UAG

Upcoming Exhibits at Next Month's CES

The Consumer Electronics Show opens next month in Amarillo, TX. Here are the newest exhibitors and exciting products scheduled to appear:

• a poker card shuffler powered by hope

• an easy to operate remote control for older people who think the fireplace is the TV

• DIGITAL SPANX

• Actor David Boreanaz announces the BOREANAZ-TV, a 4K OLED television designed to stream exclusive David Boreanaz-related content and news 24 hours a day

• an electronic window washer that will electronically watch you bathe

• a new Ring doorbell that will shoot tranquilizer darts at porch pirates

The ProofrEADJer: Total Beginning of August Edition

Upcoming Episode Summaries From the Netflix Show "Charlie's Colorforms City"

Episode 1: Gabe and Hank meet the new next door Charlie, a being made of Colorforms who's on probation for an undisclosed crime.

Episode 2: Charlie teaches Gabe and Hank how to huff paint when there's no meth handy. Hank's mother is suddenly pregnant.

Episode 3: Every dog in the neighborhood goes missing. Charlie frequents a new nearby brothel.

Episode 4: Charlie's drug empire expands as he recruits Gabe and Hank as low-level lieutenants. Hank murders who he thinks is a competitor's drug mule.

Episode 5: Charlie tries to find a way to make pancakes for all his hungry friends. Star comes down from the sky to play but needs help when she gets stuck.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract updates, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Gusta Wind

• MMA News delivered by an old lady reading a copy of PARADE magazine

• The Deadliest Crotch

• Heroic DMV Bloopers

• Live Webcam of Gerbils Fucking

Thanks to new contracts, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Dust That Ass (home renovation show with a feral donkey)

• Suge Knight's Craft Corner

• Now That's What I Call A Cry For Attention

• America's Got Coronavirus

• Star Trek: Writer's Room

• Impractical Chokers

• Pharmaceutical Commercials' Best Farmers Markets

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 13, 2018

Hello everybody! It's Sam from Sam's Sandwichery downstairs. I cater sandwiches for all your client meetings and whatnot. The CEO asked me to send out the job numbers for this week since she couldn't be in the office today. There will also be sandwiches in the Fish Bowl for you but ONLY AFTER you complete your timesheets for the week. That was the deal. Also, please take only the mayo packets you know you're going to use. Some of you are stealing a bunch of them downstairs, and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use:


360278: Pretending to give a shit how somebody's weekend was

042490: Gazpacho

662755: Reaching for a landline phone that isn't there anymore

821217: Giving it to her good

600003: Checking for testicular cancer in the elevator

474201: Wondering who stole your Han Solo figure

361755: Sneaking that 4K Smart TV past security

825556: Talking about your shitty musical taste with that other cocksucker your age

022192: Reminiscing over you, my god

925944: Stealing mayo packets at Sam's Sandwichery

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Breed Horses In Minecraft

When you finally get a horse in Minecraft and bring it back to your base, you might be content for a while. However, what if your friend needs one or if yours is hurt? Or maybe you want a horse with better stats. You need to start a horse ranch and breed some more horses. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to do it:

1) Get 2 adult horses or donkeys that have not bred in the last 5 minutes. Pick them based on traits you want the offspring to have. The stats of the two parents will be averaged along with random stats of one imaginary horse. A horse and donkey can breed, resulting in a mule. However the mule will be sterile and unable to breed itself.

2) Get 2 of either: golden apple or golden carrot. Golden apples cost about 900% more gold (72 nuggets compared to 8 nuggets) than golden carrots, so golden carrots are recommended. Which one you use will not affect the offspring. Golden apples or carrots can be crafted by surrounding a carrot with gold nuggets, or an apple with gold ingots, in a workbench.

3) Feed a golden apple or carrot to both horses.

4) Wait for about a minute. Leave them alone.

5) Enjoy your new foal. It will take approximately twenty minutes for the foal to reach adulthood (if the chunk is loaded), but this can be sped up. To make the foal grow faster, feed it hay bales, wheat, sugar, apples, golden apples, and golden carrots. To make the foal instantly grow up, feed it five golden apples (20 golden ingots), or seven hay bales (63 wheat), or 60 wheat, or 64 sugar, or 24 golden carrots (21 and 1/3 golden ingots), or 20 apples. There is an intermediate stage between the foal and the adult, which looks like an adult, but you can't ride the horse yet.

And speaking of bales, I once drove the actor Christian Bale to a charity event in Jersey City. Nice guy, but he hates questions about Batman. Good tipper, though.

Stay safe, kids!