Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Now before we finish this 18th hole, I wanted to let you know that I'm actually Carlos Reyes, the man you cheated fifteen years ago."

*shoots him dead*

"Sorry, I messed up this possession. I'm new to this LOL"

"Maybe if we glower harder the drones will leave us alone."

"CANDICE DID YOU PICK THIS AIRBNB? I AM SO MAD AT YOU"

"I don't believe it. It's incredible. You did all that, doggy? Crazy."

"Miss, you dropped your drei..."

*makes eye contact*

"...dl."

"You said this was a DREAM HOUSE but didn't mention that the DREAM was a MURDERER's DREAM and not a REGULAR GOOD DREAM, you murderer!"

"No, don't kill him. We have six hours—plenty of time to get lunch and shop at that strip mall with the candle store."

EADJ Etiquette Center Presents An Etiquette Pop Quiz

POP QUIZ: A person in front of you is finishing up at the soda fountain station and is getting a top and straw for their beverage. You need more ice and Coca Cola for your drink. Do you:

a) squeeze by her and get both

b) get the ice but not the Coke, because it's too close to her

c) WAIT YOU FUCKING TURN AND HOLD YOUR GODDAMNED HORSES FOR MAYBE 20 SECONDS. SHIT, ARE YOU DYING OF THIRST, YOU HORRIBLE, IMPATIENT ANIMAL? TAKE A FRIGGIN' CHILL PILL AND oh, she done now.

Answer: c

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The End of January

To: ALL

From: Trent Neuwerth

Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!

I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes: 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:

2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants

5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect

1184456: Lying to toddlers

9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff

4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs

555835: Blaming the media

011044: Masturbating under a chandelier

888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway

5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus

0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech

7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up

8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song

Triscuit Company Proudly Supports Lesbians

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Triscuit Co. would like to make an announcement of solidarity and sisterhood with all lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Triscuit Co. is making this announcement independently of their parent company, RJR Nabisco Inc., which in turn is owned by Kraft Foods Inc. Neither RJR Nabisco Inc. nor Kraft Foods Inc. have approved this stand for solidarity with lesbians worldwide.

That's not to say that RJR Nabisco Inc. or Kraft Foods Inc. disapprove of lesbians worldwide. Both corporate entities are simply choosing to not join Triscuit Co. in its announcement. This distinction must be made very clear.

It's not that RJR Nabisco Inc. and Kraft Foods Inc. don't recognize the struggle of lesbians worldwide for equal workplace rights and civil unions. It's just that Triscuit Co. chose to make this public announcement without consulting either corporation.

Not that the fact that the announcement was public had anything to do with it. Wait. No, actually it does. The fact that it has to do with the struggle of all lesbians nationwide has nothing to do with it. RJR Nabisco Inc., Kraft Foods Inc., and Triscuit Co. have definite corporate guidelines to follow when making public announcements like this, but Triscuit Co. for some reason went ahead and made this grand sweeping gesture about lesbians without consulting the other firms, making those two look like bad guys for not going along with.

And while we're on the subject, the Thin Crisps Division of Triscuit Co. actually does not support the struggle of lesbians worldwide. The Thin Crisps Division, which covers Original, Parmesan Garlic, Quattro Formaggio, Sweet Chili, Cilantro Herb and Chipotle, and Applewood Smoked Barbecue, all condemn Triscuit Co.'s rash announcement that the entire company loves lesbians and wants to march with them.

The non-Thin Crisp version of all the flavors mentioned, however DO support lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Oh, to hell with it. Shelley in accounting at Triscuit Co. is out now. You all happy now? Jesus.

Concrete Was Scared By A Goose.

Concrete was scared by a goose.


Manhole cap did nothing to help him.


Potpourri burner was appalled.


Elevator corner was angry.


Hand dryer didn't give a shit.


Dog sweater didn't understand what the big deal was.


Slippers yelled at him for not being brave enough.


Loaf of bread fell asleep.


Then next thing you know, concrete got scared by a crane.