What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Thinking: Special Pandemic Edition

Grace at the GOT CANDY? kiosk at the Woodland Mall at Grand Rapids, Michigan.

"Jeez. 3 people today. Total. In the entire mall."

Hanna at the Massage Pod kiosk at the Merle Hay Mall in Des Moines, Iowa.

"Either that's a giant dust bunny or a legit tumbleweed over there."

Darcy at the Otto Cases kiosk at the Kentucky Oaks Mall in Paducah, Kentucky.

"I'm a solitary person. But this is some bullshit."

A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Christian at the Cell-Fun kiosk in Minot, North Dakota was thinking about:

• I can't believe I get paid to surf on Yahoo.

• I am so lonely, actually.

• That nerdy sister from "Modern Family" has a rack, hasn't she?

The following is what Trent at the Custom You Always kiosk in Provo, Utah was thinking about:

• I can't decide if I'm a tit man, an ass man, or a dick man

• I wish they'd make Nutty Buddies but without the nuts, cuz I'm allergic

• I just sharted, but I only have 3 more hours till I have to clock out.

The following is what Emilio at the Repair Screenz Explosion kiosk in Jonesboro, Arkansas was thinking about:

• FUCK, where is my wallet???!!!

• Did one of those kids who walked by pick my goddamned pocket???!!!! I'll KILL THEM!!!!

• Oh, there it is. Other pocket. :)

The following is what Saanvi at the Carved Edge kiosk in Auburn Hills, Michigan was thinking about:

• Am I going crazy, or are there swastikas in the carpet?

• I definitely need to keep an eye on the merchandise- otherwise someone might steal all of it, and that's gotta be worth about $23.

• I poisoned the box of Munchkins in the break room fridge to catch the lunch thief. NOW I WAIT.

The following is what Hilary at the Exotic Stones LLC kiosk in Delray Beach, Florida was thinking about:

• In front of a Kay Jewelers is a pretty dumb place to have an exotic stones kiosk, if you ask me.

• I'll always regret stabbing my junior prom date. Poor Thad... Chad?

• I bet there's enough storage room under here to take a long nap in.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 2pm):

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• Charlotte McKinney

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The following is what Evelyn at the PUSSY HO BITCHEZ kiosk in Milford, Delaware was thinking about:

• They should really consider changing the name of this kiosk.

• There really is no need for such a vulgar business name. It's hurting sales.

• I should tell Betty.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 4:30pm):

• Ah! I am so relaxed and well rested!

• I hope I didn't miss any potential clients during my little nap there, heh heh.

• Charlotte McKinney really does have an amazing rack.

 The following is what Bruce at the Lug Along Luggage kiosk in Danvers, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• This is nice. I get to own my own business and dictate my own hours here.

• The atmosphere is so relaxing, and I get to sit the entire time!

• Which one of these cases had the heroin in it, again? I should make a mental note.

 The following is what Gladys at the Royal Sheets kiosk in Elizabeth, New Jersey was thinking about:

• I can't stop watching "Big Bang Theory," and yet I hate everyone on that show.

• Chicken fried steak. Who the shit invented that? Morons.

• I bet if I bounced my leg enough, I could achieve orgasm right here.

More Goddamn Mall Kiosks And What Their Goddamn Attendants Are Probably Goddamned Thinking

The following is what Carrie at the Dipping Dots kiosk in Albemarle, Mass was thinking about:

• Are these two customers lovers or brother and sister?

• What kind of damaged adults order Dipping Dots or themselves?!

• Why, God, why aren't I famous yet?????

The following is what Dani at the Perfume YES! kiosk in Chilton, West Virginia was thinking about:

• My God, this cigarette tastes great

• Just puffing this in the parking lot relaxes me more than anything else. Ahhh.

• Wait. Who's minding the kiosk? Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...

The following is what Toni at the Shopping Inc. kiosk in Bethesda, Maryland was thinking about:

• Who buys all this useless crap?

