2020 Was A Weird Year.

This was a real purchase: 

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Jan. 7-11, 2019

Hey guys. Samantha here. You know the deal. Don't make me get up and hunt you down. Don't get on my bad side. Don't make me put down my coffee. Don't cross me sideways unless you want a size 10 heel up your wazoo, mister. Job numbers. Do them. Submit them to Accounting by 3pm or none of us will get paid:

28488: Burning the microwave popcorn

28488b: Claiming to like burnt microwave popcorn

86936: Flossing while "flossing"

50138: Work stuff

78934: Googling "pipe bomb" in Private mode

38199: Spitting on your dick at the urinal

200723: Washing that man right out of your hair

933567: Finding a toe ring that matches

422420: Greenlighting another shitty DCEU movie

100731: Shouting sweet nothings across the street

283680: Bringing a "hunna stack" to the Dollar Store

55883: Headbutting Jeff Bridges

102144: Headbutting Steve Buscemi

838371: Headbutting John Goodman

Another Preview of Info Wars Conspiracies In The Making

The crack writing crackpots of "Info Wars" are already working on next week's set of Alex Jones fuckbottle rants. (What's a fuckbottle? I'll keep it.) Here now are a few conspiracies you can look forward to supporting and spreading, if you are a dumb, right wing bigot shithead asshole cocksucker:

• Bales of hay left in farm fields contain homing beacon trackers for North Korean paratroopers once they invade in August

• Pesto is actually gay leprechaun semen. Believe me- I know.

• The #MeToo movement is a group of angry Etsy sellers out to destroy all males and turn this country into a fascist knitocracy 

• The Big and Tall Mens Store staffs attractive, nice smelling young men with rippling muscles on purpose so that when they measure your inseam, you cum like a shark

• The board game Connect Four is an unfair, manipulative bullshit of a fucking game and WE DON'T WANT TO PLAY THAT ANYMORE

Robert Ludlum Is Running Out Of Nouns

 

 Author Robert Ludlum has run into an enviable crisis: his Jason Bourne books (and movies) have gotten so popular that he has run out of nouns for book titles. After "Identity," "Supremacy," "Deception," "Sanction," "Ultimatum," and "Legacy," his noun well has run dry, and this could affect his 58 future releases.

 

Here now are the remaining possible titles that Ludlum has left to release:

The Bourne Inconvenience

The Bourne Umbrage

The Bourne Strategy

The Bourne Stratego

The Bourne Hasselhoff

The Bourne Syllabus

The Bourne Cypher

The Bourne Target Market

The Bourne Hasenpfeffer

The Bourne Baby Björn

The Bourne Shiwala

The Bourne Betrayall (different from "Betrayal" in that it has two l's)

The Bourne Noun

The Bourne Jeggings

The Bourne Status

The Bourne Thingy

The Bourne Crinoline

The Bourne Demitasse

The McBourne

The Bourne Hub (not to be confused with PornHub)

The Bourne Enruobeht (palindrome!)

The Bourne Candy Crush Saga

The Bourne Canker

The Bourne Summersquash

The Bourne Twihard

The Bourne Disestablishmentarianism

I Think This Counts As A "Turkey."

Picture above, a very rare photo taken on the NJ Transit train: 3 people in a row reading PRINTED BOOKS.

A Toucan Cleric's Fun Classic Rewind Retro Moment

Pictured above, Matt and Tom sitting next to each other (or is Matt standing?)

A Couple of Ponderables

 This sign at a Panera Bread baffled me and ruined my meal.

"Built on our fresh baked bread every morning?" What was built on the fresh bread?

Does it say "Fresh baked bread, built on our every morning?" Or does it say "Built on our fresh bread, baked every morning?"

MOTHERFUCK WHAT IS THIS

This was a less puzzling headline on a free tote bag I got from a bookstore, advertising a book I'm pretty sure I'm never going to read. Sorry, S.J.

"Memories define us. So what if you lost yours every time you went to sleep?"

You could either read that second sentence as if it's posing a frightening possibility or as if you don't give a shit if you lost your memories every time you went to sleep.

"So what? Quit your bellyaching."