Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the Plott Hound/Doberman mix

Me: the Bernese Mountain Dog (although I hate hiking!)

Hey dude. You were running around with the zoomies and almost spilled my cocktail. What gives, jerk?

You: the energetic Akita

Me: the not so massive Mastiff

Hello, beautiful! We had a moment over by the poop bag trash can. I never caught your name. Call me?

You: the Scottish Deerhound with the tennis ball

Me: the Border Collie who had to pee a lot

You gave me some serious hump me vibes on Tuesday. I think we can turn this into a litter, no?

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Cut a Mango

1. Slice each side just past the seed, about a ¼ inch from the center.

2. Slice flesh without breaking the skin.

3. Scoop out slices with a large spoon and enjoy!

And speaking of breaking the skin, I once had a fare get stabbed while waiting for me to take him to a Tesla concert in 1989. I offered to take him to the hospital, but he wanted to go to the show. Some people are crazy fans!

Be safe, kids!

We Ask Three Girls Named "Oola" What They Think of Their Name

 Editor's note: Oola is German girl's name and meaning of this name is "A Red Lizard".

"I like my name, I guess. I mean, what else would I be called? Do I look like a Diana?" -Oola Schneider

"How'd you get this number? Did my sister send you? Because you tell that bitch I will END her if she interferes with my marriage. Helmut is MINE!" - Oola Richter

"I like my name. Other kids like it, too. Only one boy ever made fun of it, and he's floating in the East River now. Sup" - Oola König

The Latest Releases On The Documentary Channel

The Documentary Channel continues to offer the most compelling, most entertaining documentaries this side of factual news. And here are the latest documentaries you can bookmark but end up watching CSI reruns again:

"No: The Insurance Claim Adjusters Story"

"Michael Bay's Enactment of The Granada Invasion"

"WHA? Dumb People Ask How Basic Things Work"

"The History of Your Mother Jokes, As Presented By Your Mom"

"Jesus's Disciples: Why Only One Of Them Talked to the Paparazzi"

"DMX in the DMZ with TMZ"

"The History of Spaghetti: You Must Really Be Bored Tonight, Huh"

"I Don't Believe You Baby: The Most Underrated Line in 'Dirty Dancing'"

UAG

UAG

Dick, Joel. Joel, Dick.

Well, Joel is back from his amazing 4-day vacation, all tanned and ready to eat California dick again. The Florida Keys dick was spicier but more musky– with sort of a game-y aftertaste. Goes well with stout. Especially if you thread a few pineapple slices on the tip. Mmm Mmmm, dick!

Joel came back sporting some pukka shells 'round his neck. Each shell represents a different dick that he ate. The dark shells were... WELL, YOU KNOW! LOL!!!!!

But in all seriousness, Joel learned something on his little sojourn. That no matter where you go to eat dick, there's nothing quite like the taste of down home cock and balls to make you feel right again. Salut!

(pictured above, Lauren Fontinel shows how much she's matured since her baby photo)

***Planner Ghetto Update***

After consulting with expert trackers and Navy Seal recon teams, EADJ has found way to navigate around the planners' obstacles and successfully reach the bathroom. This particular maneuver is called "Threading the Needle."

COMING MONDAY: An actual video of Jessica Foster demonstrating "Threading the Needle."

Guest Writer Appearance for Today: CANCELLED

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Larry Liss.)

Actually, no.

Larry would have written something about Joel eating dick here, but apparently he was too busy. It would have been funny and poignant and a clever analogy to how life is in these mean streets. You probably would have read it twice, wept, then copy-and-pasted the entry to send to your estranged parents, because it touched you in some profound way.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Dingdang!

(pictured above, a building-wide search turns desperate, and more people volunteer to track down the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson)

***UPDATE!!!!!*** There's a break in the manhunt, as the real Scott Peterson's assistant Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) spots the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson in the elevators this very morning! Stay tuned to EADJ for the latest in this developing story.