You've Got Chocolate In My Peanut Butter, and Peanut Butter In My Racist Appliances!

And Now, A Public Service Message

"Hi. This is the voice of Alyssa Milano, star of 'Who's The Boss' and several hundred Maxim spreads in the 90s. I wanted to share with you some troubling news about one of our favorite snack foods, Animal Crackers and the way they are currently being abused by the nation's largest cookie manufacturers."

"Did you know that all four of the big cookie producers subject their Animal Crackers to degrading, unfathomable cruelty by forcing hundreds of them to cram into a cheap plastic container rather than a much roomier and classier cardboard-box-that-looks-like-a-circus-train-car? It's true."

"Much worse, did you know that almost 30% of all Animal Crackers end up being completely unrecognizable either through shoddy baking or unsafe packaging? 'Is that supposed to be a hippo or a cat?' Who knows? Who cares? I care."

"Please, for only $4500 a week, you can make sure that Animal Crackers such as these have enriched, happy lives before being mercilessly gobbled by a four-year old."

"I'm Alyssa Milano. And you can stand with me for this worthy cause. I mean, what else do you or I have to do this week? I'll pick you up at four."

♪ In the arms of the angels… ♫ 

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Watch An Ethan Hawke Movie

So you're interested in a movie and realize that the actor Ethan Hawke is in it. Or, you enjoy Ethan Hawke as an actor and want to support him by watching the latest movie that he's in. Either way, the most important thing to do before watching an Ethan Hawke movie is to realize that Ethan Hawke is just an actor. He is a professional chameleon, paid to bring his interpretation of a character to life. Here are some helpful hints on how to watch an Ethan Hawke movie that will maximize your viewing enjoyment:

1) Try to forget that Ethan Hawke was in "Dead Poet's Society." His performance in that movie was so seminal, so career-defining, that it's unfair to him to compare any subsequent performances to that one. 

2) Stop fixating on his eyebrows. Ethan Hawke tends to express himself A LOT with his eyebrows. But try to read his body language, facial expressions and intonation to get a better sense of what he's trying to act out.

3) If it's possible, pay more attention to the other actors. They too are helping create the story, scene-by-scene, and what their characters say is probably important to the plot.

4) HAVE FUN! Ethan Hawke got into the acting business to help transport people to an imaginary place through interesting stories and convincing performances. Stop overanalyzing everything and enjoy the movie.

And speaking of enjoying the movie, whoever swiped the copy of "Mystery Date" out of my limo's DVD player needs to fess up NOW and return it to me. I'll be fair and won't press charges if the disc is in good condition. Be safe, kids.

A Rear Entry

Submitted by Emily Kane via text at 7:38pm last night:

"SFVOSP!! Couldn't get frontal. Deal with it."

Although this does not earn Emily another Mollusk Award to accompany her Platinum Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page, she is commended for her late night diligence stalking the tunnels of her former employer, Unnamed Organization.