Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 10, 2025

From: accounting@company.net

Sent: April 10, 2025

To: ALL_Company

Subject: Updated job numbers for timesheets

Hello team!

Since our billing system went tits up last week, we've had to rebuild the job folders and have applied new job numbers to both tasks you have going and new ones for this week. Regardless of status, please use these new job numbers moving forward:

_______________

29771: Bitching about hybrid working

92104: Finding all your meeting invites in the SPAM folder

01186: Checking your balls for lumps in a meeting

64662: Checking your co-worker's breasts for lumps in a meeting

44057: Collating your elaborate Bachelorette Party invites that you printed on the company printer

34031: Gagging after smelling your own feet

62376: Surrendering to the bacchanal that is the Zoom call Happy Hour

LinkedIn Update

A Message From a Potential Employer

A chat on my phone:

Sushi? SUSHI?

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of July 5-9

To: ALL

From: Garester@Hubleyofficesupply.co

Hello everyone. This is Gary Hubley of Hubley Office Supply. No, I'm not here to sell you on toner and cardstock LOL. Your CEO Jerry asked me to email you all on his behalf since he's playing golf in Augusta and wanted me to remind everyone that timesheets are due by the end of this week. So it would probably help if I gave you the actual job numbers LOL: 

33774: Defending "Steel Magnolias"

82112: Fan theorizing

45936: Drinking pickle juice

10118: Trying to remember the rules of backgammon

82381: Pulling a U-y on the freeway

58251: Crossing the I's and dotting the T's

13306: Doing the Stanky Leg

 

Here Are Your Job Numbers For December 2019

Hey guys. This is Mark from the parking deck- you know me from "No, I don't have change for a $50" and "Sorry. I have to charge you for a full 30 minutes. Rules is rules." But for now, I'm the guy that the CEO has inexplicably asked to provide the office with job numbers for your timesheets. And he slipped me an extra hundo for my trouble, so here goes:

26698: Twerking through your fart

42994: Farting through your twerk

02233: Protesting the female Dr. Who like an asshole

71989: Cheating at curling

95735: Peeing into an airplane liquor bottle

48288: Chatting it up with the Minister of Finance

66183: Holding the pickle

30042: Transcribing Don Henley lyrics

57710: Using Google maps to find the Gräfenberg spot

44736: Wearing gold lamé and pulling it off pretty well, I must say

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 18, 2019

Howdy office 2972 Corporate Drive! It's Wally, your humble beverage vendor here to refill the soda machine and water cooler in the break room AND to deliver this week's set of job numbers for your timesheets. Do remember to complete your hours by the end of the week, or else you don't get paid (but I will, because I have a contract with the building!). Anyways, here are the digits:

35595: Bait & switch

49141: Slap & tickle

03965: Rattle & hum

39002: Analyzing the Wonder Woman trailer more than you should

57657: Hiring the shitty backup babysitter

91001: Covering your nipples with Thin Mints

71321: Farting in your ceremonial robes

88421: Explaining to millennials who Kyle Minogue was

52121: Wearing the shit out of your mouse's scroll wheel

37823: Blaming your illegal behavior on the Mentos you just ate

60152: Defending "Suicide Squad" against your better judgment

83127: Claiming unreclaimed wood is reclaimed

Here Are Your Timesheets For the Week of November 4, 2019

Hello. This is Grant Holdens, Jr. from the HR department. I have been asked by senior management to supply the rest of you employees with job numbers for your respective assignments. Please bear in mind that any questions regarding these job numbers should be directed to accounting. But any questions about whether it's appropriate to touch a co-worker's knee during a work function should be sent my way.

Here are the job numbers:

49024: Sniffing the last donut and putting it back

31380: Teaching anyone how to floss

00001 (Unbillable): Saying "thank you" to the housekeeping staff as they empty your trash

04204: Drinking the bathroom's free mouthwash for the alcohol content

76477: Saying "Can you hear me?" in conference calls

94426: Burping gyros

53589: Spoiling "Rosemary's Baby"

49213: Arguing that Cookie Crisp is actually cookies, not cereal

33543: Shitting

72101: Filming stupid unboxing videos for your YouTube channel

85596: Shaking it but not breaking it

Here Are Your Timesheets For August 29, 2019

Howdy all! Shep the window washer here. Jus' wanted to let you all know that my crew and I will be servicing all windows on the east side today, so don't get upset if we block the sunrise! That's a joke!

Anyhoo,  your CEO had asked me to remind y'all to fill out your timesheets by end of day TODAY, otherwise your company won't be able to pay you or their bills and soon I'll be peering in on a whole different set of employees! That's also a joke!

