Things You Can Expect A Guy With a Giraffe Guitar To Say To You

"I see you've noticed my giraffe guitar. Do you like music?"

"No, this wasn't made from a real giraffe. What am I, a monster?"

"When I play live, I'm on the elephant guitar, but I prefer to practice on this."

"Wanna go back to my place and share a grape juice box?"

"I wrote this song when I was really bored in line with my Mom at the bank."

"I'm headlining at Coachella next year."

"Please don't request 'Old McDonald Had A Farm.' I get that all the time."

"I really love the sharp, bright acoustic sound of the Fisher-Price, but when I want bassier, clean tones with more pickup configuration and a tremolo bridge with wild string-bending action, I can't go wrong with the VTech Zoo Jamz." 

"I wanted to finish playing this four-part arrangement for you, but I just went boom-boom in my pants."

Photos Of Children Playing Toy Instruments Paired With Quotes About The Blues

Some Words and Phrases That Have Yet To Find Their Way Into A Jason Mraz Song

• cunt
• botched surgery
• strangulation
• anabolic
• eye-popping flavor
• stirrups
• garrotting
• Obamacare
• seminal vesicles
• grassy knoll
• sideboob
• Søren Aabye Kierkegaard
• body doubles
• frottage
• the ability of the Afghans to self govern
• Mushmouth from Fat Albert
• grenadine
• "controlling one's woman"
• plugin folders
• Dustin Diamond doing the Dirty Sanchez
• eye boogers
• target demographics
• convenience store sushi
• Injuns
• getting paid and it's the weekend coming and it's time to forget about the bad times
• Dusty Baker
• queefs
• mustard gas
• losing one's boner
• "Two Broke Girls"
• pissing matches
• matching pisses
• bacterial infections
• the nonexistence of God in a technological society
• Wisk detergent
• booty claps
• Kim Jong Un's fascination with the NBA

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

How The Mighty Van Halen.

Spotted in CVS, one of the coolest guitar paint jobs in the history of rock 'n roll is relegated to a lousy paint chip for some broadway play Press On nails.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello. I'm here."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm here to play the main stage at 9pm."
"Good one. I think you've got the wrong place, buddy."
"No, seriously, I'm the main act."
"You."
"Yes, me. I'm on the bill right there."
"No, sir. On the bill we have Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, and George Jones playing a tribute to Waylon Jennings."
"Yes, and me."
"Sir, do you know where you are? You're at the Grand Ole Opry. Only country legends play here."
"Yes, I do play music from my country, too. But I'm mainly a classical guitarist. You can hear a lot of Spanish influence in my last CD, 'Romantico.'"
"Lissen, buddy. You're not playing shit anywhere here. Step aside. We're waiting for Willie Nelson to arrive."
"Like I said– I'm here!"

Three Questions For The Free Credit Report Dude

1) Please stop.

2) Why is your shit so poorly lip synched every time?

3) Why are you happily singing about your current hopeless financial situation? Why don't you and your little buddies just have a regular gig somewhere, and that can be the steady job you have to start saving money, get out of debt and slowly but surely repair your credit rating? God, I sound like my Dad.

*Bonus Question: Are you actually having a relationship with this woman?


It's okay if you are.

BONUS Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight:


From the YouTube page featuring the Free Credit Report commercial at the Renaissance Fair, a comment by renandstumpd:

"OMG I saw jesus."

An Imagined Conversation.

"Awright, we're in!"

"WOO-HOO!"

(high five)

"Look at this place. What a fucking dump!"

"Yeah, where the bitches at? I need a beer."

"Me too. This place is fucking DEAD!"

"Well, let's turn this shit out, then, bro."

(high five)

"..."

"Shit. Why is everyone so quiet?"

"They're all watching that black chick playing guitar on stage. She's kinda hot."

"SHOW YOUR TITS!"

"Don't you shush us, lady. Me and Mike paid to get in here!"

"That hot chick is playing like Mexican elevator music or whatever."

"I'd fuck her, though. Right?"

"Totally."

(high five)

"This ain't exactly a 'bad ass' show like the poster outside said. No Hoobastank or Trapt or nuthin'."

"Yeah, kind of lame. Stay here. I'll go grab some Natural Lights."

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From "Sinkers Hooks and Things," by Douglas Kelvin, where he sings a song about the passing of his father, a comment by 19 year old JatzaKid:

"thats really touching if you know what i mean"

A very special evening with Joel

A recent trip to L.A. afforded this EADJ reporter the chance to finally spend some Q-time with the eponymous Joel. It was a night of delights, fun, wings, and sexual tension.


We had dinner at Big Wangs, naturally. Joel's suggestion, honest. Joel even showed up in his very own EADJ shirt! How frickin self-reffin' is that?! Joel is either adjusting his nuts or giving a thumbs up here.


A pretty hot redhead waitress served us there. We loaded up on a spicy wings/dick combo. Despite his t-shirt and Joel's insistence that he was famous, Kassie was not having it. Thus, no tip.


After a satisfying repast of spicy, extra spicy, mega-hot and even nuclear dick, Joel offers the scraps to his chimp servant Chad Yarborough before telling it to fetch his car. All in all, a wonderful outing with the Kobayashi of dick, Joel Thomas. Plus, I got my dick eaten for the first time!