Unfortunate Free Font Of The Year

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An ad in SkyMall sells a new digital camera that you can hang or stand up to film you and your friends.


But this one use in particular piqued my interest:


Sweet! Sex tape! Looks like Jay Baruchel is getting lucky tonight!

So that photo has me wondering several things:

1) Does that (admittedly hot) girl know that her skeez boyfriend is filming them macking? Or will she find out later that footage of him tweaking her nips is now on YouPorn?

2) Is it actually her camera, and she's secretly filming them to prove that Chad Kregne is a date rapist just like the graffiti in the women's locker room says?

3) If that camera were self-aware and lonely, wouldn't this scenario be the cruelest of all fates?

Lobsterfest® Continues To Carry On Rolling On

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster refused to let up, assaulting everyone in the immediate area with chunks of butter and delicious morsels of mouth-watering lobster. Red Lobster has come up with even more ways for you and your effeminate boyfriend to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Try these latest savory, scrumptious offerings:

The following entries were all entirely submitted by Andrew Gall:

Upon entering the restaurant, you are blindfolded. From there, you feel the floor dropping out beneath you. You fall approximately 3 stories before landing on a soft beanbag. The blindfold is removed, and it is revealed that you're in a teen's basement bedroom. The beanbag you landed on is shaped like a lobster, and the teen and his friends are performing an all-ages music show for you as part of Red Lobster's Dining With the Rockin' Youth® initiative. You're given all-you can eat lobster and warm cheese biscuits while you're treated to the sounds of tomorrow. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


You order lobster at one of our fine establishments. As you tie your bib and prepare to dig in, you hear a distant voice speaking to you. This voice sounds mysteriously like your long lost father. While you eat, he whispers the sweet and prolific fatherly advice you lacked growing up, leading you to a life of crime in which you repeatedly ripped off discount tire distributors. As your meal winds down, you feel overcome with the right answers in life, and your belly is just as overcome with lobsteriffic delight. Your whispering pseudo-father promises to stay in touch, and you vow to stop robbing tire stores. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


On the first Tuesday of every month, each dinner patron gets a free Red Lobster painter's cap and choke chain for their pet. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


As you pick up your knife and fork and prepare to indulge in some succulent lobster, a horn sounds. Up-tempo music plays, a horn section begins, and confetti (which are actually small bites of lobster) begins blowing all around you. Patrons are encouraged to catch the lobster confetti pieces in their mouths, creating a "lobster-winter-wonderland" of sorts, as you'll be instantly reminded of eating fresh snowflakes while wearing snow pants. The confetti doesn't stop blowing until the entire table is covered or someone needs a pee break (whichever comes last!) And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

How To Fake a May Pass for the NJ Transit

Here's a handy way to avoid paying an entire month of NJ Transit fares.


NJ Transit unwisely prints each month in the same color. So what you can do (although EADJ does not hold any responsibility for you choosing to do so) is write a "Y" on the free space on a previous monthly pass...



Cut it out...


...and tape over the "R" on your old March monthly pass.


It does a pretty decent job of looking like a May pass, and on a busy, moving train, a conductor might not notice.


But on the more likely chance a conductor does notice it's a counterfeit...


...the cell sink provides some good handholds for you to brace yourself during unrelenting prison rape.

No-Curse Week Is Over.

Piss cock fucker shit pussy.

Titknocker.

Balltits.

Smegma queef doucheslapper.

Cockburgers.

My nuts in a gift bag.

Chinkfucking cockdouching assraping cunts.

EADJ Jazzy Joel and the Fresh Dick

How an innocent trip to traffic court turned into a dick-eating smorgasbord for Joel, in fourteen steps:

1) Joel wakes up

2) Joel takes a shower

3) Joel gets dressed

4) Joel picks up the morning paper from the curb

5) Joel enjoys a nutritious breakfast prepared by his chimp servant

6) Joel adjusts the thermostat to conserve energy while he's away

7) Joel waves hi to Mrs. Goldfarb sweeping her porch

8) Joel drives his RAV4 to traffic court

9) Joel stops at a stoplight and checks his hair

10) Joel finds a parking spot in the shade

11) Joel walks to the traffic court building

12) Joel sees a lot of dick in a nearby alley

13) Joel gobbles a motherfucking load of dick

14) Traffic court judge wastes an hour of his time waiting for Joel, reads the latest Mother Jones magazine

(pictured above, this week's top-selling pattern at Joann Fabrics)

It's all dick to Joel.

Whenever Joel is in an introspective, soul-searching mood, he goes to the nearest sweat lodge and talks to his spirit animal, the angora rabbit.

His shaman translates from rabbitspeak whatever the spirit animal says to Joel. Last week it was "KILL ALL CHILDREN" and "RAPE SOMETHING, QUICK!" This week the wise angora rabbit said "WHY DO YOU LET THAT BLOG MAKE FUN OF YOU, YOU FUCKING PUSSY?!!!! MURDER THAT BLOGGER!!!! KILL HIM!!! BOMB HIS SERVER!!!!" Unfortunately, Joel was too busy eating the shaman's dick to write it down. Whoopsie.

(pictured above, the worst gang ever)