Anyways, enough horsing around. Here are the job numbers for you good people:

---------------------

44928: Making lemonade back into lemons

02124: Snitching on Shanekwa

56640: Slipping that handsome TSA agent a love note

31318: FaceTiming with the Lord

93200: Explaining to someone that you can't type "Flavortown" into the GPS

33818: Finding tights to match your sexy Foghorn Legcorn costume

59153: Getting wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night

00382: Falling asleep in the Lincoln Memorial's lap

68385: Cursing loudly at the Hallmark Store

94661: Trying to pick out Peter Cetera in old Chicago footage

75774: Checkmating Chewbacca; getting arms torn off

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 7, 2019

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello all you people!  Your corporate suite neighbor Carol here from Hallard Communications! Some of you may know me already (especially you gals who see me in the bathroom from time to time– am I right girls? 😊)

Your boss Dan (or is it Don? Dean?) forgot to submit your latest client job numbers before leaving for his golf tourney, so he has asked me to step out of my corporate bounds and supply you fine folks with the latest so that you can do your TIMESHEETS!!!!! 😮 And yes, they're due EOD TODAY!!!!! 😲😲😲😲😲😲😲

Anyhoo, here are the numbers. Feel free to drop by Hallard's reception desk for some lovely blondies that Judy's mother-in-law baked. Mmmm hmmm! 😋🧁😋🧁😋🧁😋🧁😋🧁😋🧁😋🧁

82136- Dancing in the moonlight

58438- Walking after midnight

00678- Thinking out loud

99384- Running on empty

80647- Making my way back to you

72963- Doing it all for my baby

99667- Learning to fly

44421- Driving my life away

01211- Saving all my love

80203- Falling to pieces

56658- Puttin' on the ritz

99643- Building a mystery

Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 25, 2019

Hello

This is the temp Hal. I've been fuckin asked to fuckin remind the whole office that fuckin timesheets are due at the end of the day and shit. And you all need to use the latest fuckin job #s or else nobody gets fuckin paid. But I do because the temp agency pays me regardless LOL 🖕

Anyway, here are the job numbers to use. Hal out:

58576: Sybian training

21094: Proving you weren't fondling the Resusci-Annie

50034: Sharing your peach cobbler recipe

91990: Teaching the younger folk how to skank

68931: Revealing spoilers for "The Sixth Sense"

77515: Gaslighting the nation

37912: Searching "feet' on Pornhub

022175: Shitting you

19281: Badmouthing cabbage as a substitute for kale

00313: Doin' the Mess Around per Ray Charles's instructions

52219: Wingin' it at speed dating

39997: Interrupting your daughter's makeup tutorial

83136: Sucking it up

Here Are Your Job Numbers For March 27, 2019

____________________________________________________________________

From: mark.thadowik@outwardinc.net
Sent: March 27, 2019 8:40 AM
To: ALL_Company
Subject: Job Numbers For Time Sheets


Hey assholes,

Mark here. You know, the CEO of this place who employs you all. Finance tells me you fuckers aren't doing your timesheets on time, and it cocks up our billing, which prevents people from getting paid, mainly ME. So you cocksuckers better fucking get on the stick and start doing timesheets or I'm going to go down there and lay some fury on your plebeian asses, quick-like.

"But I don't have job numbers!" you whine. Well, motherfuckers, here are the job numbers now, so you have no excuse not to get cracking and do this shit.

What are you waiting for, bitches? Get your goddamned job numbers and submit that shit! FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,

Mark Thadowik
CEO, Outward Incorporated

____________________________________________________________________

022041: Defending Jack White

913106: Settling Pictionary Arguments

825915: Giving Pokey his cut

339531: Throwing something into the bad guy's helicopter so it crashes

696311: Trying to work the word "lit" into a sentence to sound cool

881480: Reading the Terms and Conditions

601664: Taking "skeez" as a compliment

523903: Conceding it's maybe not the country's best yogurt

100986: Doin' the do

737321: Squirreling away some ketchup packets for later snacks

914293: Finding your correct job number

414121: Covering "Shallow" in the bathroom stall

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of February 18

Hello hi this Carl from food truck CEO ask me to send email about you have to fill out time sheet for job to get money and need job number please do this today or no money for pay at end of day CEO say thank you I say thank you and no flat bread for gyros today sorry

Here job number

14004: Pretending to give a shit

95562: Explaining the difference between Charmander, Charmeleon and Charizard

36924: Putting that guy on Facebook IN HIS PLACE!

JB8723: Getting on up (get on up)

JB8724: Staying on the scene (like a sex machine)

JB8725: Taking 'em to the bridge

JB8726: Hitting me now

JB8727: Shaking your money maker

JB8728: Hitting it and quit

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Jan. 7-11, 2019

Hey guys. Samantha here. You know the deal. Don't make me get up and hunt you down. Don't get on my bad side. Don't make me put down my coffee. Don't cross me sideways unless you want a size 10 heel up your wazoo, mister. Job numbers. Do them. Submit them to Accounting by 3pm or none of us will get paid:

28488: Burning the microwave popcorn

28488b: Claiming to like burnt microwave popcorn

86936: Flossing while "flossing"

