This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Where we mock the latest mixtape album covers.

Never turn your back on a Jedi.

Never keep a potted cactus in your hallway at night.

WWBBD - What Would Bizzy Bone Do?

I'm so confused but I love it. Don't change a thing.

This well intentioned but confusing depiction shows Jesus rising, then falling, then passing through pornographic cloud formations?

The snow angel competition fell flat when they forgot the snow.

This is almost as embarrassing as Nelly in that Honey Nut Cheerios commercial.

Almost.

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"You seem to be lost, ladies. Here, you might need some sunscreen."

*swings axe*

"I love doing crowd work."

"Wait. Nothing happened? And you hit F5? How about F4, did you try that? Nothing? Try F3 or F2, and if it still doesn't do anything, I don't know what to tell you..."

"Oh no, a totally realistic alien over there is heading this way. I better run."

*runs in place in front of stock footage that's going a different speed*

"Shannon, we told you to meet us at brunch at TWELVE NOON at HONEYSUCKLE CAFE. So why are you expecting us at Jiffy Lube at 4pm?"

Remembering Sept 11

EADJ is seeing a lot less of twin towers in city clip art as years go by, but we remember.

UAG

Six Lies Told By The Alexandria Ghost & Graveyard Tour Brochure

1) It's not so much an 18th Century costumed guide by lantern light as it is a bored Alexandria high school student in a bonnet checking her texts.

2) "At the tour's end your guide will abandon you in a graveyard!" What fun is abandonment if you're going to announce it? Weak.

3) "This tour contains content that could be considered of a sensational nature and may not be suitable for all parties." Translation: HOT COLONIAL ORGIES

4) Friday's no good for me. How about the next Wednesday for a good fake haunting?

5) Colonial-costumed = foam tricorner hat and an untucked frilly shirt

6) Scanning this QR code actually transports you back to 2005 when that technology was considered cool.

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And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Stand Up Paddleboard

Stand up paddleboarding (SUP) offers a fun, relaxing way to play on the water. With a minimum of gear, you can paddle ocean surf, lakes and rivers—no waves required! Here's how to get started:

1) Carrying your paddleboard to the water

Most stand up paddleboards- or SUPs- have a built-in handle. Just lean the board on its rail (edge), reach for the handle (a grip in the middle of the board) and tuck the board under one arm. Carry the paddle with your other hand.

2) Mounting the paddleboard

When you're new to the sport, it's best to start out in flat, calm water that's free of obstacles like boats and buoys. At first, you may find it easier to kneel on the board rather than to stand upright. Here are the steps to get you started:

• Standing alongside the board in shallow water, place your paddle across the deck of the board and use it as an outrigger. The paddle grip is on the rail (edge) of the board; the blade rests on the water.

• Hold the board by the rails. One hand will also be holding the paddle grip.

• Pop yourself onto the board into a kneeling position, just behind the center point of the board.

• From that kneeling position, get a feel for the balance point of the board. The nose shouldn't pop up out of the water and the tail shouldn't dig in.

• Keep your hands on either side of the board to stabilize it.

Once you're ready, stand up on the board one foot at a time. Place your feet where your knees were. You might also bring a friend to help stabilize the board as you get the hang of standing on it.


3) Techniques on the water: your paddleboard stance

To maintain your balance as you stand upright on the board:

• Your feet should be parallel, about hip-width distance apart, centered between the board rails (edges). Don't stand on the rails.

• Keep toes pointed forward, knees bent and your back straight.Balance with your hips—not your upper body.

• Keep your head and shoulders steady and upright, and shift your weight by moving your hips.Your gaze should be level at the horizon. Avoid staring at your feet.

• Much like bicycling, when your forward momentum increases, your stability increases as well.

And speaking of balance, if you've been riding in my limo with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party, and it's time to pay the balance, please do me a favor and agree to put the balance on ONE CREDIT CARD rather than whipping out a bunch of different credit/debit cards and asking me to put 28% on the Discover card, 13% on the Diner's Club and the other 59% divided by seven Visas. Please. Be smart, kids.

UAG