Dunder Mifflin Be Hustlin'

Spotted on FB, Kevin and Angela peddle graph paper. GRAPH PAPER.

So I can only imagine now that there are architects, scientists, and math teachers who not only need graph paper but are familiar with "The Office". There's probably a Venn diagram I could make about it. Too bad it doesn't require GRAPH PAPER.

UAG

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Sure, Lil' Wayne, if your last name is Carter, go ahead and associate yourself with a lackluster Disney movie. At least Jay-Z passed on this cover.

Hey, you missed three of the candles, Ya Boy. Trappy Birthday, anyway (I make it a point to avoid listening to any mixtapes that include the word "trap" in it).

Gucci Mane and Rocko wonder where the hell AAA is when they said they'd send someone over in 20 minutes. I mean, this is a dangerous neighborhood.

There's nothing Presidential about being afraid of dandelions.

A shrink ray has rendered five popular rappers unable to play a decent game of b-ball, so there's nothing left to do but sit glumly on the now-enormous basketballs and enjoy some fireworks.

1) If your girlfriend enters your number as 'BOYFRIEND' in her cell phone, she probably doesn't think that much of you.

2) Three guys' names on top of "MUSIC WE CAN FUCK TO" sounds like they're either ready for a gang bang or are speaking to each other. Knock yourselves out, fellas.

3) When the word "FUCK" is in the title of the mixtape, I'm pretty sure the Parental Advisory sticker is unnecessary. But people these days bring babies to a midnight movie, so who knows.

Shining A New Light

The National Council of Booklight Manufacturers convened in Los Palmas this week to announce the introduce their long-awaited Dicklight.

Joel, of course, was on hand for the press conference, as well as model/actress/tits Katie "Jordan" Price, Vida Guerra, Keeley Hazell, and Tera Patrick. Joel demonstrated how the Dicklight easily clips on a penis, making dick-eating in the dark easier and less awkward.

The Council opened the floor for questioning, and some snarky reporter from U.S. News Weekly News & World Report asked Joel if he might accidentally eat the light. Everyone had a good laugh, but then one of Tera Patrick's boobs fell out, and the whole room got awkward.

(pictured above, an intolerable ad directed at intolerable women)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Tongue

Thursday is typically a difficult day of the week for Joel. It usually involves waking up in the drunk tank at the police station, getting the dick(s) out of your mouth and finding a way to get to work– just in time– at the quarry.

(The quarry, you say? Yes, it's true. Joel has landed a full-time, steady job at the Lamisil quarry in Modesto. There he works with 4 different quarry teams, or "rock squads," who mine precious Lamisil from the quarry every day.)

Today, however, Joel didn't make it to the quarry on time and was reprimanded. The foreman didn't even let Joel touch his dick. He just bitched him out in his trailer and sent him home early. Joel was understandably crestfallen and hungry.

It's times like this that Joel is glad to have bought that chest freezer in the garage. Emergency dick storage is something he learned in home ec.

(pictured above, Lauren F gets a black tongue from either drinking too much Pepto Bismol or blowing a squid.)

UPDATE: Mystery solved!