Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories From InfoWars

 

Hey, you're stupid, right? So that means you probably listen to Alex Jones over at InfoWars and buy into whatever dumb, peremptory conspiracy narrative he vomits into the airwaves. If so, you're in luck! Because the head writers at InfoWars have deigned to share with EADJ some of their upcoming storylines. Enjoy!

• Everyone working at PetSmart is actually a pet for the real owners of the company, THE LIZARD PEOPLE

• When you say "bless you" to someone who sneezes, what you're really doing is an incantation spell to invoke Azathoth, ruler of the Outer Gods!

• 01000101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100101

• Minnie Mouse is really just Mickey Mouse from another timeline in drag

• Donald Duck is really just Daisy Duck from the future in drag

• City sewer workers tag your poop and give the information to the census to calculate how much corn you eat

• Scott Baio has been blacklisted from Hollywood not because of his political views but because he still parts his hair down the center

• Monsanto has engineered a seed that cannot grow into anything. It looks remarkably like a rock.

• The Portuguese moon base is falling apart, but you haven't heard about it because Portugal's NASA controls everything past the Earth's atmosphere

UAG

UAG

Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Greetings, all. This is Gordon from corporate.

No, none of you are in trouble, but it been brought to my attention that this office has been slightly behind the cycle in doing timesheets. Now, being the fiscal bulldog that I am, I had to contact you all directly to stress the importance of DOING YOUR FUCKING TIMESHEETS EVERYDAY. Projects due in an hour? Stop and do your timesheet anyway. Late for a hot date night with your husband? Who cares. Do your timesheet. Building on fire? You can do your timesheets from your phone. Really, there is NO EXCUSE.

Here are this week's timesheets, which I expect you all to fill out by EOD (especially you, Myers):

447553: Pumping up the jam

302404: Filling your laugh lines with cocaine

009261: Taking a kid to Build A Bear Workshop and not buying anything

920427: Slam dunkin' hoes

210749: Inventing and developing the toothpaste jelly donut

820455: Binge watching all 63 seasons of "All My Children"

397576: Honking all over this chick's funbags

631223: Returning Ann Taylor Loft merchandise at a regular Ann Taylor store

342855: Pausing your shit fit for a coffee run

111111: Realizing that making a "duck bill" with Pringles in your mouth is not unique

577321: Finding someplace to unload your Better Than Ezra CDs

492003: Saving Lois Lane for the fucking umpteenth time

A Tempting Scenario At The Supermarket

There, in the produce department. About crotch-height, a scale.

It's about 10:30pm, and hardly anybody else is in the supermarket. No security cameras in sight.

What to do… what to do...

Oh. Also the burning question, how many grams is my dick?

Let's Disregard All the Safety Labels on the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein, a Facebook update by Scott Peterson:


Apparently Scott Peterson was on the Mad Men site and created a new profile picture.


So, naturally we had to do this: