UAG

Yet More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Wanna have a lucrative and long-lasting career in the porn industry? Well, first you're going to need a memorable alias– aka a new porn name. Most of the good ones are taken, but we scrounged up a few that were lying around because they're terrible, but help yourself:

HER:

Alopecia

Crotchtina Vibram

B. Donna Bratt

Amber Crombie & Fist

Jill Dough

HIM:

Helmut Polisher

Halal Kabobs

Hamster Dan

Otto Correct

Kidd Proquo

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain Double Encryption

"*Ack*... That's a great question, EADJ... *ahhh* Multiple encryption–also known as cascade encryption– is the process.... *ACK!* ...of encrypting an already... (gags) encrypted digital message one or ... (muffled) more times, either... huff... huff...using the (choke) same or a different... OWW!.. algorithm... *FUCK I CAN'T BREATHE* Here's how it works... (goes limp and dies)

Burning Questions

1) Who is Big "D?"

2) Is Big "D" a company or a man?

3) If it is a man, why does he go by "Big D," rather than the nice name like Douglas or Donovan that his mother gave him?

4) Is he big like muscular, or fat?

5) Is Big D not a U.S. citizen, or was that part of the sign redundant?

6) If he is not a U.S. citizen, is Big D's healthcare paid for fully, in case he gets sick or in an accident?

7) Does Big D look down on the USA for not adopting truly universal healthcare, like other First World countries?

8) What time is his break?

9) Is there a "Missus D?" If not, why hasn't Big D found the right woman yet? Or is he gay?

10) If he is gay, does Big D resent or appreciate all the big dick jokes he gets all the time at bars?

11) Why doesn't Donovan call his mother once in a while instead of frequenting gay bars every night?

A Burning Question Answered

"Will the entries from the EADJ DVD Freestyle segment be recorded in the EADJ Crappinuum, which historically has been reserved for EADJ Crappinema entries?"

"No."

Lobsterfest® Happens In The Most Unlikely Places

This entry has been written after 6, SIX glasses of red wine.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is what you want, when you want it, with what you want: primarily lobster meat and sometimes imitation crab meat mixed in because fuck it– how are you going to find out? Here now are some new service styles that we're preparing for you this week:

• John Abbett Thompson graduates from technical college with a degree in electrical engineering, which now helps him land a very good job with a contracting firm in southwest Arkansas and finally allow him to provide his wife and kids with the stability and income that they long for. Now that's a wacky-ass way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We roll lobster meat into "lobster turds." We load the turds onto a cribbage board and walk around the restaurant, asking anyone if they're interested in "playing cribbage." Only nerds and very old men will want to play, so they get awarded with a mouthful of turds. Jumping fuck, if that isn't one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We rent a baby hippo and feed it a ton of lobster meat (literally). We then let it roam the restaurant, making its loud hippo noise and knocking shit over like the adorable pup it is. When it comes to your table to beg for lobster meat, you better feed that bad boy, because if you refuse, we'll unleash its mother, and hippos have been known to bite a man to death to protect their young. Seriously. Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Yes sir!

• Four crates are loaded with lobster and are placed on a large lazy Susan. Each crate is numbered 6 to 9. A man dressed as American writer Mark Twain walks in and tells some witty, heartwarming stories about growing up in the South and the racial divide. When he is finished, everyone applauds and some servers take away the four crates without explanation. Red Lobster would like you to know that that is Lobsterfest® happening right there.

• Peter Berg, the director of the summer movie "Battleship," is asked to come "direct" a night of Lobsterfest® at the restaurant of his choosing. Peter Berg, somewhat confused but always game, picks our location in Pasadena and transforms the grounds into a gigantic (and woefully inaccurate) Spanish galleon– that has nothing to do with lobster and nothing to do with our brand. When someone questions him about his choices on this matter, he points at the $65 million domestic box office results for "Battleship." We shut up and give him free rein. Hey, it's Peter Berg.

• We invite children to make snowmen out of our frozen lobster meat. Their parents are furious when the children stink up the interior of their vehicles with the disgusting permanent stench of substandard lobster. Meanwhile, look at these cool snowmen! Happy holidays from Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Oh, The Indignity

Pictured above, J'Net tries to maintain her poise while waiting in the bathroom line at an "all ages" show.

(The girls behind her half-vomited on herself and is looking for a napkin to wipe a gigantic snot, and the girls horsing around in front of her probably didn't have to pee all that badly.)

Mailwar: A First Shot is Fired

I got a strange package in the mail the other week. Since I order crap from ThinkGeek and Bloodshot Records occasionally, I didn't think of it.


But then I opened it. Did I order a watch?


Pens? I didn't...what the?!


Son of a bitch.

Description:
"This smooth-writing, retractable plastic pen features contemporary styling, with a metallic burgundy barrel accented by silver tip and clip top. The silver imprint features Laura's name and autograph, her official website, as well as the legacy phrase. An inexpensive pen for daily use, or to have on hand to pass out to friends or to pique someone's interest in Laura! Medium point, black ink."




I know exactly who sent this to me. MIG PONCE. Some of you who went to my bachelor party know of his legend. There are even quite a few people who know his name but are convinced that he doesn't even exist.


Well, this will NOT STAND. I must retaliate. Luckily, Mig left a RETURN ADDRESS! I will mail him something stupid very soon. I'll keep you posted as to whether the package will be Laura Branigan-related or not. I already have some ideas.

Let's Cinch Open the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured, a photo accompanying an email from Lauren Fontinel who writes "Is this David Estoye???")