Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 10, 2025

From: accounting@company.net

Sent: April 10, 2025

To: ALL_Company

Subject: Updated job numbers for timesheets

Hello team!

Since our billing system went tits up last week, we've had to rebuild the job folders and have applied new job numbers to both tasks you have going and new ones for this week. Regardless of status, please use these new job numbers moving forward:

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29771: Bitching about hybrid working

92104: Finding all your meeting invites in the SPAM folder

01186: Checking your balls for lumps in a meeting

64662: Checking your co-worker's breasts for lumps in a meeting

44057: Collating your elaborate Bachelorette Party invites that you printed on the company printer

34031: Gagging after smelling your own feet

62376: Surrendering to the bacchanal that is the Zoom call Happy Hour

A Pamphlet I Spotted at City Hall

"TOGETHER WE CAN CONTROL RATS"

Cool! I wanna control the back legs!

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based on Glitter Tattoo Names

A declining box office has forced Hollywood's major studios to scramble for the next big blockbuster franchise. But since almost every novel, comic book, original script, adapted script and short story idea has already been turned into a movie, the next place to look for ideas is from Glitter Tattoo names from a gumball machine in a Pump It Up trampoline park in Roselle Park, New Jersey.

Here now are all the script ideas already in development with the names attached to the projects:

"Crowned Heart" starring George Clooney, Aldis Hodge and Karen Gillan

Two pediatricians (Clooney and Hodge) help an exceptional child with a chronic illness find his voice and inspire his entire school. Karen Gillan plays the aggrieved mother.

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"Flying Dragon" starring Simu Liu, Ali Wong and Alex Winter

Two karaoke singers (Liu and Winter) are mistaken for Chinese gangsters and need to find the real culprits to clear their name within 24 hours. Also starring Clancy Brown as Police Sergeant Mudworth.

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"Dancing Dolphins" directed by Mira Sorvino. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Minoso, Sophia Bush, and Paula Patton

This script is still being developed under tight wraps. but all we know so far is that it's being filmed in Florida and Weta Workshop is developing the special fx. Lizzo, P!nk and Sam Smith are recording the soundtrack.

 

“Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion To One's Pathmark.”

Alternate Opening Lyrics to Lisa Loeb's 1994 Song "Stay (I Missed You)"

EADJ recently gained access to Lisa Loeb's old notebooks and discovered that her 1994 runaway hit "Stay (I Missed You)" had quite a few alternate opening lines instead of

♪ You say / I only hear what I want to ♪

The song itself is an emotional post-mortem to a break-up and hints at the main character admitting she wasn't a great partner/roommate and perhaps wanting to move back in with them.

Here now are some of those alternates:

♪ You say / I ate all of your Cheetos ♪

♪ You say / I leave pubes in the shower ♪

♪ You say / I pay rent with Chuck E Cheese tokens ♪

♪ You say / I blocked your car in on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I gave you chlamydia ♪

♪ You say / I sold your VCR for some uppers ♪

♪ You say / I fart in your gym bag on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I never flush when we have guests ♪

♪ You say / I erase your answering machine messages on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I stole the batteries from the remote for my shaver ♪

UAG

Like a Pathmark Touched For The Very First Time

Yes, that is ice cream left hidden amongst tea.

Kleenex® Nags The Public

Spotted in a recent issue of Advertising Age: Kleenex takes out a full page ad to remind the public not to use its name as a generic synonym for tissue.


"by using the name Kleenex® as a generic term for tissue, you risk erasing our coveted brand name that we've worked so hard for all these years."

And why would I give a shit again? Do I have any vested interest in erasing your coveted brand name? Look, I just need a snotrag to wipe my boogers. I don't care if you grab me a tissue or a Kleenex® or a ShamWow™. Here, just give me that Sock®.


"Just pretend it's in permanent marker." Fuck you, Kleenex. I'm gonna pretend I'm blowing my nose with all the money you spent on this ad. In fact, I'm gonna xerox a kleenex, seal it up with cellophane and scotch tape, then fedex it to you in a thermos filled with dry ice. How about that, motherfuckers®?