Ummm...

I'm guessing someone named their beloved pets after former presidents, and not their kids?

"Who pooped on the carpet? Was that you, Obama?"

Yes, There Is A 2016 Update To The Shorter, Fatter Version Of Scott Peterson, Featuring the Original Cast

By the way, Disney now owns the reboot rights to T.S.F.V.O.S.P.

And second by the way, here is the "lightning in a bottle" that Todd was talking about, from an EADJ entry back in March 5, 2007.

Six Lies Told By The New Jersey Performing Arts Center Brochure

1) "Stone's throw away," my dick. Clive Barnes of the New York Post is located on 47th Street and Avenue of the Americas- a good 14 miles from the NJPAC. If you can throw a stone 14 miles, Clive, then you're underusing your Kryptonian superpowers and have a lot of unrescued orphan buses to answer for.

2) That photo is not of famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma but of his practical joker brother Bao-Zhi Ma. What a kidder!

3) Diana Krall, Yo-Yo Bao-Zhi Ma, and Cesar Milan did not receive special permission from the NJPAC to appear in photos without their fat face resting on their hand like the other 5 celebs.

4) Alicia Graf Mack was not required in her Alvin Ailey performance to jump from the stage to the fifth level balcony. She just did, and everyone was basically cool with it. Mostly.

5) "Purchase parking in advance and save," my dick. You save like .50 on the pass, but they charge you a $2 "convenience fee" for the online purchase. Do yourself a favor and just ride on the bumper of the city bus. Fuck it.

6) "This is not a 'since we're going to the theater, we may as well eat here' place…" If that were true, why would Nico advertise on a theatre brochure? How disingenuous is that? "Oh, we are totally a destination restaurant, so fuck the theatre, but if you are going to the theatre, you should check us out." Eat my dick, Nico. As soon as Joel is done with it. You'll get your turn.

-----------------------

EADJ is thrilled to announce a collaboration with Tesla Motors, a project 4 years in the making. Coming November 2016, the Tesla Model 6L a mid-priced premium electric vehicle which will be rolling off the assembly line just in time for Christmas of 2016.

Some features of the 6L:

• A 185 kWh battery that lasts for 6 months without a charge

• Ramp handicapped access to the 3rd row

• 0-60 mph in .35 seconds

• Quadruple motor all-wheel drive

• Unfair comparisons to Joe Isuzu

• Giant, hideous "6" vinyl sticker, totally removable

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 2

(cue irritating banjo music)

As we continue Project Hillbilly Teeth, it's important to recap our mission goals:

1) find business cards that people have either mistakenly dropped or thrown away in public places

2) retain these business cards to protect these innocent people from identity thieves

3) mail them a confusing letter with a free package of "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth

4) profit


Over the past month, EADJ has collected quite a few of these errant business cards. But don't worry– we have plenty of "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth to go around.


In this installment, we meet Arlene and Thomas.





For both letters, we decided to go thankful and celebratory in tone.
(Click to enlarge and read)



A little postage, and our Bubba teeth are good to go!



And here's an artist's depiction of what we imagine Arlene and Thomas to look like when they try on their brand new "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth:



Stay tuned as we confuse more random people in future entries. In the docket: a priest from London, a social service coordinator, a managing director for Morgan Stanley, and a shuttle driver for Squaw Creek Resort!

(end irritating banjo music)

DICK. WILL. BE. EATEN. BY. JOEL.

The trailer for "Clash of the Titans" has the least creative tagline that I've seen in a while:




Well, duh. Just shuffle the words of the title around, Mr. Copywriter. Lazy lazy.

Here are some other lazy taglines (feel free to play some over-wrought epic music whilst reading):

THE. JEDI. WILL. RETURN.

PELHAM 123. WILL. BE. TAKEN.

MISS. DAISY. WILL. BE. DRIVEN.

THE. TITANS. WILL. BE. REMEMBERED.

THE. RINGS. WILL. BE. LORDED. OVER.

A LOCKER. WILL. BE. HURT.

CONNECTICUT. WILL. UNDERGO. A. HAUNTING.

SOMETHING YOU DID LAST SUMMER. WILL BE KNOWN. BY. ME.


I don't really have a real ending to this article, so here's a miscaptioned New York Times photo that Bill Dow just sent me:


Fart casserole!

Opinionated

Hey, Pewter Bear. What did you think of the YouTube Democratic debates?


Goddamn, Pewter Bear, is there anything you say that doesn't make everybody want to stab you in the eyesocket? You are such a miserable little DIPSHIT. Die already.