The Latest New Documentaries To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

The Documentaries Channel streaming channel has announced a full roster of new releases. You can start watching any of these now if there's nothing else on:

• How Documentaries are Made

• TikTok Influencers, Sociopathy, and How To Smash Their Phones

• Let's Count the Dimples on a Golf Ball (spoiler: 336)

• The Splendor and Dignity of Carnival Geeks

• Pranking the H.O.A.

• Custer's Second to Last Stand: An Underrated Victory

• King's Hawaiian: A Dinner Roll Empire Forged in Ambition and Machiavellianism

• Dick Pics: The Unsolicited History

Spotted in Traffic

I liked the plumber better than the movie, to be honest.

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"WTF? Are you crazy or something?"

"No, actually, I'm..."

"Bless me, Father, for I have skinned."

"That new girl from Transylvania sucks."

"Blake! These aren't homeowners at all! They... they RENT!"

"Any questions before we continue?"

"Yeah. How come none of our hair is weightless?"

"Ghost ninjas?! Are they even quieter than regular ones?"

"It's over, Bargord. I'm holding the Cursed Gem of Rohm and now wield the power over all of Gatscedia and its undead armies. Now give me the amulet of Vurturr before Pakkaria's army breaks the east wall and conjures the Soul of Teretth'eh!"

"It's my ass. The ultimate weapon is my toned ass."

"Jesus. Are you sure you don't have any pen and paper lying around?"

"Agent Morgan, I'm going to be honest. You really suck at keeping a low profile while on missions."

"I knew I shouldn't have tried a homeopathic cure for my eczema."

"Jeet?"

"Wait. Did I leave my phone in that male stripper's gutted corpse? Shit. We gotta go back."

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of July 27

 

Hello remote workers! Hector the IT assistant here. So I know we're all a few months into the lockdown, and I can see that most of us have gotten used to the two-factor authentication method of logging onto email and servers, but I just wanted to remind everyone that doing timesheets promptly is still essential part of our process. So let me just reiterate that you have to click onto "employee services", then "timesheets", then "my timesheets", then "new timesheet". From there, a new window should open where you click your name, then click "create timesheet", then when it prompts you to create a new timesheet, you press "yes", then check the box at the bottom before typing your timesheet password (NOT your email password). Once you check the box, the open window will take you to a spreadsheet where you can select "week", and then "this week", then "timesheet for this week". Once you do that, here are the job numbers you can use:

94268: Wetting your bed head in time for a Zoom call

83313: Asking Alexa if it's a work day

07703: Accidentally deleting porn

60236: Patiently sitting through a :03 YouTube preroll ad

50378: Figuring out if someone is doing the rock 'devil's horns' or doing Spider-Man shooting webs

63152: Wrapping a taco with a burrito wrap to keep it all together

84627: Deciding that it was worth it for the nut

53842: Rage quitting Minecraft

77634: Showing off your spot-on Piers Morgan impression

03510: Looking for the tablet stylus in your afro

Fiverr Deliverrs Againn!

This time, I hired the skills of user genious_studio to create an LP cover mockup for $5. Here's what he came up with.

I like the twerking one a little better. Because the balls are implied by the shape of the sexy ass.

Now, If You Told Me You Were Pathmark, I Would Not Lend A Hand

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Week of July 20, 2018

From: Jesse Banfort
To: All
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2018
Subject: This week's job numbers

Hey there all. This is Jesse B (not Jessie D from shipping!) with this week's job numbers for your timesheet entry.

Please note that these numbers are different from last week's and that you cannot copy/paste your entries from then. Copy/paste on a work computer can compromise the security of your workstation. Please remember and thank you!


Search: LEZ PORN GIFS

Job numbers: 

474890: Wishin'

474891: Hopin'

474892: Thinkin'

474893: Prayin'

474894: Plannin'

4748905: Dreamin' his kisses to start

992368: Inviting Donna to the "gun show"

605511: Having awkward conversation with the IT guy while he de-frags your computer or whatever

023452: Trying to find a more original phrase than "poop chute"

592284: Correcting someone's "Pinky and the Brain" quote

299003: Being the badass to print out Internet recipes on COMPANY PAPER

028499: "Creating buzz" about your dick

868541: Leaving goddamned red ribbons everywhere

420499: Cutting a tight enough hole in some foam board to fuck

102271: Dividing your consolidated debt back into many small irritating debts

700989: Putting on your "good" Tevas for tonight's date

I'm a Pathmark / On a Steel Horse I Ride...

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-October Harvest Edition

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Incident On A Dark Street

Like many of the other DVDs by EastWestDVD, "Incident On a Dark Street" features a big star on its cover who is barely on screen for 15 minutes. But William Shatner takes that nugget of a role and soars with it, on wings of his magnificent 70's moustache.

"Incident On a Dark Street" was initially the dull story about the U.S. Department nailing the boss of a crime ring who's trying to silence all the squealers. But the director took that boring script and turned it into a full-blown boring TV movie. All in all, it's full of boring angles, pedantic dialogue, and Oh God, look at that moustache. That thing is exquisite.





























For more information on the "sturgeon face," click here.










Later, a couple cavorting under a dock(?) find a dead body. The performance by the woman was ALMOST "The Third Greatest Performance of All Time," but after careful review from the EADJ Board, it was only given an Honorary Mention.



Here is that performance:
















Overall Grade: F