Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of October 19

Jallo!

This is Kurtzmann at front desk! I say hello to all of you all every day! It become my turn to send out reminder that sheets of time be submit today before end of today. Please do so now so that I can let you out of building! I am kidding- I am not allowed to do that for real life. Happy face.

Here they are:

935888 - Status meeting re-rescheduling

525001 - Arguing that At The Drive In! is more influential than TV On The Radio

313208 - Demanding your donated plasma back

712204 - Convincing HR that whipping out your dick is a religious practice

533788 - Preparing your rhymes for tonight's battle cipher

891341 - Bonding with the mail room guys over hating geese

118270 - Making a stipple portrait of John Oliver by throwing pencils at the ceiling

424728 - Giving head to the Dominos guy because you forgot your wallet

661820 - Fishing your smartphone out of the toilet

484012 - Really turning this place around

920130 - Pleading with a bear

UAG

Introducing The Two Schools Of Misplaced Pathmark Merch: "On Top" and "Amongst"

Continuing our piece on how "Pathmark" segments fall into either "On Top" or "Amongst" categories. Today we will devote the entire entry to "Amongst" items:

6 Lies Told By The Hornblower Jazzy Champagne Brunch Cruise Brochure

1) There is no mention of the below-decks orgy that occurs halfway through brunch.

2) "Contact us for deals & specials." They neglected to share the password for the below-decks orgy, which is "Land ho!" Seriously, it's a proper no-holds-barred, go-for-the-gusto orgy with plenty of penetration, spouse-swapping, and stretched-to-the-limit latex.

3) "Glorious views" indeed. Staring into a stranger's gaping 50-year-old vagina after a couple of mimosas is pretty darn glorious.

4) "There's no better way to brunch." ;)

5) That ain't chocolate.

6) "Photo opportunities with New York's most iconic landmarks." In actuality, there are NO CAMERAS OR PHONES ALLOWED in the below-decks orgy for privacy and security reasons. Anyone caught taking a selfie while some rando Lithuanian is balls deep in you will be severely reprimanded and asked to leave.

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EADJ and the American Society of Six Lies Told are thrilled to announce the Six Lies Told fragrance, bottled and distributed by Lamå Rousse perfumery. The fragrance itself is an oriental musk, with hints of white florals and iced coffee. Starting out with top notes of whipped crème coffee, clementine and nectarine, the scent’s mid notes are made up of dulce de leche, orange flower and jasmine sambac. Rounding the fragrance out are the richer base notes of luminous amber and sensual musk.

The Six Lies Told fragrance will sell for $1500 for an 8 oz. bottle.

The Dickside Chats, Part Three (Entry #398)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, balls, and general kung fu stances on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very homestyle, very mellifluous series:

Joel:... (continued from Friday's entry) Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

Andrew: (Passing Joel bowl of dick) Point taken. Besides, the opinions of those who chomp cock are pretty much nonpartisan by default, yes? Thought so. Anyhoosies, there's been something on my mind for a little while now, and it's only grown more glaring in recent weeks, following the sink jerking developments. How does the bullshit list fit in with EADJ? Are they two circles that intersect? How do you see this playing out?

Joel: Frankly, Susan, I'd love for EADJ to grow its readership beyond the bullshit list. And that's probably going to require me to become a famous screenwriter. I'm sorry, is this dick organic?

(pictured above, a high angle spares us a shot of Andrew's Dad's balls; Andrew's Dad shows us a sock)