• Is "True Detective" on tonight?

• Can anyone tell I sharted my pants? Hope not.

The following is what Brian at the Rosetta Stone Language Center kiosk in Los Palmas, California was thinking about:

• What should I get for lunch today- Sbarro or Panda Express?

• I wish people would stop avoiding giving me eye contact so I can sell some damned product.

• Is Iggy Azalea black or not?

The following is what Donna at the vacant kiosk in Portland, Oregon was thinking about:

• Are these split ends?

• Where the hell is Cathy and Angela? They're like 15 minutes late already.

• OMG IS SOMEONE UP THERE LOOKING DOWN MY BLOUSE

The following is what Rosa at the Balloon Fun kiosk in Cheyenne, Wyoming was thinking about:

• What was my life plan again?

• I wonder what I would say if I ever got the chance to meet Sir Ian McKellen.

• I can't tell if I've lost weight in my chest or if my bra has lost its elasticity.

The following is what Taylor at the Damn Right Sterling Silver kiosk in Ithaca, New York was thinking about:

• This idiot doesn't think this is all real silver, right?

• Has anyone noticed that my socks don't match?

• Why are Oreos great, but Double Stuf Oreos are nasty as shit?

The following is what Tobias at the Bauble Bobble kiosk in Canker, Florida was thinking about:

• How did I get this corn kernel in my nose?

• When will Republicans realize that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay?

• Does any other word rhyme with "kangaroo?"

A Message From Christina... Er, Christine Aguilera, President of SkyMall

Hi folks!

Sorry to bother you in the middle of your flight to Dallas or layover in JFK, but I just wanted to take a few seconds of your time to clarify something: I am not the Grammy winning recording artist who starred in the movie "Burlesque" with Cher and is currently a celebrity judge on NBC's popular show "The Voice." I am the President of SkyMall, and that's all!

I have often been approached on the street and asked for an autograph. Too often I've heard people excitedly say, "Sing a few bars of 'Moves Like Jagger!" or "I really loved your moving cover of Etta James' 'At Last' that you sang at her funeral!" But then I have to explain to them that I am actually the Christine Aguilera that sells The Home Electrolysis Roller (Item 79162A) or PupSTEP Stairs, the tiny plush stairs that help your pets climb onto your favorite chair or sofa (Item 321354A).



Sometimes people don't catch it the first time. They still think I'm the one who topped COVE's list of the 100 Best Pop Vocalists with a score of 50 out of 50 and came fifth in MTV's 22 Greatest Voices in Music. They're still convinced I've released six studio albums with the first one spawning three number one hits in the Billboard Top 100. I have to gently remind them that I'm Christine Aguilera, known for selling Mongolian Shearling Moccasins (Item 79458A for Men's and 79513A for Women's) or The iGrow laser scalp hair rejuvenation system, which promises "thicker, fuller looking hair in weeks- guaranteed (Item APR02A)!"

But that's okay. We're both beautiful, confident women who have succeeded in our respective field of expertise. She's got four Grammy (and one Latin Grammy) Awards, a Golden Globe nomination for Best Song and was named by Rolling Stone as one of the 100 Greatest Singers Of All Time. And I run a free airplane catalog of amazing items like the Nano-UV™ Wand, which safely kills 99.99% of bacteria and viruses in your home in 10 seconds (Item ZDH108A) or The Cast Iron Giraffe Toilet Paper Holder (Item HH8992A), only $29.95 plus shipping!




Sigh.

Use As Directed

An ad in SkyMall sells a new digital camera that you can hang or stand up to film you and your friends.


But this one use in particular piqued my interest:


Sweet! Sex tape! Looks like Jay Baruchel is getting lucky tonight!

So that photo has me wondering several things:

1) Does that (admittedly hot) girl know that her skeez boyfriend is filming them macking? Or will she find out later that footage of him tweaking her nips is now on YouPorn?

2) Is it actually her camera, and she's secretly filming them to prove that Chad Kregne is a date rapist just like the graffiti in the women's locker room says?

