Huh?

Thanks, Reese's. I was getting sick of those meat-based peanut butter cups.

Hollywood Gives Up and Just Makes Movies Out of Products That Celebrities Are Currently Endorsing

The major studios have been out of original movie ideas for years. But only now have they figured, Why not just make a movie out of the movie stars' product endorsements that you can find at your local Walgreens? Here now are all the synergistic releases movie audiences can look forward to:

"Cozy Days To Glamorous Nights" starring Tamera Mowry

An identical twin estranged from her sister travels to the Italian island of Scünci to get away from her troubles. She hangs out in sweatshirts and yoga pants (cozy days) in her isolated villa but eventually finds love when she meets a mysterious dark winemaker (glamorous nights). Rated R for nudity and coarse language.

"Nobody Glows Like You" starring Taraji P. Henson

An inspirational semi-fictional-biopic of Taraji's rise to fame. Taraji stars as a young daughter of a royal space archaeologist who unites his moon colony to dethrone the tyrannical Mars invaders. Music by Taraji P. Henson and The Killers.

"Hyaluron + Plump" starring Eva Longoria and Ellie Fanning

A female buddy cop movie– Longoria plays the strait-laced Captain Valerie Plump who's very sensitive about her surname, and Fanning plays the flighty Gen Z rookie Moonbeam Hyaluron. Together they uncover a corruption scandal that reaches all the way to CITY HALL!!!!! Rated PG-13 with an upbeat soundtrack by Fall Out Boy, Lizzo, and Maggie Rogers.

And More Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number

Previous installments of this stupid segment are here.

Program note: Although Pantone is still commonly used throughout the publishing and marketing industry, we have added HEX numbers for digital applications and for millennials who have never heard of Pantone fans.

Update: We just realized that using the symbol "#" doesn't translate as "number" to millennials, so now they're all going to be confused, checking Instagram for trending hashtags, #Jeez

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 25: "Christmas Around The Corner"

Some Hallmark movies are less movies than they are fantasy checklists. This one fulfilled the fantasies of:

☑ spending Christmas in a small town

☑ dating a rugged, emotionally distant man

☑ running a small business without the financial pressure of failing

☑ getting to decorate shit without having to take it down later

☑ being associated with books without having to read

☑ bossing people around

☑ being hailed as some goddamn hero for saving Christmas

And there are two country/city stereotypes at play here: the snobby, rude urbanite who's out of touch with people's feelings and likes to boss them around; and the pleasant but slow-witted small town bumpkins who need a savior to whip their shit into shape. And somehow they all magically become friends and toast egg nog to each other's health.

The last two movies we reviewed were pretty darn enjoyable, and I was starting to get worried that I'd end on a high note. But "Christmas Around The Corner" brought the overall average back down to reindeer turd-level. Whew!

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 8 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:26

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The End of January

To: ALL

From: Trent Neuwerth

Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!

I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes: 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:

2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants

5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect

1184456: Lying to toddlers

9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff

4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs

555835: Blaming the media

011044: Masturbating under a chandelier

888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway

5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus

0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech

7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up

8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song

Well, Lookee Here- Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup!

Well, apparently the EADJ filing system needs improvement, because we just happened upon a folder of enough off brand T.P. photos to rustle together an actual entry. Go figure.


Off Brand Name: Renew
Graphic/Design on Label: Leaves (very telling of the texture)
Type of Sears Tool It Feels Like When Wiping With: Craftsman belt sander


Off Brand Name: Renature Bathroom Tissue (get it?)
Graphic/Design on Label: Maple leaf border surrounding a sketch of a pine tree that looks like it was drawn by someone sticking a Sharpie up their ass.
Which of the Seven Dwarves This T.P. Would Be: Grumpy


Off Brand Name: Genuine Joe Bath Absorbent Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Abstract janitor-looking guy with a red spray bottle(?!?!??!)
Breed of Cat That Would Appreciate This Paper: Cornish Rex


Off Brand Name: 'S' Quality Bathroom Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Big Blue 'S'
Physical Characteristics of Someone After Using This Paper Big Blue 'S'

Dick Happens.

Jamba Juice announced a new dick smoothie for people like Joel. Well, just for Joel. The press packet (***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***) announced "Jamba Juice's all new Dick Mixes contain all the delicious dick Joel wants without the fat or carbs!" It also read that when you're on the go, and you can't stop for dick, grab a new Dick 2 Go Mixer and take that cock in a cab.

Although they seem pretty damned psyched about all this, keep in mind they were also very excited about selling those meat pocket microwaved thingies. Those things fucking BLOW. Not to get on too much of a Jim Gaffigan rant here or nuthin.

(pictured above, Kate Wilentz writes on a banana for a pitch. Out of frame, Brad Harvey deals with his confused arousal.)