Things Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex and Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex Talk About

• How Grandpa looks silly in that crown

• What tell-all books they could write, now that both of them have already told all in tell-all books

• What's new on Netflix

• How things were different shooting on Hallmark Movie sets, but different in a good way

• Where to store these polo boots in this lousy 2 bedroom apartment

• If being a Duke or Duchess expedites hiring at Walmart

• Who farted

UAG

The EADJ Pun Police: Hogwarts Disciplinarian Edition

"Welcome class, to Hogwarts. My name is Hazel Showham, and you will call me Ms. Showham. In these halls, you are expected to restrict any magic to the classroom and NOT in the hallways between sessions for the duration of the semester. Also, since you now know the magical properties of words, any type of unauthorized wordplay or 'puns' will be dealt with immediately. Let this be your first and final warning."

"Ugh. WINE-ter? That isn't even close. Punus Eructo!"

"Not impressed. That isn't sophisticated at all. Begon terribulum!"

"Yawn. Awee flotillum!"

"Now this is interesting in how awful it is. It marries Halloween and Star Wars with terrible puns over the lame streetsmart phrase 'Keepin' it real.' Some extra effort was put into this multiple atrocity and will take an extra strong spell to be rid of it. ENTIRUUM GULAG!"

"Song lyrics turned into puns is particularly evil. Very dark evil. Gastrato millipedia!"

"New location? They serve guacamole? I don't love it, but I'll allow it. Stet."

"Oh goody. Food puns galore! With underlines so you GET IT! Punctuatis underlinum! Away!"

"Fie! A multiple pronged, lyrics-based pun! I know no spell powerful enough to suppress or counter it! Evacuate the school, children! Grab your brooms, fly to the nearest exit!"

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

I've Never Hated An Object So Much In My Life.

Spotted at a Pottery Barn Kids in an upscale mall: a nonworking Dyson® vacuum that retails for $129.99. Really.


It's a Dyson, so the parents will assume it's quality because of the price and will teach their kids to be blindly faithful to brand names. And it's pink, so you know it's supposed to be for girls. Because women do all the cleaning. Well, the Mexican ones do.


If I ever won the lottery, I'd buy up all of these wretched pieces of shit and smash them under the weight of my angry balls.

Harrison Ford, We're Not Through With You Yet.

Here's a flyer I found at the New York Comicon over the weekend:


I didn't want to visit the URL; the flyer was wonderfully random and preposterous as it was. But my curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up. Turns out it's a (poorly acted) episodic series about several guys obsessed with Harrison Ford, so much so that they seek getting chin scars, rummage through Harrison Ford's trash, and recite Harrison Ford haiku. Think "Clerks" without the content. It's got the overenthusiastic, "We're funny, dammit" desperation that I've seen on the FX series "The League." Or this blog.

As If Pot Smokers Didn't Have Bad Enough Hygiene Already.

Add tooth decay to the list. Spotted at a hip-hop festival last month, some one-hitter-shaped candy called "Lollipipes:"


"Edible candy that doubles as a pot pipe? How does it work?" Well, dummy, first you pack your weed into the bowl, then you light the bowl and smoke it, then you get super-high, and start coming up with ridiculous ideas like "Hey, man, what if this pipe were made of candy, then we could start selling it and actually make rent this month?" Then you eat the candy pipe and wonder why it tastes burnt.


While I applaud the entrepreneurial spirit of marketing a new invention, I can't get over how utterly stupid this Lollipipe thing is. It seems marketed to those kids young enough to still enjoy candy but are old enough to start trying drugs; basically it's people who wear pacifiers to raves, and didn't everyone stop doing that after 1999? Shit.


I guess the ONE good thing about Lollipipes is that if you eat enough of them, you'll get a big enough cavity in one of your teeth so you can hide your stash in it.

Indiana Jones and The Curse Of Not Being Able To Eat Lunch In Peace Anywhere

Spotted in a noodle shop on 50th Street: a photo on the wall reveals that Indiana Jones wasn't as happy to see Short Round again as one would think.


The thing that's truly amazing about this photo is that whoever took it totally captured the midpoint between a smile and a frown on Harrison Ford's face. I mean, his eyes are kind of smiling, but his mouth just sort of gave up.


Try this fun bonus trick: Look at the photo, and you can sort of see him smiling. Now look away, then look back at him. He's not smiling anymore!


These noodles are chewy. Get it?!?

Relevant link

Pewabic Pottery

Hello from Michigan! We are Pewabic Pottery, Michigan's only historic pottery, founded in 1903 at the height of the Arts & Crafts Movement and now a National Historic Landmark.

For over a century, Pewabic artisans, or "Pewbs," have worked tirelessly to craft our now famous Pewabic pottery. The number of Pewbs grew exponentially in the 1970's, although in recent years the numbers have been shaved a lot due to Brazilian influences.


Our Pewabic studio offers adult education workshops, where people from all over can probe, scratch and bury their face in Pewabic designs. One of our instructors, Ginger, has become quite popular in showing her reddish Pewabic materials. Many students have even commented on the workspace itself, remarking how well our carpet matches our drapes.


So drop by sometime to see and touch our Pewabic treasures. Our building is located in the crotch of Cadillac Blvd and Jefferson Avenue, near the "Y." Look for the building on the raised part of the street, or the "Pewabic Mound."

Let's Compare the Soaking Ability of the EADJ Mail Sack To That of Your Typical Sham-Wow!

Submitted by John Reid, a vehemently anti-Republican real estate company that also happens to make millions of dollars. Somebody's taxes are going up.

NOT Coming Soon: The EADJ Crap-brary

Yeah, the idea crossed my mind. And it sure is tempting to do, but I don't get around to reading good books, much less "For the Love of Grace" by Ginna Gray.

Hey Joel / Where You Going With That Dick In Your Hand

Joel once released a box set of journals of his dick-eating escapades. In them, he documented his musings and theories of why he loves dining on penis so much. He even included some pencil sketches of his more memorable meals.

Unfortunately, the price of the journals ($429.99 each) was cost prohibitive to his dozen fans, and Joel never made a dime. What's worse, Joel has yet to pay the $5159.88 Discover Card bill that he has from that trip to Kinko's. Boingggg!

Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling uses rolls of $1000 bills as tampons.

(pictured above, Jeanette's maternal instinct misguides her to the doggie dress section at Target)