It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Stuff That Bad Ad Copywriters Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Ta ta!

UAG

Some Grossly Uninformed Movie Plot Summaries

I really need to broaden my horizons and learn Turkish or Tamil or Hindi or Farsi or something in order to understand this set of foreign (mostly Iranian) DVD covers. Until then, here are my best uneducated guesses what these foreign (mostly Iranian) flicks are about:

"Mustache Prison Camp"

This hilarious romp follows Ig, Thwel and Dorba as they try to break out of an Old Delhi prison camp by having one of them impersonate 1999 Internet sensation Mahir Cagri. "I kiss you!"

"Sitar Hero"

Enrique Sweaterwearer tries to break out of the shadow of his pop star father Julio Sweaterwearer and find his own voice, even finding love along the way. Featuring a cameo by Haskjdkjfskj Gajdijaidjjaidjijad.

"About Last Night Shyamalan"

A popular Indian director leaves Hollywood, USA to find his roots and steal some story ideas from some children in a meadow. Twist ending: he's actually Bangladeshi!

"Mission Impepperoni"

Seven average shlubs and one crazy sick incredibly HOT chick with gorgeous eyes try to start their own pizza delivery service using piano wire and some dick balloons. Almost all of them end up vomiting grape alphabet soup onto their shirts.

"Nova Zembla"

Charles Zembla searches the three seas of Holland to find his lost wife and confidante Nova. Once he finds her, he shares with her all the nasty things that his immediate supervisor Cory keeps saying about how his hair needs some product. Now in 3D and smell-o-vision.

"Glasses, Glasses, What?"

This four second short film from Iran features "the Iranian Ray Liotta" Mohsen Hasan running through an Iranian Pearle Vision Center and trying on two pairs of glasses and accidentally one pair of sunglasses. This film is not yet color corrected.

"Sigi Jloiji"

This Iranian version of "What About Bob?" features the Iranian Bill Murray pestering the Iranian Richard Dreyfuss as he tries to relax at his lakeside cabin. This version, however, is not a comedy and features some very serious discussion about personal privacy and Iranian Asperger's.

"Stare Until The Audience Blinks"

The wax busts of the Iranian Charlie Sheen and the Iranian Piers Morgan dare the theatre audience to blink before they do. The audience member that lasts the longest gets to have their wax bust created for the sequel, "Stare Until The Audience Blinks Again."

"Requirement Of Marriage"

All's fair in love and courtship as Aref Farhat attempts to land the girl of his dreams while avoiding the gold digging Kahar-dash'ian sisters. Will he save up enough money to start his own frozen yogurt kiosk?



"Who Farted?"

This multiple-ending film tracks the (bowel) movements of five poker players and through clever editing, reveals who farted in the elevator to the parking lot. Was it Farnoud the IT expert? Harun the crooked businessman? Labina the nurse and clay sculptor? Iraj the other fat one? Or Flo Rida (no relation) the woman who loves to eat dried peaches and fermented dates?

"Third Floor"

Two childhood friends comfort each other for winning all of their country's movie festivals but not getting into Sundance.

"F-----------|--E"

This movie is like "Fast and Furious" with motorcycles. Low on gas- a rare thing in a country with a fossil fuel based economy- Tam and Jake make money joining illegal underground motorcycle drift race competitions. Tam is afraid that Jake is only one bad stoppie away from losing it all.

"Breakable"

The impressive Photoshopped face of Ali Zibaei is so intense, he can smash through plate glass without closing his eyes. Yeah, boy, he's earned his popped collar.

"Princples"

Two elmenry schol teachrs discovr that the printr of all their schol's materiels got almost evry word wrong in the new texbooks. Throuh the help of spelcheck and a dictonary, they manage to corect almost every word in order to win a white 1998 Honda Feista.

Old People Don't Give a Shit.

They just don't. What are you gonna do about it, whippersnapper? Were you in Korea? Have you ever sailed a skiff in the Pacific? Did you ever finger Debbie Reynolds? Cuz they have.

Goddam youth. PULL UP YER PANTS!

Bonus Points:

EADJ Song Hate, Third Edition

Today we hate "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.

See? Just a mention of that song and you already have the damn thing playing in your head. That beginning drum beat, then that whinnying guitar. It's a prime example of something that's been drilled by so much repetition into your brain that it's probably part of your DNA now.


And like our previous entry, "Margaritaville," the song "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)" is not by any means a BAD song. It's written and sung very well. Never mind that it's Rob Thomas– I recently saw him goofing on the excellent FX series "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and he seems like 97% less of a douche than I used to think him as. So it's a good song, performed amazingly by virtuoso Carlos Santana. Wikipedia says it won three Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. It spent a record-breaking ten consecutive weeks at the top of the VSpot Top 20 Countdown on VH1. A catchy, perfect piece of rock pop ushering in a beloved rock legend's stellar comeback.

But holy mother of shit. The radio took that 5 minute song and flooded the airwaves like an analogy that I'm too lazy to come up with. I mean, it's been relentless, nonstop playing in a neverending loop from 1999 to the PRESENT. Turn on any radio– that shit is playing RIGHT NOW.

Watch the video, which is probably playing on VH1 as we speak. All the way through. I dare you. I'll give you a dollar.



And not only is it still playing on the radio and on TV, for some godforsaken reason, people are DOWNLOADING that fucker on iTunes. WTF humanity?


So I'm not going to do the breakdown of the lyrics or any of that shit this time, because we have all heard it many times and we will for many times to come. None of us can ever avoid hearing "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)." We can only hope to endure it again and again and again. Put that bad boy up in the rafters, even though it will never be truly retired. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.