An Example of Birdhouse Racism

An ad spotted on Amazon:

What's wrong with the green birdhouse? Why is it valued less if it's exactly the same besides color? Is that for the lower income birds? Separate but equal, my eye.

This Week's Least Used Twitter Hashtags

Since a certain someone bought Twitter then renamed it X then allowed far right, white supremacists and Russian bots to take over, Twitter and its main audience has changed a lot in the last few years, so too the idea of least used hashtags has changed:

#democracy

#genderequality

#blacklivesmatter

#respectfulpoliticaldiscourse

#icouldbewrong

#maybeishouldgetofflineandrevaluatemylife

#theSouthlost

New Circles of Hell Announced!

Lucifer—in conjunction with Hell Properties LLC and Caswell Architects Inc.—is happy to announce the expansion of the 9 Circles of Hell into 20 Circles (with additional retail space).

Construction begins in June of 2018 A.D., and the exciting new 11 circles will be open in October of 2020, A.D., so be sure to die damned sometime after that month. Here now are those new expanded circles:

Circle 10: People who backed up on the freeway to the exit they just missed

Circle 11: Jews. Just kidding! Catholics

Circle 12: Any contestant from MTV's Road Rules/Real World/The Inferno/Battle of the Sexes 2/The Island/The Gauntlet/Challenge Cutthroat or any version of that fucking shit

Circle 13: People who work at salad places but don't put a fork in the bag for you

Circle 14: People in movie theaters who text on their phones when the announcement to turn off your phones comes on

Circle 15: The members of New Edition who were not in Bell Biv DeVoe

Circle 16: Those three lying dickheads on Fox & Friends

Circle 17: People who don't clean up their dog's shit in public spaces

Circle 18: Freeloaders who try every sample at Costco

Circle 19: Clients who give you an assignment and tell you to "have fun with it"

Circle 20: Any millennial who has ever performed a ukulele cover of any kind

Retail spaces: Baby Devil Gap, Jamba Jizz, Abercrombie & Fitch, Lids, Lady Foot Locker, Damelot Music, Brimstone Creamery, Flay-A-Bear Workshop, Orange Julius

A Post-Labor Day Wrap-Up, Presented By Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

--------------------------------

FWD: Bob Hope in Heaven

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
 
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.

And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
downhill'..

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

And here's a special Back To School message for students from Cement Bird II, who also communicates only through crappy FWD emails:

When a male can't stand it anymore!

Priceless shot...

A photographer will die of old age

waiting to get another shot like this one.

PRICELESS!

TAKE THE NETZERO CHALLENGE! Call 1.888.798.4442 to learn more!

Isn't It A Little Early In The Week For A UAG?

Yes.

Unfortunate Free Font Of The Year

Coming Soon: The Soft Nougat Of Montelimar

Towering over the crumbled wasteland of processed snacks and inorganic foodstuffs stands the noble, the mighty, the golden Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

[Play this music while reading on]



O Grandiloquent,
O Vaunted,
O Most High Soft Nougat

Upon The Bounteous Peaks of Montelimar
Ye Standeth as a Clarion Beacon
Bearing witness to the mortal struggles of the lowly chemical snacks
The foul, superficial brittleness of the crisp
The vulgar impurity of the milk chocolate
The base, waxy peanuttiness of the peanut butter wafer
All lie as mere dirt between the toes of servants to the Most Pure Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

With Honey of Lavendar
And Misspelled Glucose Syrop
Thy bounty showers forth in a Vanilla Aroma most Natural

Sending forth the sensations of taste in a combination unseen heretofore!
Laying to waste and dust generations of inferior apéritifs!

IT IS A PRODUCT OF FRANCE.

Bow before the Nougat, unworthy Pringle!
Bow before the Nougat, undeserving Chiclet!
Bow before your Master, Bite-Sized Pretzel!
Bow before your King, all ye inferior snacks, both salty and sweet!

BOW BEFORE THE EXALTED, THE MOST HIGH SOFT NOUGAT OF MONTELIMAR!



Available at Whole Foods and some GNCs. May contain eggs.

Sublime Nonsense #2

Larry K sez: "With the fates of the Mets and Phillies likely to be decided this weekend, I figured I'd get this to you now to keep it timely."

Click to enlarge:


Larry has just doubled his output.