This Is Real.

Spotted in a safety insert on a United flight:

United asks only Gen X dads to keep their safety belt on at all times.

"It's cool! No one will ever notice!"

It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Stuff That Bad Ad Copywriters Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Ta ta!

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 13, 2018

Hello everybody! It's Sam from Sam's Sandwichery downstairs. I cater sandwiches for all your client meetings and whatnot. The CEO asked me to send out the job numbers for this week since she couldn't be in the office today. There will also be sandwiches in the Fish Bowl for you but ONLY AFTER you complete your timesheets for the week. That was the deal. Also, please take only the mayo packets you know you're going to use. Some of you are stealing a bunch of them downstairs, and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use:


360278: Pretending to give a shit how somebody's weekend was

042490: Gazpacho

662755: Reaching for a landline phone that isn't there anymore

821217: Giving it to her good

600003: Checking for testicular cancer in the elevator

474201: Wondering who stole your Han Solo figure

361755: Sneaking that 4K Smart TV past security

825556: Talking about your shitty musical taste with that other cocksucker your age

022192: Reminiscing over you, my god

925944: Stealing mayo packets at Sam's Sandwichery

UAG

Creepy Pope

Spotted at the Rectory of the Catholic Church down the street from me, a cardboard standee of Pope Francis in honor his visit to New York:

Nice sentiment, but the fact that it's lit from under and is standing in a dark window gives me the heebie-jeebies (that is NOT a Jewish slur).

I do love how his Holiness is shooting one gun-finger like he's Kojak: "Who loves ya, baby?"

"WATCHA DOIN?"

NUTN IM @ CHURCH. U?

HOME. IM BORD.

ME 2

 

THIS HOMILY IS 2 LONG LOL!

GET 2 DA POINT, PRECHA!

LOL

OH SHIT ITS TYM 2 DO THE NICENE CREED

OK ITS COOL I KNOW THIS

 

WE BELV IN 1 GOD

D FATHR ALMYT

MKER OF ALL C-N AND UN C-N

WE BLV IN 1 LORD JS CST

D ONLY SON O GOD

ETERNLE BGOTN O FATHR

GD FROM GD, LT FROM LT

TRU GD FROM TRU GD

B-GOTN NOT MD

1 BN W D FATHR

THRU HIM ALL THNGS WR MD

4 US & 4 OR SLVATN

HE CAME DN FRM HVN

BY D PWR O HLY SPRT

HE BCM INCRN8 FROM VG MRY

& WAS MD MAN

4 OR SK HE WAS CRUCFD UDR POTS PIL8

HE SUFRD DYD & WAS BRD

ON DAY 3 HE ROSE AGN

IN ACCRDNCE W SCRPTRS
HE ASCND HVN
& IS C-TED @ RT HAND O FATHR

HE WILL CM AGN IN GLRY 2 JGE LVNG + DD

AND HIS KNGDM W HAVE NO END

WE BLV IN D HLY SPRT, THE LRD GVR O LF
WHO PRCDS FROM FATHR & SN

WITH FATHR & SN HES WORSHPD & GLR5

HE SPOKEN THRU PRPHTS

WE BLVE IN 1 HOLY CATH & APOST CHCH

WE ACKNOWLEDGE 1 BAP 4 4GVNS O SINS

WE LOOK 4 RESURR O DD

& LFE WRLD 2 CM. 

AMN

Deer Lord

Pictured below, the sweetest jacket I've ever spotted in church:



Only now do I realize how very Christian the Jagermeister logo really is.

Churchwear.

Recently the Metro New York reported that Lady GaGa attended her sister's graduation at the Convent of the Sacred Heart. She reportedly wore "a see-through white pantsuit and black hat and veil" to the ceremony.

With her being Italian and Catholic, it's likely she attends all Holy Days of Obligation. Here's a brief list of upcoming Holy Days on the Roman Catholic Liturgical calendar and the outfits she'll be wearing:


• Assumption of Mary (Sunday, August 15)
Gold lamé tube top, hula skirt made of turkey bacon strips, purple snow boots

• All Saints Day (Monday, November 1)
Pair of short shorts made from Kathleen Turner's cuticles, collander helmet, bra on fire, Sansabelt belt

• First Sunday of Advent (Sunday, November 28)
Athletic supporter head-dress, solid marble hoop skirt, roller blades that scream Spanish, full beard made from pencil sharpener shavings and moss, blouse made from angry stares of other churchgoers

• Immaculate Conception (Wednesday, December 8)
Assless polar bear chaps, sunglasses made from AOL 6.0 sample discs, live Jack Russell terrier bustier, scuba mask inside deep water diving mask filled with Eckerd's-brand hand sanitizer.

Christmas Is a Time For Asking For Favors

My church sent me some mail the other week, and in it were 5 raffle tickets and letter asking me to sell them for $20 a pop.



My first thought was, Will they charge me $100 if I just chuck this away? They just stuck me with these tickets, and I have to figure out a way to unload these unsold tickets back to them; I just want to slip them in their mail slot. Now, it's a very nice church and all, but to send this chore to me and passive aggressively suggest I play bookie for their gambling racket is a bit forward. It's like an aunt writing you a letter "reminding" you that you promised to make a backdrop for her nativity scene, even though you HAVE NO RECOLLECTION of promising that.


MAN, I am cranky.

