Spotted at Walgreens

Some mixed signals from the big W:

Top Things To Say While You're In One of Those Soundproof Office Privacy Pods

"You exploitive, capitalistic fuckers can eat my shit."

"I'm sending you via WeTransfer all of the confidential financial records of this company along with the bank account numbers of each of its employees and a copy of compromising videos of the CEO, CFO and board of trustees."

"You should see my office, Mom. It's a corner office with a great view."

"Fuck you, Kathy. You think you're better than me because you're tight with the office manager, Kathy? FUCK YOU."

"No, this is a great time to do the Zoom job interview. What's up?"

A Short History of Office Floor Plans

1) Everyone gets offices.

2) Some people get offices. Lesser workers get cubicles in the middle.

3. OPEN FLOOR PLAN. Everyone in cubicles. Only rooms are conference rooms.

4. Open floor plan with stupid pods for when people need to concentrate. Ping pong table to distract from the fact that it's all a waking hellscape now.

5. ALL REMOTE WORKING. Yaaaaay! 🖕

Here Are Your Timesheets For the Week of November 4, 2019

Hello. This is Grant Holdens, Jr. from the HR department. I have been asked by senior management to supply the rest of you employees with job numbers for your respective assignments. Please bear in mind that any questions regarding these job numbers should be directed to accounting. But any questions about whether it's appropriate to touch a co-worker's knee during a work function should be sent my way.

Here are the job numbers:

49024: Sniffing the last donut and putting it back

31380: Teaching anyone how to floss

00001 (Unbillable): Saying "thank you" to the housekeeping staff as they empty your trash

04204: Drinking the bathroom's free mouthwash for the alcohol content

76477: Saying "Can you hear me?" in conference calls

94426: Burping gyros

53589: Spoiling "Rosemary's Baby"

49213: Arguing that Cookie Crisp is actually cookies, not cereal

33543: Shitting

72101: Filming stupid unboxing videos for your YouTube channel

85596: Shaking it but not breaking it

We Take A Brief Break from 25 Days of Hallmark Movies For A Program Note From EADJ, Courtesy of Fiverr

That might be the first time the ProofrEADJer has ever been pronounced out loud. Thanks to Fiverr seller kishameraa!

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week Of Sept 8

HI this is Cassandra the daughter of DADDY

He left me in his office while he goes to a MEETING but he wanted me to send OUT the JOB NUMBERS for timesheets which Daddy says is DUE at the end of the day

After this SENTENCE are the job numbers everyone is SUPPOSED to use:

82455 -  Convincing the freelancer to quit

53252 - Wrestle with your conscience

53253 - Wrestle with your partner

20005 - Somehow finding fault in the OK Go music videos on YouTube

85258 - Spraying PAM between your tits

80030 - Staying up late at night, hating Hillary Clinton

75590 - Inspecting the working conditions at the Cheesecake Factory 

41123 - Gluing googly eyes to the back of a corpse's head

35875 - Making up job numbers

48814 - Pretending you didn't just sit hard on your balls

35801 - Kegel exercises

Here Are Your Time Sheets For This Week

Ahoy group!

Sorry for not speak english well. This speaking Chenguang Song from Taipei branch of conglomerate. Asked by United of States headquarters to fill in for Shirley in Billing, who out of office due to abortion appointment.

It is my sincere duty to remind the employees of you to turn in time+sheets by day's end. Failure to turn it in will result in one garnishing of wages two disciplinary measures and three come up with a third thing that will scare them.

Here now are the display of time codes for your entrances:


18584: Coming up with an excuse not to buy your friend's daughter's Girl Scout cookies

29559: Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

92945: Solving for x

55463: Weakly defending your opinion that Adele isn't all that great

92454: Dropping that zero

38211: Finding yourself a hero

30086: Wondering how Yoda would say the phrase "I shit you not."

88888: Singing to Verizon Wireless' hold music

25812: Masturbating in the employee restroom while looking at Instagram photos of your cubemate on your phone

77414: Repairing the timeline

02478: Trying to reach the Batarang embedded in the ceiling

Here Are Your Timesheets For The Week of July 3-8

Hi all. Gabe from accounting here.

I know this has been a short week due to the July 4th holiday, but let me entreat you all to fill out your timesheets before leaving today. Even though we had the day off, we still need to bill our clients for the week, and we need YOUR HELP to keep everything straight (unlike me LOL!).

But semi-seriously, please do your timesheets like good employees do. Here are this week's numbers for you:

74746: Waxing and relaxing

71209: Furiously debating Fresh Prince vs. LL Cool J

03994: Saying "dongle" in an English accent

24424: Explaining to others what you mean by "HuffPo"

83232: IM'ing dirty things to your wife

19928: Not choosing your words wisely

63938: Faking your way through an HTML5 conversation

82348: Quoting the Bible to impress chicks

18762: Cleaning your Neti Pot

94724: Burping your consent

55725: Colorcopying your pits

90098: Recalling the lyrics to "Rappin' Rodney"

Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.