A DoorDash Notice

I did a quick Google Image search of "Stalin" and "McDonald's" and found these:

The Latest McDonald's Happy Meal Prize Toys

 Note: Although this is dated April 1, this is post featuring real McDonald's promotional toys.

The most recent wave of Happy Meal toys is very self referential and arguably UN-fun: Introducing Lil McDonald's, miniature versions of your favorite McDonald's things that you find sitting around McDonald's, but in playable MINIATURE form that you can take home! Great, right? Let's check out these amazing new toys:

Look, the legendary McDonald's broken ice cream machine! And the toy doesn't do anything, JUST LIKE THE REAL THING!

Not to be confused with the ice cream machine is the almost-identical McDonald's CONDIMENT DISPENSER. Who asked for this? Not your kids!

Okay, a Happy Meal on a tray. Fine. Maybe check inside that miniature Happy Meal box for a more fun prize.

Hey, check it out. A drive through order station. Now you can make your Hot Wheels cars pull around and order fast food because they don't have enough time to sit down for a healthier lunch. Fun!

The next few miniatures are possibly the most mystifying toys that no kid is asking for: METHODS OF PAYMENT!

First off, yaaaay, the kiosk in McDonald's that's taken the place of ordering at the counter! Scroll through the menu on a dirty screen to order what would take 5 seconds talking to a real person! Then take a number and sit your ass down!

For those lucky enough to order with a worker at a register, here's the McDonald's register / swipe station. Now Barbie can pay for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal with her credit card. Counter and apathetic Mickey D's employee not included.

Look, it's a miniature smart phone loaded with the McDonald's app that they're always asking you to use now when you order so they can track your McDonald's purchase history! This is a BRANDING HEAVEN / DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE!

Spotted on DoorDash

Ronald? YOU TRAITOR!

I Don't Get It.

 Spotted on the DoorDash page for McDonald's:

Question: What happens at midnight where employees CAN make a triple cheeseburger but CANNOT make a Deluxe McCrispy? I'm not privy to the ins and outs of burger building technology, but I can't imagine how making the two burgers can be very different or time-dependent.

If you feed a Gremlin a Deluxe McCrispy at midnight, what happens?

EADJ Etiquette Center Presents An Etiquette Pop Quiz

POP QUIZ: A person in front of you is finishing up at the soda fountain station and is getting a top and straw for their beverage. You need more ice and Coca Cola for your drink. Do you:

a) squeeze by her and get both

b) get the ice but not the Coke, because it's too close to her

c) WAIT YOU FUCKING TURN AND HOLD YOUR GODDAMNED HORSES FOR MAYBE 20 SECONDS. SHIT, ARE YOU DYING OF THIRST, YOU HORRIBLE, IMPATIENT ANIMAL? TAKE A FRIGGIN' CHILL PILL AND oh, she done now.

Answer: c

Spotted In A McDonald's Bathroom

Their Southwest Salad gets some free advertising.

An Imagined Conversation

McDonald's proofreader: "Wait, is this a Zoolander reference?!"

McDonald's copywriter: "Yeah, cool, huh?"

McDonald's proofreader:

Big Mac Snack Wrap

Oh, Big Mac Snack Wrap,

I'm tired of arguing with you. We've had this back and forth for a while now, and you insist I try you because you're a new take on an old favorite, but I'm pretty sure you're going to be nasty. Can we just agree to disagree?

Sure, Big Mac Snack Wrap, you are a hip update to the classic Big Mac, but is that a good thing? What I'm wondering is, why are you trying to be something you're not? It betrays a lack of self confidence, and I think that's very unbecoming of you.

What, do you think there are hordes of young people out there who turn down a sandwich because they'd rather have a wrap? That the concept of a sandwich is somehow outdated? Just be yourself, for crying out loud. You look like some forty year old guy wearing a hoodie and listening to LMFAO; it's embarrassing.

On top of that, you're totally screwing up your song.

♪ Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a flour tortilla wrap?! ♫

That sucks. And you probably suck. Which is why you gotta stop advertising.

And don't let the success of Taco Bell's Mexican Pizza encourage you, either.

Another Typical Morning

Spotted on the Times Square 7 platform on my way to work, a keyboardist plays a little Michael McDonald to get the morning started. Then he stops playing when he catches me filming him.



Now, I like as much morning Michael McDonald as the next guy, but breaking out a big gun like "What a Fool Believes" is a little intense for my tastes. Why not something more mellow, like "Yah Mo B There" or "I Keep Forgettin' (Every Time You're Near)?" I mean, you really gotta pace yourself for the long day. Leave the more cranking choons like "It Keeps You Runnin'" or "Takin' It To the Streets" for after lunch.

Forgettin'. Runnin'. Takin'. Mr. McDonald doesn't like ending his verbs with G's.

I'm hopin' he's there when I'm commutin' home, playin' "Sweet Freedom" from the Runnin' Scared soundtrack.

Old People Don't Give a Shit.

They just don't. What are you gonna do about it, whippersnapper? Were you in Korea? Have you ever sailed a skiff in the Pacific? Did you ever finger Debbie Reynolds? Cuz they have.

Goddam youth. PULL UP YER PANTS!

Bonus Points:

A Special Message From Pewter Bear

Wow, Pewter Bear. What you said there really makes us think.


No, we mean it really makes us think about how much we wish YOU were dead. You're such a pusillanimous, contemptible little shitsock that you still being alive is empirical proof that there is no justice in the universe.


Why don't you stick your head in a corn thresher, you miserable, strangle-able waste of pewter? Or dive into a cobra's nest. Whatever. We could give a shit. Feel our hate!

Let's Slap a Saddle on the EADJ Mail Sack and Ride It To Cactus Gulch!

Submitted by Beth Stone, a strangely sexually-charged McDonald's paper sack:


It's illegible, but the copy below the provocative headline reads: "At McD's, we serve you the kind of sausage we like to eat, with 0% filters and 0% extenders."


And if that weren't enough proof that Ronald is sporting a chub underneath his yellow pantsuit, here's a recent McDonald's print ad featuring the world's most famous porn star:

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From a YouTube page featuring Michael McDonald doing a live performance of "What a Fool Believes," a comment by wabashcharlie:


"This is a such a beautiful, poignant song, especially if you've ever been a hopelessly optimistic "fool" like the one described in the song. Truly brilliant."