And On The Left Side of The Plane, Racist Appliances

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Remove Mildew In Your Bathroom

Bathroom mildew occurs after extensive water use and dirt accumulation. Typical bathroom ventilation systems and access to fresh air is limited, so mildew is given an ideal environment to thrive. It ends up being one of the easiest stains to develop but also the hardest to clean. Here are a few easy-to-follow steps in ridding mildew stains in the bathroom:

The first thing that is necessary to ease the pressure involved in this labor intensive job is the soaking of the mildew. This is done by adding 2 teaspoons of baking soda to an empty spray bottle and then pouring half a cup of lime juice on it quickly. This alkaline and acidic combination will cause a foaming reaction inside of the spray bottle. You can now spray the contents of the spray bottle on every mildew build-up in the bathroom. It provides a soaking action that will cause the mildew to lift off the surface and make the areas a bit easier to clean. Leave the lime juice/baking soda concentrate on the penetrated areas for at least 15 minutes before the manual cleaning process begins.

After the soaking process has been completed, it is now time to put on the rubber gloves and use the lime/ baking soda solution bottle and fill it with water. Re-Spray all the spots that were sprayed before but this time with water.

Toothbrush bristles come in very handy to tackling all those hard to reach stains. Every so often, dip the cloth into the bucket of water, squeeze and then wipe down all the areas that have previously  been scrubbed. This will give you a chance to see all the progress you have made thus far, as well as provide additional incentive to keep on working hard. A metal scrubber can be used in extremely tough mildew areas.

And speaking of metal, some of the most polite, considerate fares I've driven in my limo were members of the heavy metal bands Anthrax and Megadeth. It's true! They're total gentlemen.

Stay safe, kids!

Is That An Erect Penis In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Lobster To See Me?

Lobsterfest® seems to pop up at the least convenient time for people– when you're doing your taxes, when you've been caught shoplifting, or when you just murdered your high school guidance counselor. Still, here at Red Lobster, it's our commitment to serving this lobster stuff to you no matter what, so you just better recognize and show the fuck up. This newest batch of savory ways to enjoy lobster have been submitted by guest servers Andrew, Vince, Megan and Shaleah:

• At Red Lobster, we know that respecting the ancestors of lobsters is an important thing. Before these lobsters are consumed in fits of glorious gluttonousness (and with tasty rolls and possible sprinkle cookie desserts!), we allow our lobsters to steal old lobster shells from the tables and burn them in an effigy of sorts. And that’s a rather confusing and possibly nonsensical way to enjoy Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• In the interest of all fairness and impartiality, for one weekend every second month, we invite the local lobster contingency to sit around our largest oak family dining table and eat a human. We also distribute bibs with humans on them so the lobsters can have a sanitary dining experience. Following the meal, everyone gets wafers. And that’s a pretty darn fair way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• In addition to being a family restaurant, we at Red Lobster consider the lobster sacred. Almost like a deity. But not quite, since we serve copious amounts daily and our livelihood depends on customers eating them. Nevertheless, we sometimes, without warning, encourage diners to wear rubber bands on their hands to honor lobsters—beginning with the kitchen staff and franchise general manager. We find it’s easy to pressure everyone into doing something when we do it first and then bother you when we bring you your bread but before we bring you your lobster. And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• By insisting customers have a sunburn in order to eat our lobster at our restaurant, we once again attempt to respect the great snapping sea-beast while at the time eating them ravenously. What a buttery moral dilemma! And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Everyone at Olive Garden dips their bread sticks in butter, then storms Red Lobster in excitement. It’s like holding a staff from a position of authority. We’re talking kings and horsemen, archdukes and sailors, but sailors who want to be from an earlier period where women stayed home and men ate more fish than is medically recommended! And that’s just ANOTHER way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!



(BONUS JOKE: FROM VINCE)

What did one male lobster say to the other male lobster when they were on the prowl?

Hey, ready to get some lobster tail?




Editor's Note: after sending these entries, Andrew wrote: "for some reason, many of these were based on some sort of lobster affirmative action, I now realize."

Also, Vince has been awarded the Onyx Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page for submitting a bonus joke.

Swipe This

Spotted in the Milwaukee airport (don't ask):

Three Questions For The Free Credit Report Dude

1) Please stop.

2) Why is your shit so poorly lip synched every time?

3) Why are you happily singing about your current hopeless financial situation? Why don't you and your little buddies just have a regular gig somewhere, and that can be the steady job you have to start saving money, get out of debt and slowly but surely repair your credit rating? God, I sound like my Dad.

*Bonus Question: Are you actually having a relationship with this woman?


It's okay if you are.

BONUS Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight:


From the YouTube page featuring the Free Credit Report commercial at the Renaissance Fair, a comment by renandstumpd:

"OMG I saw jesus."