50138: Work stuff

78934: Googling "pipe bomb" in Private mode

38199: Spitting on your dick at the urinal

200723: Washing that man right out of your hair

933567: Finding a toe ring that matches

422420: Greenlighting another shitty DCEU movie

100731: Shouting sweet nothings across the street

283680: Bringing a "hunna stack" to the Dollar Store

55883: Headbutting Jeff Bridges

102144: Headbutting Steve Buscemi

838371: Headbutting John Goodman

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 13, 2018

Hello everybody! It's Sam from Sam's Sandwichery downstairs. I cater sandwiches for all your client meetings and whatnot. The CEO asked me to send out the job numbers for this week since she couldn't be in the office today. There will also be sandwiches in the Fish Bowl for you but ONLY AFTER you complete your timesheets for the week. That was the deal. Also, please take only the mayo packets you know you're going to use. Some of you are stealing a bunch of them downstairs, and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use:


360278: Pretending to give a shit how somebody's weekend was

042490: Gazpacho

662755: Reaching for a landline phone that isn't there anymore

821217: Giving it to her good

600003: Checking for testicular cancer in the elevator

474201: Wondering who stole your Han Solo figure

361755: Sneaking that 4K Smart TV past security

825556: Talking about your shitty musical taste with that other cocksucker your age

022192: Reminiscing over you, my god

925944: Stealing mayo packets at Sam's Sandwichery

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Week of July 20, 2018

From: Jesse Banfort
To: All
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2018
Subject: This week's job numbers

Hey there all. This is Jesse B (not Jessie D from shipping!) with this week's job numbers for your timesheet entry.

Please note that these numbers are different from last week's and that you cannot copy/paste your entries from then. Copy/paste on a work computer can compromise the security of your workstation. Please remember and thank you!


Search: LEZ PORN GIFS

Job numbers: 

474890: Wishin'

474891: Hopin'

474892: Thinkin'

474893: Prayin'

474894: Plannin'

4748905: Dreamin' his kisses to start

992368: Inviting Donna to the "gun show"

605511: Having awkward conversation with the IT guy while he de-frags your computer or whatever

023452: Trying to find a more original phrase than "poop chute"

592284: Correcting someone's "Pinky and the Brain" quote

299003: Being the badass to print out Internet recipes on COMPANY PAPER

028499: "Creating buzz" about your dick

868541: Leaving goddamned red ribbons everywhere

420499: Cutting a tight enough hole in some foam board to fuck

102271: Dividing your consolidated debt back into many small irritating debts

700989: Putting on your "good" Tevas for tonight's date

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of October 19

Jallo!

This is Kurtzmann at front desk! I say hello to all of you all every day! It become my turn to send out reminder that sheets of time be submit today before end of today. Please do so now so that I can let you out of building! I am kidding- I am not allowed to do that for real life. Happy face.

Here they are:

935888 - Status meeting re-rescheduling

525001 - Arguing that At The Drive In! is more influential than TV On The Radio

313208 - Demanding your donated plasma back

712204 - Convincing HR that whipping out your dick is a religious practice

533788 - Preparing your rhymes for tonight's battle cipher

891341 - Bonding with the mail room guys over hating geese

118270 - Making a stipple portrait of John Oliver by throwing pencils at the ceiling

424728 - Giving head to the Dominos guy because you forgot your wallet

661820 - Fishing your smartphone out of the toilet

484012 - Really turning this place around

920130 - Pleading with a bear

Here Are Your Monthly Job Numbers

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To: ALLCOMPANY

From: jkas@frumundaindustries.net

Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!

Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:

-----

574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election

234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun

959951 - Annoying Doris

382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference

101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)

997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police

248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching

777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat

423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling

825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex

535555 - Preferring the leading brand

661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The End of January

To: ALL

From: Trent Neuwerth

Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!

I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes: 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:

2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants

5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect

1184456: Lying to toddlers

9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff

4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs

555835: Blaming the media

011044: Masturbating under a chandelier

888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway

5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus

0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech

7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up

8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song

Here Are Your Job Numbers For This Week

Hi all-

Karlsen from IT here. Those of you who do not subscribe to my monthly Snorks fan fiction podcast may not be familiar with my sense of humor, so please bear with my wacky sensibilities as I make the following company-wide announcement:

ATTENTION ALL EARTHLINGS: YOUR TIMESHEETS ARE DUE BY END OF DAY TODAY. THAT'S RIGHT, TODAY. FAILURE TO DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER WILL RESULT IN DISINTEGRATION. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, HUMAN WEAKLINGS!!!!

j/k, guys. Here are the job numbers:

582597: Translating the lyrics for Starship's "Sara" into Spanish

732201: Hiding your ATM PIN number from the prostitute that's with you

124187: Hiding your raging hard-on during an audit

663215: Ordering from QVC just to talk to another human being

922593: Whipping out your Qdoba loyalty card at a Chipotle

222750: Hoping your friends don't notice you stole a bunch of Opie and Anthony jokes

524597: Spelling Matthew McConaughey's name without having to Google it

820005: Bullying Best Buy's Geek Squad

886363: Communicating with your better self in a parallel universe

392581: Successfully resuscitating Resusci-Anne doll

272203: Stopping your cable news interview to vomit into a bucket

634524: Using chip clips to clamp your belly fat for laffs

711129: Swatting at imaginary bees that are actually not imaginary at all