"Do Not Take Life Too Seriously. You Will Never Get Out of It Pathmark."

Uhhh...

I'm not sure how Temu figured out my plans for the weekend, but they nailed it.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Zozark: Ozark But With Zombies

• Police Procedural With Zero Surprises

• French Stewart: A Life of Annoyance

• Shivs: A Prison How-To Series  

• Shaved By The Belle

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Game show: Who Sharted?

• Things This Turtle Will Hump

• Fullest House: Time To Move Out

• Queen Victoria: A Sexual Journey

Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 25, 2019

Hello

This is the temp Hal. I've been fuckin asked to fuckin remind the whole office that fuckin timesheets are due at the end of the day and shit. And you all need to use the latest fuckin job #s or else nobody gets fuckin paid. But I do because the temp agency pays me regardless LOL 🖕

Anyway, here are the job numbers to use. Hal out:

58576: Sybian training

21094: Proving you weren't fondling the Resusci-Annie

50034: Sharing your peach cobbler recipe

91990: Teaching the younger folk how to skank

68931: Revealing spoilers for "The Sixth Sense"

77515: Gaslighting the nation

37912: Searching "feet' on Pornhub

022175: Shitting you

19281: Badmouthing cabbage as a substitute for kale

00313: Doin' the Mess Around per Ray Charles's instructions

52219: Wingin' it at speed dating

39997: Interrupting your daughter's makeup tutorial

83136: Sucking it up

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Cory and Desmond waited patiently while GameSpot repaired their XBox 360.

Iggy wondered why all the neighborhood kids yelled "Jan Hammer!" when biking past her house.

Sing | Pray | Love | Foundation | Foundation | Foundation | Foundation | 

"C'mere. COME HERE. Did you see who pulled the chair out from under me?"

Lighting can make a naked woman look either very sensual or like a leftover Salisbury steak.

That's a pretty impressive Ted homage. I also like the guy double gunning two joints.

????????????? [Don't ask me why, for I do not know the answer to this one.]

The retoucher tried to create a golden pair of headphones. It ended up looking like the S91-SB-04 Satin Brass Door Handle from Handle World.

Everybody looks so bummed to be so free.

Marijuana?! No, these days Macaulay Culkin is into way harder stuff.

EADJ Fashion Roundup: Suspicious Character Edition

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING. LIKE IF YOU SEE WHAT COULD BE AN OPERATIVE OF A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION LIKE COBRA COMMANDER, PLEASE REPORT IT TO THE POLICE.

I don't want to sound racist, but if you're gonna wear a yarmulke and those 180s ear warmers, why not just cover your entire head with a sombrero?

 High heeled sneakers are wildly impractical, but at least they look great, right? No.

Here a suspicious character, possibly a secret agent or government operative, works on decoding a message.

I used my FBI training to surreptitiously zoom in on what he was holding without being detected, using my "iPhone," I perpetrated like I was talkin'.

What is he holding? Launch codes? A schematic for a maxiumum security alarm system?

Oh. A Sudoku. And an easy one, if you ask me. What kind of government operative can't complete a simple Sudoku? Idiot.

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, Gary. Lean forward a little bit and let Hannah rest her head on your shoulder... yes, like that. There."

"I got a question, Quentin."

"Yes, Gary?"

"What will this be used for?"

"Try not to move, Gary. Um, this photo will be a used as stock photography. Hannah dear, try turning your head to the left more. Your left..."

"Stock photography? I thought this was for something specific."

"Nope. The contract says 'general use,' which means these shots we're taking will be offered for whatever a paying client would like to use them for."

"What about a model release? Don't they need my permission to use the photos?"

"That was part of your contract with me. You and Hannah have already signed over model rights for these shots. That was what you signed before I cut the checks."

"Quentin? My neck is starting to hurt."

"Sorry, Hannah. Lean back a little more, but keep your eyes where they are."

"Wait. So that means they could use this photo of me and Hannah for anything, like an NRA ad or a brochure for herpes? Or God forbid, for target shooting practice for a hate group?"

"Um, hate groups don't usually use stock photography, I don't think."

"But you're saying we have no control over what these photos will be used for."

"Right. But you cashed your check already, right?"

"Yes, but..."

click!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And now, this month's most questionable and/or least explained hip hop mixtape covers:

Nature: Seasons Changed (Spring Edition)

Are you sure this isn't a Narada New Age music sampler sold at aromatherapy spas and head shops?

Look. Someone scanned a necklace pendant that they got at a fair.

A goat man? A possessed mother? A Gremlin with lopped off ears? I almost want to listen to this out of morbid curiosity. Almost.

"It's a trap!" Yeah, I get it. Who doesn't. But what I find interesting is the Middle Earth elf and the guy bending over with jeans behind Admiral Ackbar. This photo was stolen from a comic convention! How awesome is that for those cosplayers?!

"Hi. We're Cherish. And the truth of the matter is, if any of your friends offer you drugs or alcohol and won't take no for an answer, then they're not real friends. Just stand up to them, say 'no thanks,' and stand with one hip uncomfortably out to the side like you just hip checked a runaway refrigerator. And that's one to grow on."

"Exquisite" is the latest artwork filter featured in Adobe Illustrator 6.5. Now you can turn any boring cell phone shot of your friends into a stylish but boring cover for your mixtape!

I can't say for sure whether Donald Trump would really tweet a shout-out to Chief Keef, but the Donald has tweeted stranger and more random things. Sure, Keef, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

The thing that makes the least sense here are the AUTUMN LEAVES.

Future's clapper was successfully installed. Now if only he could start dusting the place...

Nobody from H.R. had gotten around to speaking to Georgia about how her outfits weren't exactly office-appropriate, especially since the regional manager's conference was in two days.

Gillie Da Kid tests his clapper from 4 miles away from his apartment, and miraculously, it works!

Jadakiss's foot powder empire was unrivaled.

Here's the thing about going out to eat with Defari. If you take him to Olive Garden, and he spots that oversized prop wine bottle, he WILL grab it and do thirty minutes of prop comedy with it until your entire group gets thrown out.

Someone wanted to be badass by photoshopping their face onto Optimus Prime's with a gun barrel for a mouth, but it only ended up looking like they're an appliance that brews delicious coffee.

Hey guys. Look at the tat under his right nipple. It says DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

After he was stopped by the highway patrol, Meek Mills was disappointed to learn that he hadn't broken any laws besides a minor helmet law and was sent on his way. Man, he wasn't even cuffed!

It's a fact that Young Jeezy is an absolute clean freak, so when it's time to clean burned alfredo sauce on the crockpot, he gets pretty serious with it.

"Beat It" featuring Chris Brown. Make your own punchline.

You can get onto Google Image Search and recreate this mixtape cover in about three clicks.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I would love to one day find a stripper that shits out dollar bills.

Raekwon poses for his album cover, knowing full well that the Tonight Show is not about laughing.

It's Time Once Again To Play: Which Can, Erickson? Special MUST SEE TV Edition

Match the toilet location below with the title of a successful television series that people keep tell me I should watch because it's great but I haven't gotten around to watching (and probably won't):

TAV Istanbul Atatürk Airport, Turkey

Walmart, Eagle Rock, Pennsylvania

Shadowbrook Reception Hall, Shrewsbury, New Jersey

Core Club, NYC

Arclight Theatre, Los Angeles, California

National Marionette Theatre, Prague, Czech Republic

Canyon Club, Agoura Hills, California

Buddakan, NYC

Answers will be posted on Monday. So suck on that for the weekend.

UAG