EADJ Just Wants To Say Hi

Hey there. No, don't get up– we weren't going to stay for long. Just wanted to drop in and say hello and make sure you're doing okay. No, you're not in trouble. There is no major formal reason why we're here. We just wanted to check that you were still enjoying this blog after 16 years of this. We know we've had some good enduring segments and others that either fell to the wayside or were just shitty to begin with LOL.

Yeah. But we're glad you still hanging around for some reason. You look great, btw.

Six Lies Told By The New Jersey Performing Arts Center Brochure

1) "Stone's throw away," my dick. Clive Barnes of the New York Post is located on 47th Street and Avenue of the Americas- a good 14 miles from the NJPAC. If you can throw a stone 14 miles, Clive, then you're underusing your Kryptonian superpowers and have a lot of unrescued orphan buses to answer for.

2) That photo is not of famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma but of his practical joker brother Bao-Zhi Ma. What a kidder!

3) Diana Krall, Yo-Yo Bao-Zhi Ma, and Cesar Milan did not receive special permission from the NJPAC to appear in photos without their fat face resting on their hand like the other 5 celebs.

4) Alicia Graf Mack was not required in her Alvin Ailey performance to jump from the stage to the fifth level balcony. She just did, and everyone was basically cool with it. Mostly.

5) "Purchase parking in advance and save," my dick. You save like .50 on the pass, but they charge you a $2 "convenience fee" for the online purchase. Do yourself a favor and just ride on the bumper of the city bus. Fuck it.

6) "This is not a 'since we're going to the theater, we may as well eat here' place…" If that were true, why would Nico advertise on a theatre brochure? How disingenuous is that? "Oh, we are totally a destination restaurant, so fuck the theatre, but if you are going to the theatre, you should check us out." Eat my dick, Nico. As soon as Joel is done with it. You'll get your turn.

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EADJ is thrilled to announce a collaboration with Tesla Motors, a project 4 years in the making. Coming November 2016, the Tesla Model 6L a mid-priced premium electric vehicle which will be rolling off the assembly line just in time for Christmas of 2016.

Some features of the 6L:

• A 185 kWh battery that lasts for 6 months without a charge

• Ramp handicapped access to the 3rd row

• 0-60 mph in .35 seconds

• Quadruple motor all-wheel drive

• Unfair comparisons to Joe Isuzu

• Giant, hideous "6" vinyl sticker, totally removable

Let's Put a Paper Towel Underneath the EADJ Mail Sack To Soak Up All the Nasty Grease!

Submitted by Lauren Fontinel, uh... hmmm...a submission.

Found Item!

This business card on the Atlantic / Pacific platform in the subway:


You know, minor spelling error aside, I can respect the dude whose every skill listed on his business card is an attempt to get laid. Cheers, Andre!

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, Shorter, Fatter

It has been a while since an update, but The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has once again been spotted. This ends weeks of debate over whether the SFVOSP had found another job, died, or never even existed.

Andrew encountered the illusive organism earlier this morning. Here is his account:

As I sauntered in around 9:30 this morning, I spotted the SFVSOP in his typical summer outfit: a long green button up shirt with a plaid pattern and his trademark baggy Tommy Hilfiger jeans. He also was wearing something that struck me as curious: socks with sandals. The question of why comes to mind. He was carrying some sort of breakfast meal (looked greasy) and a bottle of orange juice. As we entered the elevator, he was captivated by the Captivate screen. He commented to a colleague about the Pat Tillman incident. His undertone led me to believe he is a liberal SFVSOP. His voice is extremely high. Higher than Joel’s, even. Yet another piece of steadily mounting evidence that he’s a little “you know.” He departed on the usual 22nd floor and I headed on my way.

For breaking the dry spell, Andrew earns the coveted Gold Mollusk Award, only the second ever to be given out (the first recipient was Ryan Boblett. Remember him?)

(pictured above, Mr. Wood, No. 2 by Andrew Gall. Ink on Paper. From his private collection.)