Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 10, 2025

From: accounting@company.net

Sent: April 10, 2025

To: ALL_Company

Subject: Updated job numbers for timesheets

Hello team!

Since our billing system went tits up last week, we've had to rebuild the job folders and have applied new job numbers to both tasks you have going and new ones for this week. Regardless of status, please use these new job numbers moving forward:

_______________

29771: Bitching about hybrid working

92104: Finding all your meeting invites in the SPAM folder

01186: Checking your balls for lumps in a meeting

64662: Checking your co-worker's breasts for lumps in a meeting

44057: Collating your elaborate Bachelorette Party invites that you printed on the company printer

34031: Gagging after smelling your own feet

62376: Surrendering to the bacchanal that is the Zoom call Happy Hour

Unexpected King of Queens

Spotted at a toy store:

Happy New Year From Eat A Dick Joel!

2018 has been a long, miserable slog of a year. Here's to 2019 being less long!

Love, EADJ

6 Lies Told By The Subway Nutrition Pamphlet

 

1) Subway doesn't usually serve philodendron leaves in their sandwiches. Well, maybe if they're out of lettuce.

2) Onions aren't in every single salad and sandwich. Unless that's what you want. Why do you like onions so much, by the way? Get away from me, Onion Lover.

 

3) Subway failed to mention the best "right choice," which is to not eat at Subway.

4) Middle column. They ran out of things to limit after oil because they just gotta have that double meat. Wink wink.

5) The 6" Turkey Breast is mistakenly under the heading "sandwich."

6) It turns out that Jared had never eaten the Italian B.M.T.® to lose the weight he lost back when he had lost some weight. He did, however, use it to prop open the door when the Dominos delivery guy would stop by to rub his shoulders. Nothing sexual or anything.


EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies" series has been picked up by the Starz network for an original 14-episode season. Jay Baruchel, Blair Underwood, and Gemma Arterton have been in talks to star as the numbers "3," "4," and "6," respectively. Keep watching this space for the latest casting news! Starz. Taking You Places™.

A Nightmare Scenario

Imagine this: a terrorist chemical attack has just struck a major U.S. city. There are hundreds, possibly thousands of casualties, and the news station you intern for is about the break the story. But the problem is, the station's entire music library was deleted, and the ONLY music you can use for the intro to this breaking story comes from the play telephone on the Fisher Price Laugh & Learn® Fun With Friends Musical Table.

You cannot quit, and you will get FULL CREDIT for whatever airs. The cameras roll in six minutes. You must choose one of the nine music tracks to use. Not using music is not an option. Which do you pick?

Remember, this is for a major terrorist attack of a U.S. city.











Remember, this is for a major terrorist attack of a U.S. city.

Post your vote in the comments, and we'll see which track the news station would use!

EADJ Crappinema In The Wild

Pictured below: Hulu Plus features the previously-reviewed "Happy The Littlest Bunny" alongside "Reservoir Dogs."

There something perfectly normal about this association.

Reaction-O-Rama, The Next Generation

Having corrupted both our parents with 2 Girls 1 Cup, Jay decides that our cousin Melissa needs to see it, too.