Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of July 5-9

To: ALL

From: Garester@Hubleyofficesupply.co

Hello everyone. This is Gary Hubley of Hubley Office Supply. No, I'm not here to sell you on toner and cardstock LOL. Your CEO Jerry asked me to email you all on his behalf since he's playing golf in Augusta and wanted me to remind everyone that timesheets are due by the end of this week. So it would probably help if I gave you the actual job numbers LOL: 

33774: Defending "Steel Magnolias"

82112: Fan theorizing

45936: Drinking pickle juice

10118: Trying to remember the rules of backgammon

82381: Pulling a U-y on the freeway

58251: Crossing the I's and dotting the T's

13306: Doing the Stanky Leg

 

Here Are Your Timesheets For August 29, 2019

Howdy all! Shep the window washer here. Jus' wanted to let you all know that my crew and I will be servicing all windows on the east side today, so don't get upset if we block the sunrise! That's a joke!

Anyhoo,  your CEO had asked me to remind y'all to fill out your timesheets by end of day TODAY, otherwise your company won't be able to pay you or their bills and soon I'll be peering in on a whole different set of employees! That's also a joke!

Anyways, enough horsing around. Here are the job numbers for you good people:

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44928: Making lemonade back into lemons

02124: Snitching on Shanekwa

56640: Slipping that handsome TSA agent a love note

31318: FaceTiming with the Lord

93200: Explaining to someone that you can't type "Flavortown" into the GPS

33818: Finding tights to match your sexy Foghorn Legcorn costume

59153: Getting wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night

00382: Falling asleep in the Lincoln Memorial's lap

68385: Cursing loudly at the Hallmark Store

94661: Trying to pick out Peter Cetera in old Chicago footage

75774: Checkmating Chewbacca; getting arms torn off

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Jan. 7-11, 2019

Hey guys. Samantha here. You know the deal. Don't make me get up and hunt you down. Don't get on my bad side. Don't make me put down my coffee. Don't cross me sideways unless you want a size 10 heel up your wazoo, mister. Job numbers. Do them. Submit them to Accounting by 3pm or none of us will get paid:

28488: Burning the microwave popcorn

28488b: Claiming to like burnt microwave popcorn

86936: Flossing while "flossing"

50138: Work stuff

78934: Googling "pipe bomb" in Private mode

38199: Spitting on your dick at the urinal

200723: Washing that man right out of your hair

933567: Finding a toe ring that matches

422420: Greenlighting another shitty DCEU movie

100731: Shouting sweet nothings across the street

283680: Bringing a "hunna stack" to the Dollar Store

55883: Headbutting Jeff Bridges

102144: Headbutting Steve Buscemi

838371: Headbutting John Goodman

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of October 19

Jallo!

This is Kurtzmann at front desk! I say hello to all of you all every day! It become my turn to send out reminder that sheets of time be submit today before end of today. Please do so now so that I can let you out of building! I am kidding- I am not allowed to do that for real life. Happy face.

Here they are:

935888 - Status meeting re-rescheduling

525001 - Arguing that At The Drive In! is more influential than TV On The Radio

313208 - Demanding your donated plasma back

712204 - Convincing HR that whipping out your dick is a religious practice

533788 - Preparing your rhymes for tonight's battle cipher

891341 - Bonding with the mail room guys over hating geese

118270 - Making a stipple portrait of John Oliver by throwing pencils at the ceiling

424728 - Giving head to the Dominos guy because you forgot your wallet

661820 - Fishing your smartphone out of the toilet

484012 - Really turning this place around

920130 - Pleading with a bear

EADJ Entertainment News Exclusive: Robin Thicke

It's probably no secret now that R&B singer Robin Thicke has parted ways with his wife Paula Patton and has VERY PUBLICLY apologized to her in the form of a concept album entitled "Paula."

With his head bowed in penance on the album cover, and with song titles like "Get Her Back," "Still Madly Crazy," "Love Can Grow Back," and "Jesus Christ, Woman, How Many Times (Do I Have To Apologize)?" Robin Thicke bares his soul and actually gets some pretty good material out of his situation.

One can only wonder what kind of material Thicke would have worked with if they hadn't split…

Here's the latest song off the album, "Get Her Back:"