A Friendly Note From Those Creepy Neighbors That Want To Have A Threesome With You

Hi neighbor! We're back from our fabulous trip to the Maldives. Thanks for collecting our mail for us.

We brought you a souvenir from our exclusive water villa: the resort we stayed at had these free tiny bottles of body lotion on the bedstand. It smells of coconut and aloe, and we both thought of you!

But seriously, the Maldives are absolutely breathtaking. When we weren't making love on the dock or furiously manipulating each others' genitals by the pool, we took in the gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and just relaxed. We truly wish you were with us. Maybe next time!

Feel free to come by the house sometime so we can show you all the incredible photos we took on our phones. We might even show you some of the racy movies we recorded of each other (wink wink)! Maybe you can be our next cameraman (or subject)!

Best,

Walter and Josannah

New Segment: EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog

 

After 11 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel thinks it's time we started featuring products we like. And it turns out 100% of those fine products are coincidentally featured in the vaunted Sharper Image catalog. Here now are our favorite items for sale there:

(Click to enlarge and read)

The Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

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Scoring Guide

6 Correct: You know your clouds/toilets!

4 Correct: You probably need to stop studying with "MasterChef Junior" on

3 Correct: Your parents never loved you. They told us

2 Correct: Stop fingering your dog

1 Correct: Die.

Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

Previous entry here.

Charles: "Aw man. That was my favorite Caribou Coffee location."

Dexie: "Run from the comets! All of them! RUUUUUUUNNN!"

Vince Offer: "You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop!"

Ted (lighting a cigarette): "So you're my daughter or something?"

Candace: "I guess so."

Ted: "Well, shit."

Sylvester Stallone's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's Rocky Balboa and/or self-effacing humor about the way he talks]

Robert De Niro's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's played Jack LaMotta, Travis Bickle, and Al Capone. Also, the mandatory "You talking' to me?" line]

Ethan: "Wait a minute. There's an ACTUAL alien invasion, and the aliens' only weakness is laser beams, and the only people that can stop them are people with laser tag guns like us?"

Hamas: "Yeah, us and grocery store clerks with scanners. And anyone with laser pointers."

Mrs. Dott (taking off her skin-tight yoga pants): You boys don't mind if I do some yoga nude, do you?

Gregory: "Whooaaah mama!"

Vic: "Hubba hubba hubba! Lookit that bush!"

James: "That's my mom, but I'm totally erect! WTF!"

Contractor: "...and here on page 3, in section 45A, you need to initial here, here, and here, and then sign your full name at the bottom. Here's a pen. Today's date is August 18."

Amber: "You need to find the PERFECT MAN, Mom!"

Terri: "Yeah, Mom, although you've singlehandedly raised us alone since birth, you need the presence of a MAN in the house to validate us as a complete family!"

Mom: "Oh, you kids with your outmoded societal ideals of patriarchal authority! I love you!"

Here Are Your Year-End Job Numbers

Hello, all. Kiersten from HR here. I wanted to remind everyone to fill in your timesheets BEFORE leaving for the break. Too many times now, we've left jobs open and couldn't bill the client and had to move budgets around to compensate, and let me tell you, WE ARE NOT DOING WITHOUT WEDNESDAY DONUTS EVER AGAIN.

So please use these job numbers for your 2015 timesheets and submit them either digitally or hand them to Gary (NOT Sylvia) by the end of the week.

Have a great break, guys!

-----------------

47339 - Head boppin'

05594 - Body rockin'

13781 - Doin' the do

03392 - Beer drinkin'

93738 - Breath stinkin'

99581 - Sniffin' glue

50254 - Belly flippin'

30339 - Always illing

86144 - Bustin' caps

39018 - My name is Mike D

92826 - and I write my own snaps

There's A Pathmark For That

Shut your holes!

An Open Letter To "Nyosha G"

Dear Nyosha G,

Thank you so much for the wonderful package from Bedbathbeyond.com. Like your sticker on the side says, it was certainly packed with pride. I have never seen a showerhead so meticulously prepared for shipping the way you lovingly prepared its uncertain journey. You certainly take *PRIDE* in your job.

A couple of questions: That one loose sheet of paper among all the packing peanuts that had the hand-scrawled message "PLEASE HELP ME" in crayon. That was a joke, right, Nyosha? Thought so! Good one! LOL

Also, along the side of the box, there were some odd numbers that didn't match my tracking number. They looked like this:

6.1750° S, 106.8283° E

Now, my husband tells me that those are actually global coordinates to a small sweatshop in Jakarta, Indonesia, but he's an X-Files fan, and you can't trust him with his silly conspiracy theories!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to thank you for packing such a wonderful package, Nyosha G.  The showerhead will be a lovely present for my Aunt Hazel, and I'll be sure I'll tell her "hey" for you!

Take care, dear!

Chelsea D

Bangor, Maine

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up

I'm 13% certain she was going for the "Star Lord" look, but she achieved it.

The Scottish clan whose tartan pattern this represents put a bounty out on that slacker kid's head.

"I am a fun-loving person. Look at my fucking feet."

A Bill Cosby sweater, in this day and age? Points for balls, I guess.

This suave, debonair Lothario spoke in a deep Russian accent. No change necessary, Romeo!

The atrocity known as the Man Bun must be clipped in the nub.

I really hope she nails that job interview she's on her way to.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Did you miss this segment? Because it missed you.

The Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number, Pt. II

It's not even spring, and the spring colors are already out in Manhattan. Here are four hot new colors to step over on NYC's busy streets: