What The Woman On the Insta-Screen Bug Screen Box Is Thinking

• One sip of this poisoned tea, motherfucker, and I will be free of you forever.

• Yeah, yeah. Juliette Binoche. I get that a lot.

• My mouth is smiling, but my eyes are shooting daggers through this cheap, Chinese-made bug screen.

• Scientology has made my life bearable, especially since achieving OT VII.

• Sure, drop your kid off for a playdate with my kids. It's not like I'm a babysitter or anything.

• SUN DRIED TOMATOES ON EVERYTHING

• There are not enough blogs out that that have lasted over 10 years.

Smecial Dreams Entry

There are only three entries here, but that's enough because there's plenty to unpack here.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

As a Mario fan, I find this offensive.

As a historian and fan of dolphin jewelry, I find this offensive.

No change. Perfect.

One of the first things kids like to build in Minecraft is a no-name rapper.

Somebody's still bitter about that hug-with-a-pat from Chelsea.

I knew rappers talked with their hands, but this is ridiculous!

This brand of bud is called "Google Street View." Not sure why.

If a spaceship crashes anywhere near L.A., everyone would assume it's a shoot and ignore it.

The best way to cover up a shitty Photoshop job is to TRACE IT IN ILLUSTRATOR.

"Are you sure UPS is going to deliver it to the right address this time?"

"Leave it to me."

Neat. But where are the paintbrushes? And who paints from a La-Z-Boy chair?

One terrific pun is pretty wonderful. But two is a blessing.

Giant Hooker found the least conspicuous place to fart: Manhattan.

Much to Lil Tracy's disappointment, there was little to no moshing at the zombie prison camp.

Stand in the wrong place, and you change the name of your mixtape to FARTS 2.

Here Are Your Monthly Job Numbers

-------------

To: ALLCOMPANY

From: jkas@frumundaindustries.net

Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!

Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:

-----

574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election

234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun

959951 - Annoying Doris

382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference

101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)

997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police

248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching

777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat

423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling

825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex

535555 - Preferring the leading brand

661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

More Terrible Porn Names

Not long ago, we made a list of available (but not very good) porn stage names for people interested in getting into "the biz." Here now are more names that weren't even good enough to be included in that previous list:


HER:

Barb Akoabeef
Felony Charges
Ana L. Bedes
Maby Anothertime
Bess Knot Gudunov
Jenny Tals
Isis Hamas Al Qaeda
Betty Wontstaythenight
Alma Sparadise
Chumba Wumba

HIM:

Twink Martindale
Thomas The Stank Engine
Flip Floponissues
Jerry Mander
Newt Erred
Cumcast
Cockulus Rift
John Boehner
Sal Debain

The ProofrEADJer, Culinary Gourmet Edition

How come no one in the food industry can spell "avocado?"

We're Not Done Yet: More Hallmark Christmas Droppings Offerings

I know we said earlier we wouldn't bother writing up all these Hallmark Christmas movies. But that was then, and this is now. Here are the latest Christmas TV movies you could watch while eating a pint.

*Editor's Note: TRUE STORY: I pulled all of these off of Hallmarkchannel.com, and before I was finished writing this entry, TWO MORE MOVIES were posted.

"Christmas at Cartwright's" starring Alicia Witt (again?!) Wallace Shawn & Gabriel Hogan

The unlikely story of a department store elf (Witt) who falls in love with the single father of a kid who's convinced she's really an elf. Plot twist: the father is actually a serial killer.

"One Christmas Eve" starring Anne Heche

A dog adopted by a loving family meticulously insinuates himself into every family discussion, lending his two cents even though nobody asked for it and going so far as telling outside family members they were talking about about what they were saying and why.

"Christmas Under Wraps" starring Candace Cameron-Bure, Brian Doyle-Murray, Robert Pine and David O’Donnell.

The employees of a failed photo studio strike financial gold when the perfect holiday backdrop is delivered mistakenly to their mailbox. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

"Debbie Macomber's Mr. Miracle" starring Rob Morrow

Spoiler: look at the guy's shadow to the right. BOOM!

"Best Christmas Party Ever" starring J. Crew female model and JC Penney male model.

Christ, does every fucking man have to wear a suit in these shitty movies?

"The Christmas Parade" starring AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown

A prostitute on the run from the mob encounters a drug dealer with a heart of gold who lets her snort crank for a handjob or two. (Rated ME for strong language)

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Duck Handled Umbrellas

You've seen 'em in stores. You've spotted them in terrible catalogs. You've even seen fat, un-marry-able women carrying them on overcast days. They're duck-handled umbrellas, and they're more annoying than they are charming.

No, let me change that. They're 80 times more annoying than they are charming. Meaning for whatever slight amusement they give one owner, they make 80 people want to kill them.