3) If that camera were self-aware and lonely, wouldn't this scenario be the cruelest of all fates?

An Answer

An Open Letter From A Cat To Its Owner Who Bought a CatNix® Workspace Partition, As Seen In The Latest Issue of SkyMall

Okay, I get it. You want to be left alone to work on your spreadsheets or expense reports or whatever. That's cool. I realize that whenever you're working on your laptop or computer, that I can't expect for you to drop everything just to pet my head or scratch the part on my back towards the tail that makes me arch my butt. But I as a cat have needs, too.

I just bother you once in a while when I feel like you haven't paid enough attention to me. That can't be more frequently than every hour or so– no big deal. Just my way of checking in with you and saying hello. And you have shooed me away or picked me up and set me on the floor enough times where I get the hint and leave you alone for a while. We're all adults here.

So when you went and bought the CatNix® Workspace Partition after seeing it in the SkyMall catalog, I knew something in our relationship was terribly wrong. This was essentially an act of war.


I mean, look at this thing. There's a solid piece of PLEXIGLASS between you and me now. I feel like I'm at a goddamned hockey game. Ridiculous.

And don't think I'm not agile enough to simply bound over these partitions onto your keyboard. You've seen me reach the top of the pantry door from the kitchen counter. I'll fucking do it if I have to. It's more the sheer gesture of literally setting up walls between you and me. That's the part that really hurts. It's just a big "fuck you" to yours truly.

Remember, you have responsibilities as my owner, too. Just because you open a can of food for me and change my litter box doesn't mean your job is done: I crave serious emotional support, too, dummy. Hell, I'm already there for you, always. Who was there for you when that Sicilian girl stood you up? Who listened to you bitch about your crappy mid-level executive job this last year? The same job you're devoting more time to than stroking me? You forgetful putz.

And did you have to shell out $37.99 (plus shipping) of your hard earned money just to shut me out like that? That's just downright wasteful. With that money you could score some serious high-end cat toys and a laser pointer. But I guess that didn't cross your mind, did it?

Also, who the fuck is this guy?

Learn to appreciate what's around you before what's around you scratches your fucking eyes out while you sleep.

Fuck you,
Wally the Cat

EADJ Wishes You a Happy Independence Day Weekend.

I never get sentimental at these things, but I think I'm going to cry. See you Monday.

Still Thinking About It

No, seriously. What does that shirt mean?

That Barack Obama wields a pair of nunchaku? That Michelle Obama used to be a TV reporter who wore yellow jumpsuits? That Obama will be later radically redesigned for a younger audience after an initial run of gritty and violent comic book appearances?

Maybe it means that a "President Barack Obama" is a fictional idea? That John McCain is a villainous ninjutsu master and leader of the Foot Clan?
And does that make Sarah Palin Bebop or Rocksteady?

It makes about as much sense as this:



MindFAIL.

Oh Jeez.

Why? Why is he so sexy? How can I have these feelings?

So sexy. Sexy. Very extremely sexy. Hard to grapple with these feelings of confusion and desire. Must not want him. So sexy.

Tough to deal with, these urges. But it's his sexy, rippling body that's sending these signals to me. So sexy. Extremely, very sexy. So tan!

Jeans. Tight jeans now. So sexy. Mind racing. Heart pounding. Sexy. That Doctor Dude is doing a real number on me. Can't feel my extremities. Getting dizzy.

Must look away. But burned in my retinas, his sexy physique. Taut, firm and bronzed. He's a doctor, too. Plus, apparently he owns a boat.

Damn you, in flight magazine advertising!

Can You Eat The Dick Tonight

On Joel's flight back to L.A. from the Florida Keys, he was lucky to find a special "Joel Only" copy of SkyMall in his seat pouch. And as fast as he could whip out his automatic pencil, he was filling out the order form. Here is just a sample of the many items that Joel has coming his way in 6-8 weeks: