The Off-Brand TP Round-Up Returns

Brand: Platinum Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A piss yellow wrapper with a background of either clouds or fried chicken

Feels Like: 2-ply fried chicken

Brand: Monogram Toilet Tissue Rolls

Brand Features: Features CLEANING and DISPOSABLES(?) with little blue leaves

Feels Like: Getting a wedgy in burlap bike shorts

Brand: Crystal 525

Brand Features: A white dove and white flowers

Feels Like: Wiping with parchment on fire

Brand: Softouch Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A nondescript blue oval. Some friendly rounded letters.

Feels Like: Getting slapped on the anus with streamers

Brand: Elegant Essentials

Brand Features: "Made With 100% Recycled Fibers"

Feels Like: Some of those fibers were steel wool from the apocalypse

Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 25, 2019

Hello

This is the temp Hal. I've been fuckin asked to fuckin remind the whole office that fuckin timesheets are due at the end of the day and shit. And you all need to use the latest fuckin job #s or else nobody gets fuckin paid. But I do because the temp agency pays me regardless LOL 🖕

Anyway, here are the job numbers to use. Hal out:

58576: Sybian training

21094: Proving you weren't fondling the Resusci-Annie

50034: Sharing your peach cobbler recipe

91990: Teaching the younger folk how to skank

68931: Revealing spoilers for "The Sixth Sense"

77515: Gaslighting the nation

37912: Searching "feet' on Pornhub

022175: Shitting you

19281: Badmouthing cabbage as a substitute for kale

00313: Doin' the Mess Around per Ray Charles's instructions

52219: Wingin' it at speed dating

39997: Interrupting your daughter's makeup tutorial

83136: Sucking it up

Some Unfortunate Things You Could Be Wearing While Having Road Rage

If you're going to be behind the wheel and suddenly flip the fuck out over something that happened on the road, here are some items of clothing we hope you don't happen to be wearing at the time:

• "Jesus Loves You" t-shirt
• ball gag
• screen-accurate Scarlett O'Hara cosplay
• your Taco Bell uniform
• "Ask me about refinancing your home today!" button
• a condom (while you're inside your wife)
• diabetes socks and Crocs
• papal vestments
• Paypal vestments
• "Miss Peru" pageant sash
• your Kennedy Honors Award Ribbons
• the macaw on your shoulder who repeats everything you say
• tar and feathers
• the look of love
• your dashing Mariachi band outfit, complete with rhinestoned sombrero, rhinestoned guitar and rhinestoned saddle for your burro (who is being towed in the trailer behind you)
• a name tag that says "Stan Lee," because you're Stan Lee

Rockville Festival in Jacksonville Florida: Lineup 2016

Personally, I'd skip Sunday. 

(Click to enlarge)