UAG

More Previews Info Wars Conspiracies Before They're Fully Half-Baked

Alex Jones and Info Wars are just like the Cheesecake Factory, except for grotesquely huge portions of subpar food, they are cooking up batshit conspiracies that would make Art Bell roll his eyes. But even these theories take time to create. Here are some of the lies they're working on for upcoming shows:

• The word "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in the 1964 film "Mary Poppins" when translated from the Latin, actually means "the white race was born to colonize and conquer mud races."

• Colombians have already created a working teleportation machine, but they only use it to cause bags of cocaine to appear in Alex Jones's dressing room.

• Men's rights groups have been falsely accused of being a bunch of bitter, misogynistic assholes, when in reality they are sensitive, brokenhearted idealists whose dreams have been shattered by fucking bitches and whores murder them all.

• Ping pong is turning generations of youth into limp-wristed, indoors-loving Asian wannabes.

• I hate you.

• LCD screens have secret signals embedded in their screens that brainwash you into liking crap like "Bones" or "Storage Wars."

• Beans, beans are actually not good for the heart. But the more you eat, the more you do fart.

• The Broadway show "Hamilton" is a leftist plot to indoctrinate young people into enjoying negro "rap" music while teaching them about American history. EDUCATION IS A PLOT AGAINST MINDS AND IS THE ENEMY!!!!!!!!!1

Here Are Your Job Numbers For This Week

Hi all-

Karlsen from IT here. Those of you who do not subscribe to my monthly Snorks fan fiction podcast may not be familiar with my sense of humor, so please bear with my wacky sensibilities as I make the following company-wide announcement:

ATTENTION ALL EARTHLINGS: YOUR TIMESHEETS ARE DUE BY END OF DAY TODAY. THAT'S RIGHT, TODAY. FAILURE TO DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER WILL RESULT IN DISINTEGRATION. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, HUMAN WEAKLINGS!!!!

j/k, guys. Here are the job numbers:

582597: Translating the lyrics for Starship's "Sara" into Spanish

732201: Hiding your ATM PIN number from the prostitute that's with you

124187: Hiding your raging hard-on during an audit

663215: Ordering from QVC just to talk to another human being

922593: Whipping out your Qdoba loyalty card at a Chipotle

222750: Hoping your friends don't notice you stole a bunch of Opie and Anthony jokes

524597: Spelling Matthew McConaughey's name without having to Google it

820005: Bullying Best Buy's Geek Squad

886363: Communicating with your better self in a parallel universe

392581: Successfully resuscitating Resusci-Anne doll

272203: Stopping your cable news interview to vomit into a bucket

634524: Using chip clips to clamp your belly fat for laffs

711129: Swatting at imaginary bees that are actually not imaginary at all

Tom Weingard's Search For a Decent Cheesesteak In NYC, Part 2

Tom samples Carl's Steaks on 3rd Avenue.

An Open Letter To Jim Koch of Samuel Adams Beer

Hello, Jim Koch, founder and brewmaster of Samuel Adams Beer. How's it going. We're fine, thanks.

You seem like a really cool and down-to-earth guy, so we found it important to bring this up with you: your substance abuse problem. And I think you know what we're talking about.


No, not the drinking. In your field of expertise, it's only natural to drink quite a bit of your product (which is absolutely delish, by the way) since you have to produce a Sam Adams White Ale in the spring, a Summer Ale, an Octoberfest in autumn and a Winter Lager. It's all part of the job that you're sampling pints and pints of delicious beer. Hell, we like to drink a pint or eight every once in a while at a bar, sit back with two hands full of lager and our penis out. Sure, who doesn't?


The problem we're talking about is your sniffing hops. Which you apparently do a lot of. A lot.



Listen to Holly Amert, your Bavarian Hops seller @ :20:


"He doesn't sniff. He dives in the hops."

You hear that, Jim? That's a concerned employee of yours, describing you as diving into hops at every possible opportunity. We counted you sniffing hops at least three times in that commercial alone. And that's not only disturbing, that's unhygienic.



Who knows how many times you snort wheat when the cameras are off? Maybe you sit at home with a "hops trough" under your nose that you've fashioned out of CD cases and wire hangers. Maybe you've fired the employees who've found you in the executive bathroom stall, barely conscious with broken hops littering your chest. Maybe you've developed a faint green ring around your nostrils that you're hoping no one notices.




Consider this a digital intervention, Jim. This is on behalf of all your friends, loved ones, and employees who care so much about you. Lay off the hops, step back, and get a hold of yourself. Or at least move on to something less addictive, like smelling Yankee Candles.

Fun With Non-English Speaking People Leaving Notes On Inanimate Objects!

(pictured above, a dryer at a laundromat and a stove outside a repair shop. Both in Brooklyn)