InfoWars's Newest Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and his merry band of idiots are continuing to cook up a new batch of batshit craziness for their gullible fans. Here are the latest untrue news stories to be aired soon:

• American Girl Doll Stores are secret North Korean operations using doll technology to spy on us.

• Whenever you make slime with your kids in your kitchen at home, Obama makes $40.

• Fentanyl is really angel blood that's so potent that we can't handle it.

• If you play "Cuff It" backwards, Beyonce recites the Lord's Prayer.

• Democrats are secretly running a national multi-level marketing scheme involving seed packets and Fortnite V-Bucks

It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Shit Marketers Are Telling You To Say Goodbye To

Bye! Goodbye! Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Bowl of Fruit Was Happy

Bowl of Fruit was happy.

Shake Shack Deep Fryer was apathetic.

Dust Devil Part felt goofy.

Crates Outside Walgreens were neutral about it.

Ice Cream Cone Packaging was shocked! SHOCKED!

And Stacked RC Trucks was just depressed about it all.

6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum Brochure

1) The dance room isn't actually interactive. The stupid lights will blink and flash whether you dance or not. A ripoff, really.

2) Not the weirdest place on the Wharf. The weirdest place on the Wharf is actually a section of sidewalk where some guy hiding as a bush scares the shit out of tourists and then asks for change.

3) "Tattoos cover 95% of my body!" Not true. I dated her, and it's a mere 93%. I measured it.

4) "Made entirely of CAR PARTS." False. There are clearly minivan, delivery truck, and hybrid crossover parts in there.

5) Times up. You're too old to breakdance.

6) "Odditorium, San Francisco." Redundant.

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More Terrible Taglines For A Movie We All Forgot About (Or Never Heard Of To Begin With)

Let There Be Racist Appliances And Let It Begin With Me

Some New Movie Script Ideas Based On The Edibles Section Of A Home Goods Store

Major movie studios are still clamoring for the next "Hunger Games," "Avengers" or "Hobbit" franchise, but they'll settle for a single good movie idea, too. Here now are the latest ideas green lighted by Hollywood, based on the third shelf of the "Edibles" section at a Home Goods store in Jersey (whew, what a setup):

"Chick Pz" 

This premium roasted animated comedy stars Jack Black and Dane Cook as two dumb farmhands who discover a meteor at their chicken farm, which turns all of the chickens into aggressive rapping poultry B-boys. Kate Hudson stars as Melody, the mother hen chanteuse.

"Nosewarmer Punch"

Ben Stiller stars as a lightweight boxer who learns he can make more money getting knocked out. His unscrupulous manager (Ving Rhames) encourages him not to take a dive but to really get knocked out as quickly as possible. Also starring Bradley Cooper as Lightweight Champion boxer "Short Shrift."

"Trapani Sea Salt"

This beautiful epic, shot by master cinematographer Claudio Miranda ("Life of Pi") is also directed by Ang Lee and features a film score by Mychael Danna. It stars Dev Patel and Kal Penn and features special creature and digital effects from Digital Domain. Still no word what this movie is about, however.

"HimalaSalt," or "HIM à la Salt" starring Shailene Woodley ("The Descendents") and Eric Bana ("The Time Traveler's Wife") is the stirring story of a girl growing up in rural Pennsylvania who discovers that all the salt from the local salt factory actually comes from her father's active sweat glands. Directed by Spike Jonze, so you know critics will jack off all over it.

"La Masrojana" is the latest travelogue film from Woody Allen, where he directs a handsome man (Hugh Jackman) to act all "Woody Allen-y" and inevitably bed some amazingly hot Latin women (Sofia Vergara, Penelope Cruz and Eva Mendes). And once again, critics will jack off all over it. Rated PG-13 for Latin sexual situations.

The Worst of All Possible Outcomes

Spotted today at the front entrance of the Old Bridge Deli, the beloved Rolly Wrap machine is slated for removal.



Here to commemorate the passing of a beloved foodstuff, a poem by e. e. cummings, slightly altered for this entry:

i carry your rolly wrap with me


i carry your rolly wrap with me(i carry it in
my stomach)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no bread(for you are my bread,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever that guy with the mustache and dirty apron has always meant
and whatever an oven will always bake is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the menu that offers roni, cheesy, super, munch roll, or veggi

i carry your rolly wrap(i carry it in my stomach)


e. e. cummings

An Upcoming EADJ Segment: The Crappinema!

EADJ is proud to announce a new segment for 2008: The Crappinema! Here at the Crappinema we'll review some straight-to-video DVDs that we bought for a dollar each (with TWO MOVIES to a disc!) from Pathmark.

We will be viewing these films in a minimized window at work, so much of what we understand about these films will be wrong. But who gives a yay, right.

Coming soon: A review of The John Davidson / Joan Van Ark thriller Shell Game: A convicted con artist sets out to expose the head of a charity fund who has been embezzling money to cover his huge gambling losses. Directed by Glenn Jordan. 90 min. Rated PG

Let's moisten the top part of the opening of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Todd Crisman submitted the following photos via cameraphone while he waited for the Metra train:



Man.