What's the attraction? "Hey, everybody, I've got a surprising, whimsical handle on my umbrella!" No, you're carrying around a perfectly functional umbrella that's been ruined by a lapse in good taste.

"Nice weather for ducks" is the expression I imagine duck-handled umbrellas are referencing. And what an archaic, unfunny "Family Circus" expression it is. Why not make an "I Dunno" or a "Not Me" umbrella instead? Do you understand that reference? You suck.

"Well, maybe they're for children," you might propose. No, if those umbrellas were really for children, they'd have Spider-Man handles and My Pretty Ponies printed all over the umbrella itself with an embedded playable Nintendo in the shaft. No, a real umbrella for kids would actually be fun, not a half-assed, hastily-painted carving of a duck's head. The people who own these types of umbrellas aren't allowed anywhere near children.

Even more detailed, more expensive versions of the duck-handled umbrella are tacky and unnecessary. All they do is make people question your judgement even more. Fuck duck-handled umbrellas with an angry, rain-soaked mallard penis.

The Confusing, Terrifying and Tragic World of Ghetto Cereal

All kids love cereal, but because of the bad economy due to a Socialist Muslim President and not because thousands of corporations are outsourcing jobs to cheaper labor overseas, their parents cannot always afford to grab the name brand stuff. Here now is a quick rundown of the versions of your favorites that supermarkets have served up for cheap:

Crisp Crunch

Food Lion decided to demote the Cap'n and turn him into a dinosaur/lizard thing with striped arms, a Harry Potter scar on his nose, a wifebeater and a trendy trucker hat with the supermarket's initials on it. "Crisp" certainly looks less crazy than the Cap'n but looks like he's more comfortable washing dishes or snaking your toilet. Plus he votes Republican.

Alt: "Crisp" is also a hairy turtle who sits in a disco hot tub full of cereal and eats it.

Alt 2: Krunch Heads kept the nautical theme, but their mascot is a seal/hippo thing that never got promoted. Probably because he's too dumb to realize that he's trying to ladle cereal with a tiny spoon.

Fruit Rings

A fruity multicolored toucan has been morphed into a multicolored dragon. "Follow your fire-breathing snout!" doesn't have the same ring to it. Fruit Rings is a pretty lame name, wouldn't you say, Food Lion?

Alt: Toons Fruit Rings uses a hobo clown juggling cereal. Yeah, I want a vagabond train rider touching my breakfast with their bare hands. Thanks.

Alt. 2: Fruity Hoops. Temmy (Temmy?!) opts for another reptilian alternate, an alligator who simply can't wait for the milk to finish pouring before diving in. Fucking chill, man!

Berrry Treets

The Cap'n gets another shore leave as he's replaced by a red bear/dinosaur creature who can't spell for shit.

Frosted Flakes

It's a good thing that "Frosted Flakes" isn't copyrighted, because that allows supermarkets to simply swap the tiger out for a lion and confuse customers into buying their version.

Magic Stars

Lucky the Leprechaun is swapped out for a fat genie in a bathrobe, who also has magical powers and has a piercing he'd like to show you when you have the time. No thanks, Star Man.

Apple Dapples

Once again, Food Lion throws a dragon in there from a lack of imagination. No, wait. Is that a green rhino? Putting the cereal on his valuable, much-poached front horn? Okay, that is adorable.

KOO-KIES!

Everybody knows that raccoons like sorting through garbage cans, looking for half eaten chicken bones or cantaloup rinds and not minding touching used maxi pads. This raccoon (who apparently really liked the Charlotte Hornets) gets his filthy, disgusting claws all over cereal in the shape of cookies. 

Cocoa Crunchies

Trading in Sonny, an apoplectic bird for a friendlier, huggable gorilla seems to have paid off, almost every box of Coca Crunchies has been lapped up. Good on ya, Food Lion!

Confruity Crisp

Jesus Lord. I know Food Lion wanted to stay prehistoric with a Fruity Pebbles knock-off, but this mutant velociraptor stirring the bowl makes me want to scream and stomp on it. And "Confruity?!" I'm really confruited by that name.

Honorable Mentions

"Am I Buzz Bee from Honey Nut Cheerios? No, but I get that a lot. Instead, I'm Brazzers Bee, and I like unloading white milk all over your honey balls. Hey, where are you going?"

Look. Somebody ran the comp.

Cow turds. That was a poor choice. Or are those giraffes? Giraffe turds.

Monkey turds. (Temmy?!)

Sweet Flakes confuses both Frosted Flakes customers and fans of Froot Loops. (Temmy?!)

A drunk frog dips his dick into your rice crisps, baby.

(Temmy?!)