The Latest McDonald's Happy Meal Prize Toys

 Note: Although this is dated April 1, this is post featuring real McDonald's promotional toys.

The most recent wave of Happy Meal toys is very self referential and arguably UN-fun: Introducing Lil McDonald's, miniature versions of your favorite McDonald's things that you find sitting around McDonald's, but in playable MINIATURE form that you can take home! Great, right? Let's check out these amazing new toys:

Look, the legendary McDonald's broken ice cream machine! And the toy doesn't do anything, JUST LIKE THE REAL THING!

Not to be confused with the ice cream machine is the almost-identical McDonald's CONDIMENT DISPENSER. Who asked for this? Not your kids!

Okay, a Happy Meal on a tray. Fine. Maybe check inside that miniature Happy Meal box for a more fun prize.

Hey, check it out. A drive through order station. Now you can make your Hot Wheels cars pull around and order fast food because they don't have enough time to sit down for a healthier lunch. Fun!

The next few miniatures are possibly the most mystifying toys that no kid is asking for: METHODS OF PAYMENT!

First off, yaaaay, the kiosk in McDonald's that's taken the place of ordering at the counter! Scroll through the menu on a dirty screen to order what would take 5 seconds talking to a real person! Then take a number and sit your ass down!

For those lucky enough to order with a worker at a register, here's the McDonald's register / swipe station. Now Barbie can pay for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal with her credit card. Counter and apathetic Mickey D's employee not included.

Look, it's a miniature smart phone loaded with the McDonald's app that they're always asking you to use now when you order so they can track your McDonald's purchase history! This is a BRANDING HEAVEN / DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE!

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"I know I'm an unreliable witness, being a moonshine distiller and all, but I did see 'em."

"Would I like to go steady? Charles! I think this is happening too fast! Just yesterday we were almost holding hands on my aunt's front porch!"

"What was that thing called again? It's a fish salad dish... starts with an S or a C... Saville? Saviche? Cravitz?"

"Wow, this documentary kept promising it was longer."

"You called it a hiatus. A hiatus doesn't last 6 years, Leslie!"

"Yes, I am a fashion illustrator. I draw handsome men for magazines. Draw nudes? Where's the money in that?"

UAG

EADJ's New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year! We at EADJ are excited for a fresh start, so here is a list of our New Year's resolutions:

• Stop ordering a venti soy latte at Dunkin

• Win a fight with a bouncer

• Get my body bikini ready for summer 

• Start working on that Bee Gees biopic again

• MORE MUCILAGE

• Call your mother back

• Prepare for Lent

• Connect with the universe like some New Age idiot

• Make you like me

• Learn the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Around The World"

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Clit and Taint: Do It Again

• Windbattles

• Scarcely a Zebra, Don

• Shadowboxing With Actual People

• Doxxing The Elderly

• My Hand

• These Flanges Fucking Suck

• Ian Watson Will Threaten You In The Queen's English

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Marvel's Watcher

• Zack and Cody Build a Meth Lab

• The Emboldened Idiots

• Project Runway: Heterosexual White Guy Edition

• You Are Not Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

• Jim Henson's Muppet Erotica

• I Am Not Kevin Hart With A Hat starring D.L. Hughley

UAG

Figure 1.1- A Graph I Made

Click to enlarge, print, and display at your food cart

This Week In Hip-Hop Awfulness

Once again, we highlight the best and worst in hip hop album and mix tape covers. Mostly the worst.

I don't care if you put on 3D glasses or not, you cannot possibly look tough surrounded by confetti.

That portable Beats By Dr. Dre speaker goes for $400. Just hand over that one wad on the right.

Sonny Digital and X Que finally earn enough money to make the cover of the rare "Atlanta square format" edition of Forbes Magazine.

No change needed, Don Trip.

"HEY. I WANT YOU TO DO MY LAUNDRY. BUT SEPARATE MY DARKS FROM MY WHITE GARMENTS. I CAN'T STAND HAVING BLUE STREAKS IN MY WHITE TANK TOPS."

When your car's grill is shinier than yours, it might be time to switch to a baking soda-based toothpaste.

The Biggest Revelations From The Interview With Fergie In The Spring Issue of Walgreens "Happy and Healthy" Guide

• The real talent of the group? apl.de.ap

• During her Super Bowl halftime performance singing "Sweet Child O' Mine," Fergie says she could see Slash's soul leaving his body.

• Sinus Relief Wash Kit- $3 off. Limit 3

• Her relationship with Josh Duhamel is totally boring

• Before she sucked solo and sucked with the Black Eyed Peas, did you know she sucked in a girl band called Wild Orchid?

• Maple Bacon Jerky 3.25 oz. 2/$7 or 3.99 ea. with membership card

• When she's not ruining music, her favorite hobbies are shopping and not ruining music.

• It takes the average retoucher 653 man hours to retouch photos of her.

• She actually sang backup vocals for Katy Perry's "Firework." Not really.

• She no longer eats caramel corn from those big tin canisters you get at Christmastime along with cheese corn and chocolate corn because her turds came out massive.

• Prefers the Harry Potter books to listening to her own music.

• Once stormed offstage after being heckled by a bat.

• Does push-ups between takes so her voice comes out sweaty.

• Calcium Extended Release Tablets- buy 1 get 1 50% off with membership card

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Dragons II: Metal Ages, The Movie

Do you remember playing with your toys as a kid and thinking, "Hey, this would make a great movie?"

Well, it won't. Because chances are the storylines you'd devised with your toys were nonsensical, made up on the fly, and ultimately unwatchable to other people. Which pretty much describes "Dragons II: Metal Ages, The Movie."

The makers of Mega Bloks saw movies made for Transformers, Ninja Turtles and even coffee flavors from my break room and figured that they too could run a feature-length commercial and make a lot of money. Problem is, they didn't have a story to tell and didn't want to sink a lot of money into the "film".

The result is this poorly written, poorly animated movie from 2005 that looks like the demo reel to a computer graphics school. Like this:



The only other thing I'd like to say about this is that I didn't really feel the love for this movie from the animators, either. You'd think they would just love to render dragons and armies and fire, but I get the sense the Mega Bloks people were real pricks to the animators for some reason- like they made them bring in their own toilet paper from home or something- so the animators gave minimum effort to complete this project. Let's enjoy!













































The following is dialogue taken verbatim from this scene, although I had to rewind it half a dozen times to make out what he was saying:


"You, Draigar, will march to confront them at the Shadow Temple. Meanwhile, your Norvagen manowar fleet will sail here, round the Cape of Ryusen and down past the ancient ramparts."

So for the hell of it, I used the ironically named Dragon Dictation app on my phone to transcribe that dialogue.


This is what the Dragon Dictation app heard:

"March to confront shadow meet your goals I can Matto will see you here around the table price and down past the ancient ramparts"


































Overall grade: F