Whattaya Say We Say Goodbye To More Stuff In Advertisements!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Downfall of "Big Box" Stores

"Great question. *huff* Sociologists often refer... uh... to it as the 'Retail Apocalypse'... ouch... ack... wait... which describes a steep decli... AGGHHH! AGGGHHHHH! ...decline in... uh... so-called brick and mortar stores starting around 2010.... JESUS! OUCH! The shift to online shoppi.... Wait, I can't breathe... the shift to... uhh... uhhh.. uhhh...." *dies*

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 13, 2018

Hello everybody! It's Sam from Sam's Sandwichery downstairs. I cater sandwiches for all your client meetings and whatnot. The CEO asked me to send out the job numbers for this week since she couldn't be in the office today. There will also be sandwiches in the Fish Bowl for you but ONLY AFTER you complete your timesheets for the week. That was the deal. Also, please take only the mayo packets you know you're going to use. Some of you are stealing a bunch of them downstairs, and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use:


360278: Pretending to give a shit how somebody's weekend was

042490: Gazpacho

662755: Reaching for a landline phone that isn't there anymore

821217: Giving it to her good

600003: Checking for testicular cancer in the elevator

474201: Wondering who stole your Han Solo figure

361755: Sneaking that 4K Smart TV past security

825556: Talking about your shitty musical taste with that other cocksucker your age

022192: Reminiscing over you, my god

925944: Stealing mayo packets at Sam's Sandwichery

EADJ Summer Segment: Creators Explain

This is part 2 of an ongoing seasonal series, where we have asked the creators of various beach toys to explain their invention. This week: Sam Kretfell, inventor of Reach Volley

SK: Yeah, this is one o' those games where you throw this tennis ball thing and catch it with these velcro paddles 'n shit.

EADJ: Isn't the name a little confusing by sounding a lot like 'beach volleyball'?

SK: Nah, man. This is Reach Volley. Your homie volleys that shit to you, and you reach, dig? 'S fun for kids or whatever.

EADJ: Okay.

SK: That's it.

EADJ: Is this sold at dollar stores?

SK: Yeah, how'd you know?

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Now that's concentration, fellas.

"Who's the baby-man with no beard and no shirt? Shall we shoot him?"

"Nah, just run him over."

Ben Franklin brought back a pretty nasty STD from his visit to France.

This is great. No change necessary.

"Whoa, easy with that Animalizer Ray Gun."

"STOP SHOOTING! STOP SHOOTING! PUT THAT ANIMALIZER GUN DOWN!"

This just might be the ugliest album cover I've seen in years. And that includes Limp Bizkit's "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water."

"My eyes are up here, guys."

Looks like somebody saw the new MacGyver reboot Fridays on CBS.

Fucking awful. But look how strategically that other mixtape CD is placed on the shitter floor.