VidCon Speaker Schedule UPDATE!

This month's upcoming VidCon will be a banger. Even more so with the newest additions. Here's who to look forward to at the industry's premiere event for content creators and influencers:

• Teach Me Dad will abandon you, just like your real Dad did

• Podcaster Ted Cruz will reveal that he is also a U.S. Senator

• Beauty blogger San Diana will disavow the trend of 'muted blurry lips' at the risk of ruining her 3 month reputation

• Blue and Black Dress vs. White and Gold Dress Dodgeball Deathmatch

• Brainstorm or Green Needle Dodgeball Deathmatch

• Free mustard samples from French's Mustard, the "Hip and Happening Mustard For All Your Content Creator Needs!"

The Latest New Guests For Next Week's VidCon

This year's VidCon, the world's foremost forum for content creators and influencers, opens next week. Here are the latest scheduled guests: 

• Rob Squad Reactions will react to their own reaction videos, creating a black hole in spacetime

• Couple vloggers Munro and Ciati will cheat on each other in simulcast streams

• OVERALLS STUD will shed his overalls persona to talk about the hardship of creating overalls videos

• A giant LIKE button will be displayed at the center of the convention center, and people can pay $10 to SMASH it

• A.I. girlfriend programmer Rand Strougher reveals what his creations' turn-ons and turn-offs are

Uh... Thanks, Blogger

Pictured above, I suddenly get notices for hundreds of past EADJ posts for possibly unacceptable content. I blame Supreme Court prude and busybody Amy Coney Barrett.

The EADJ Fiverr Experiment: A Major Setback

Hey, remember yesterday when we were so excited for someone to guest write a blog entry for us? Well, it's already a bust.

"Report me"?! For what? So not only does this person back out of the deal, she feels like she needs to report me for some reason. Mind you, there was nothing about my original communication that warranted any reporting. My only guess is that she was somehow offended by the name of the blog. Maybe she has a boyfriend or husband named Joel. Maybe she can't handle the challenge of writing an Ugly Andrew Gall from scratch. 

Shoot. Thanks for nothing.

An Imagined Conversation

"And the design for the new Power Wheels racer is here... VOILA!"

"..."

"Nice, huh? Focus groups really liked the green, but I thought hot orange would've been the favorite."

"Is... is that a wheelchair?"

"No, this is the new Power Wheels Wild Thing! It says right there on the box."

"Trent, it looks an awful lot like a wheelchair. Do we want kids who aren't disabled to play with a wheelchair?"

"Uh... maybe we got off on the wrong foot here, Bart. This was the winning design according to research. And none of the research groups brought up the fact that this resembled in any way a conveyance for the disabled. Nope."

"I see. Now, is there any way to make this not look so much like a wheelchair?"

"You're not hearing me. No one that we showed this design to thought it looked like a wheelchair. I believe maybe your imagination is working a little hard right now ha ha, right Nancy?"

"Keep me the fuck out of this, Trent."

"Look, Trent. We spent an awful lot of money developing and researching the next Power Wheels Wild Thing."

"I know."

"And the last thing we need is to roll out a product to market that looks absolutely like a wheelchair."

"Okay. You may be right about it looking like a wheelchair after all, Bart. But maybe that isn't a bad thing. Maybe this is a sly way to show people that being disabled isn't something to be ignored or ashamed of. Maybe this is a way for kids to learn to have more empathy for people who are differently abled. And maybe... just maybe this could be the product that brings our company to the forefront of a conversation that our society has ignored for too long: how to empower the disabled so that everyone can contribute to and enjoy society on an equal approach to ability/disability."

"Wow. You made that up on the spot, didn't you?"

"TOTALLY! Pretty good, huh? Okay, we'll scrap this and start over, Bart."

Your Guide To Living Excellently By Steve Bannon

Hi guys.

Steve Bannon here. I'm sure a lot of you are wondrering why I would make time in my already busy schedule to write a column on an unknown blog about how to live excelently. Well, it's because I care about you people, and I wanted to share the secrets I've dicovered that can get you to where I am now. So let's begin and HAVE SOME FUN!

The first thing we need to address in this wonderful 3-part series is CAPITLASISM. From the lemonade stand on your corner to the multicongolmeate international corporations you see today, we need to feed the wheels of industry to make society pay for its liberal sins of civil rights SUCCEED!

And how do we do this? Simple! In addition to continuing the honored traditions of nationalism, sexual modesty, patriarchy, and religion, we have to GO OUT TO EAT!  That ensures that all the rules of society don't break down into orgies, civil disobedience and miscegenation. Also, TIP YOUR WAITRESSES! They work hard, and you gotta give it up to them for doing they're job so well!

Am I making sense? I hope so. I'm writting this on a Blackberry in a limo bound for GOLDEN CORRAL!!!!! That's right. I PATRICE WHAT I PREACH and I am feeding the weels of industry by spending my hard earned white money into an honest white Christian business. PROGRESS!

Okay enough fun for my first entry. I spilled some pork n beans on my suit pants here. Also I think I'm either getting a goiter or there's a squirrel under my chin. SEE YOU SOON!

Love and white power,

Steve

UAG

Ugly Andrew Gall = one break every week from writing a real entry.

Pease Porridge Hot, Pease Porridge Cold, Pease Porridge In The Pot, Racist Appliances

Come On Now, Blogger

Very recently we at EADJ pointed out technical difficulties with our blog service, which we hoped was a one-time glitch in our five-year run. And today, we found another impediment to posting regularly on this blog:


Where there would normally be a sign-in button was instead a cropped out row of blog templates. So now I can't even log in to post!

But how did I blog in just now to post this post, you ask? What are you, a cop?