practice on this."

"Wanna go back to my place and share a grape juice box?"

"I wrote this song when I was really bored in line with my Mom at the bank."

"I'm headlining at Coachella next year."

"Please don't request 'Old McDonald Had A Farm.' I get that all the time."

"I really love the sharp, bright acoustic sound of the Fisher-Price, but when I want bassier, clean tones with more pickup configuration and a tremolo bridge with wild string-bending action, I can't go wrong with the VTech Zoo Jamz." 

"I wanted to finish playing this four-part arrangement for you, but I just went boom-boom in my pants."

The ProofrEADJER, Rainy Day End of May Edition

A Word On Christmas Cards

Everybody enjoys receiving Christmas cards. It's a time-honored seasonal gesture that keeps people in touch with each other. But there are families that are too happy to send a card that is little more than a captioned photo of their kids.


Sure, it's pretty likely that the friends and loved ones that they've sent cards to are wondering how their kids are. But to just send a photo of your children with hardly a signature or bit of personalization is oddly both thoughtful and thoughtless.


Now, I'm not complaining about receiving Christmas cards– I'm grateful to still be on your list after what happened with my flask at Denny's. I'm just saying that a photo of your kid is not a photo of your entire family. What, did your nose fall off after you climbed Everest?




Oh, but even WORSE than a baby photo Christmas card is the dreaded Christmas family update letter. This has to be the biggest, douchetastic thing you can send to everyone you know– essentially junk mail where you brag about your kid's teeth growing in or your improved golf handicap. Fucking lazy, thoughtless egotism. Write us each a real letter if you're so proud, you cocknut.

An IM Convo

What Not To Wear. Ever.

Spotted in the security line at the Newark Airport, black leggings over pink frilly panties. I will repeat that. Black leggings OVER pink frilly panties.




"Shee-it. I know I look good."

Dear Pathmark Gum Machine Guy:

Nice message you're sending the kids. Fuck you, buddy.

When I say Joel you say Eat Dick. Joel! Eat Dick! Joel! Eat Dick!

Joel toured the state, speaking to high school kids about the dangers of drinking and driving while eating dick. To each school assembly, he brought his now-famous dashboard-and-dudes-lap demo prop. He showed how difficult it was to drive and eat dick, especially while drunk and playing "Beautiful" by James Blunt on the car radio. Some kids fainted. A couple of "cool kids" laughed.

(pictured above, fur coat and pajama bottoms)