The ProofrEADJer: March Edition

Meanwhile, in Joliet:

Wait a minute. I thought this one misspelled "PUTIN" but realized it's correct. And better.

Wait, which is the UNSWEET END? PUT IT IN – *RUMP

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of September Edition

This plumbing company also decorates donuts.

And yes, I'm an asshole for including this, but a typo's a typo.

A Rebuttal of "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey From The Alleged Easy Lover, Who Incredibly, Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan Again

Previous related entry here.

Jesus. Why do creeps always come in twos? First I get called a "Maneater" because I won't sleep with two guys who buy me jalapeño poppers at a bar, now these two other losers are slut-shaming me? Shit, I'm starting to think I need to find a different bar to go to after work. A point-by-point rebuttal to Phil and Philip (who I never could tell who was who):

1) "Easy lover / She'll get a hold on you believe it" Look, I've only had 4 boyfriends in my adult life, and one was a speed date that didn't work out. And I never slept with the bald one or the black one (who is admittedly kind of cute), so this idea that I'm "easy" is beyond offensive. I think they're just bitter I didn't put out.

2) "Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees" Talk about a backhanded compliment. "Ohh! Look at the scary assertive woman who refuses your clumsy advances, so she's automatically broken your heart!" Gimme a break.

3) "She's an easy lover / She'll take your heart but you won't feel it / She's like no other / And I'm just trying to make you see" I didn't take shit, gents. I took my purse and moved to another table.

4) "She's the kind of girl you dream of / Dream of keeping hold of / You'd better forget it / You'll never get it" I actually agree with this one. Damn straight you'll never get it if you try shitty pickup lines. I don't care how funny you are, baldie.

5) She will play around and leave you / Leave you and deceive you / Better forget it / Oh you'll regret it" No no no. I did not "play around". I said "no thank you" and tried to get the bartender's attention so I could pay for my rum and Coke. I certainly wasn't going to let another pair of 80s musicians pay for my tab so they can harass me later.

6) "No you'll never change her, so leave it, leave it / Get out quick 'cause seeing is believing / It's the only way / You'll ever know" Fine. Let the losers warn each other that I'm not approachable. I'll find me a real man who can commit, like that Rick Astley.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The End of January

To: ALL

From: Trent Neuwerth

Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!

I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes: 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:

2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants

5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect

1184456: Lying to toddlers

9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff

4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs

555835: Blaming the media

011044: Masturbating under a chandelier

888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway

5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus

0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech

7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up

8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Okay, so you've run away from home, quit your job at Qdoba, packed two tank tops and a tube of toothpaste in a gym bag and jumped on a Greyhound to the Valley to make it big as an adult film star. But you forgot two important things: your dental dam and a marketable PORNSTAR NAME!

Well, we at EADJ are here to provide you with a name you can be proud of as you either ejaculate on a stranger or have a stranger ejaculate on you. Here are two helpful lists (hers and his) that you can consider for your next big break in the biz:

HER:

Urethra Franklin (courtesy of Emily Kane)

Ureter Moreno

Sarah Draftinhere

Tits Romney

Pisstina Applegape

Humpkin Spice Twattay

Anna Tomicallycorrect

Phyllis Holerighthere

Alluva Cox

Lilly Hammered

Betty Cumsfirst

HIM:

Junk Dilla

Tucker Boner

Jack Kinghoff Yurdad

Takina Dumpf

Insurance Claude

Jean-Michele Scrota

Pvt. Partz

Phil Anderer

Otto Correct

Bruce D. Ego

Reck Tal

Darius Fucker

Act Like You Pathmark

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Ten Inch Hero

What makes a sandwich authentic? Back in 2009, we explored (with help from Tom Weingard) what made for a suitable and an unsuitable Philly cheesesteak. Now when it comes to movies, there's a similar way to tell why identical ingredients can form an unsatisfying rip-off. This method is known as the EADJ Crappinema.


Today we review the movie "Ten Inch Hero" a story of three girls- Piper, Tish and Jen, and their trials and tribulations with love as they run a restaurant in a small town. If this sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly the plot summary to 1998's "Mystic Pizza." And writing-wise and acting-wise, "Ten Inch Hero" is pretty close in quality to "Mystic Pizza," only it's a sandwich served up 22 years too late.
















The following conversation is lifted verbatim from the film:



Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey is really good.





Zoe: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.






Piper: Oh. Okay…Um, egg salad, then?




Zoe: Well, eggs are really chicken abortions. I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly: Right on.



Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating the by-product of the hen's menstrual cycle.




Priestly: Well, that's certainly appetizing– a "hen period salad." That's lovely.






































The following line is verbatim from the film:

Piper: (after seeing Jen's date fuzzzy_22) That settles it. I have GOT to get my DSL hooked up.



























From Wikipedia:

Ten Inch Hero did not get a cinematic release in the US and was instead released direct to video. It was released February 10, 2009 in the United States exclusively by Blockbuster Video, and released May 6, 2009 on DVD in Australia.






Overall grade: F