Introducing: ClearPlay!

I found this flyer in a Methodist Church in North Carolina:


Wow, I can edit sex, violence, AND profanity on regular DVD's? Especially if I feel like the MPAA Ratings Board isn't doing a good enough job of warning me of objectionable content? You mean, I can protect my family's Christian values while still getting to enjoy "Happy Gilmore" without all the tits and swearing? Yes, worry no more with the Prudemaster9000™.

Possibly the best part of the flyer are the "customer comments:"

Click the photo to enlarge or click here.


Gayla (not a stripper name) from Summerfield said, "I requested a filter for "Get Shorty" a while ago and was excited to see it on a new filter list. Thank you so much!"

Hey, Gayla. Uh, I hate to break it to you, but "Get Shorty" isn't all that nasty a movie. And if your kids can't handle the word "shit" or "fuck" like three times in a movie, maybe you should have to wait FOURTEEN YEARS until you can watch it. And maybe in 2025 you can enjoy its sequel, "Be Cool."

So on the ClearPlay website, they show a list of the movies that have been successfully filtered for Jesus. Amazingly, the Kirk Cameron Christian blockbuster "Fireproof" is on that list! What could possibly be on there that ClearPlay found objectionable? I guess they edited out the big cunnilingus scene. Too bad.


It does make me wonder what would happen if you tried watching "The Sopranos" or "Caligula" on that player. Maybe it would implode or shoot the DVDs at your throat. I'm just glad that "No" from "No Location" was finally allowed to watch "Daddy Day Care" without that black man's dirty mouth!

Just A Closer Walk Whut? Thee

Spotted in a church program in a Methodist church:


Redman? I'm pretty sure it's not the same one as I'm thinking.


Who knows. Maybe. Rappers do shout out to God, too.

Happy Easter From EADJ!

The following is a Good Friday entry from my Mom. It has been published in its entirety and unedited:

On Good Friday , our local church offered a rare living performance of the stations of the Cross.Instead of praying in front of a picture ,one would follow the actors in the roles of the persons present at the time of the Crucifixion. The cast included Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene, John, Roman soldiers, mourners, etc who would follow Jesus as he walked with the cross to his final breath at 3 PM . The participants were the Bible students at Ascension Church.

In the beginning, I found the church dark except for the light at the altar where the students were assembled .All the statues were covered with purple shrouds. The daylight illuminated the stained glass window which had the portrait of the full length Jesus walking.

The students were dressed in character as Hebrews . Jesus wore a thorny crown and since it was cold in church, the actor wore a protective Tee shirt emblazoned with the word "Zippo" . I was disturbed by that and by the fact that I was the only person in the audience except for the priest and the director. I felt lucky to be in retirement while other people had to work and could not get away to watch this performance. The audience could either sit down or follow the procession as the players moved from the altar to the sides of the church as Jesus carried his cross on his way to his death.

I chose to follow the procession. For each station, the lector explained what was happening then concluded with a short prayer. Since I was the only audience, I responded each time with a loud "Amen". Even though I was not in Hebrew costume , I was solemnly dressed in black from my hat to my boots. During the flogging of the actor Jesus, he yelped twice in pain .The younger students snickered and thought his reaction was funny. Veronica held up a linen sheet with the drawing of Jesus' face . The man that was supposed to carry the Cross part of the way did not show up.

The actor Jesus stumbled on cue at the altar .His wooden lifesize cross was then placed upright behind a wooden bench on which he stood . He outstretched his arms for the Roman soldiers to bind his wrists to the cross.
The soldiers were dressed in togas which looked like graduation robes .The players moved in all seriousness. When the crucifixion ended with the final gasp , Jesus properly writhed in agony and hung his head in terminus still wearing his Zippo tee shirt. His body was removed from the cross and his mother Mary cradled his head on her lap in the manner of Pieta. Then the church lights sequentially turned on from front to the back illuminating the church .This must have been the depiction of the thunder and lighting that split the Hills of Golgotha when an earthquake marked the death of Jesus.

There was no applause . When the lights went on , there were people in the back of the church approaching the seats. That's when I realized I had been a witness to a dress rehearsal that was so authentic I thought it was the real show. The priest approached the altar and congratulated the players .Now it was time for their real performance but I left the church, content that I had a private and personal living stations of the Cross on this special Good Friday.

To everyone, Happy Easter.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with The Metro Smog Check

The area around downtown Memphis has an Air Quality Index (AQI) of 53 today, which is a "moderate" level for people who are unusually sensitive to pollutants. They should limit prolonged outdoor exertion, according to the EPA.

And speaking of air quality, I really hate it when someone lights up a cigarillo in my town car. Especially the cherry-flavored ones. By the end of the night, they make me smell like a hooker!

As Promised!

Here is the utterly unmatched (and unfortunately uncredited) performance of Exterminator 1 from "Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring," last week's entry in the EADJ Crappinema:



Exterminator 1: "I don't understand the world anymore. I mean, I used to understand the world, b...but I don't anymore. I can't understand a world where people just come up and they steal exterminator trucks. I...I don't understand it. I'm going home. I'm going home."

Exterminator 1 eventually went on to become a world famous DJ for rap group Public Enemy.

EDITOR'S NOTE: True MICHITS fans will be happy to know that the real location in this classic cinematic scene is still intact decades later.