New Stupid Segment: Unintentional Ninja Turtles

Cowabunga, dude!

"The Road To Pathmark And The Road To Failure Are Almost Exactly The Same."

New EADJ Segment: Mister Salty Speaks

In an effort to bring fresh thinking into this tired, unfunny blog, occasionally we'll test drive a new segment to see if it sticks. Here's a new one: MISTER SALTY SPEAKS:

He's a sailor. He's salty. Why wouldn't he speak this way?

Here Are Your Timesheets For January 2018

Hello fellow co-workers. This is Gail from HR, reminding all of you that timesheets are due by the end of today or else we won't be able to bill our client on time and then get paid on time. This is of utmost importance.

And since I have you here, it is also of utmost importance that behavior and conversation in the kitchen comply with our company's clear HR guidelines. Since so many of you have been guilty of this for the past 31 days or so, I have assigned job numbers to them:

-----------------------------------

240024: Weighing Marg's admittedly spectacular breasts with your hands

910447: Using the kitchen cake server to measure your dick

083495: Explaining the meaning of "American thighs" from AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"

657221: Loudly bragging about how long you "edge" at the strip club

992344: Posting your Slave Leia cosplay photos on the fridge

710299: Coming

032415: Playing "Fuck/Marry/Kill" with the Supreme Court justices

882836: Describing all the filthy things you'd do to the new intern to the other intern, who you don't realize happens to be her boyfriend

632830: Twirling your pasties

353581: Adjusting your balls before touching all the breakfast muffins (I'm looking at you, Louis)

593955: Defending Quentin Tarantino's defense of Roman Polanski

400912: Using the word "dongle" in an unprofessional way

810046: Describing in graphic detail where to take this job and shove it

Lyrics! (Not the Gay Bar)

EADJ guest writer Andrew Gall has noticed that rapper Ghostface Killah waxes poetic about more than just rims and ice. Here he has compiled Ghostface's most notable rap subjects.


On sleeping late every day:
“Get up. Think of an invention. Invent a new toilet bowl or something…"

On how to dress:
“Don’t be trying to be rainbow man…”

On jewelry:
“Don’t buy jewelry from the back of The Source…”

On taking a shower:
“Wash your face, then your nuts. Don’t wash your nuts, then your face…”

On brushing your teeth:
“Brush your tongue. That’s where all the old food lies. Brush that shit ‘til it bleeds…”

Figure 4.2: All Films Reviewed So Far on the EADJ Crappinema And Their Relative Awfulness To One Another

(click image to enlarge)

Thank You For Coming To Loews

(pictured above, someone sat too close in "Cloverfield")

Dick, Joel. Joel, Dick.

Well, Joel is back from his amazing 4-day vacation, all tanned and ready to eat California dick again. The Florida Keys dick was spicier but more musky– with sort of a game-y aftertaste. Goes well with stout. Especially if you thread a few pineapple slices on the tip. Mmm Mmmm, dick!

Joel came back sporting some pukka shells 'round his neck. Each shell represents a different dick that he ate. The dark shells were... WELL, YOU KNOW! LOL!!!!!

But in all seriousness, Joel learned something on his little sojourn. That no matter where you go to eat dick, there's nothing quite like the taste of down home cock and balls to make you feel right again. Salut!

(pictured above, Lauren Fontinel shows how much she's matured since her baby photo)