Alternate Opening Lyrics to Lisa Loeb's 1994 Song "Stay (I Missed You)"

EADJ recently gained access to Lisa Loeb's old notebooks and discovered that her 1994 runaway hit "Stay (I Missed You)" had quite a few alternate opening lines instead of

♪ You say / I only hear what I want to ♪

The song itself is an emotional post-mortem to a break-up and hints at the main character admitting she wasn't a great partner/roommate and perhaps wanting to move back in with them.

Here now are some of those alternates:

♪ You say / I ate all of your Cheetos ♪

♪ You say / I leave pubes in the shower ♪

♪ You say / I pay rent with Chuck E Cheese tokens ♪

♪ You say / I blocked your car in on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I gave you chlamydia ♪

♪ You say / I sold your VCR for some uppers ♪

♪ You say / I fart in your gym bag on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I never flush when we have guests ♪

♪ You say / I erase your answering machine messages on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I stole the batteries from the remote for my shaver ♪

A Few Words on "Dream Words"

Well, I call them "dream words" because I don't know what else they're called. But they're any household object that has an inspirational, generic word like "HOPE" or "FRIENDS" or "HEART" or whatever. The intent is to decorate your home with these tchotchkes in order to literally fill the house with love. The actual result is that you've made your home 500% more irritating.


Cuz let's break this shit down for what it is– it's basically aspirational in nature. Someone is littering their house with this in order to remind loved ones that this is a "house of love." And all in a very passive aggressive way, with a paperweight that says "HONOR" or a hallway plaque that says "SHARE." It's really the decorating equivalent of leaving naggy, needy Post-Its everywhere.


Now, I understand if you're a 14-year old girl, this type of stuff is fun and goofy. So a pink alarm clock that says "TIME FOR FUN!" on it is pretty standard for that age. But when 50-year old women strew heart-shaped rocks with the word "HOPE" on it in their gardens, it reeks of tackiness and fart moustaches.



A far darker possibility for having these around is that they are somehow substitutes for actual familial affection. Or that they're for people who have grown old and don't have anyone around anymore. Possibilities that are too sad to even begin joking about on this blog. I mean, we just wrote "fart moustaches" earlier, for crying out loud.


So old biddies and chicks with no taste are welcome to continue buying these horrible things at Hallmark Stores, Bed Bath & Beyonds, and Cracker Barrels. And I will continue smashing them in their homes and blaming it on their cats.

Dick, Joel. Joel, Dick.

Well, Joel is back from his amazing 4-day vacation, all tanned and ready to eat California dick again. The Florida Keys dick was spicier but more musky– with sort of a game-y aftertaste. Goes well with stout. Especially if you thread a few pineapple slices on the tip. Mmm Mmmm, dick!

Joel came back sporting some pukka shells 'round his neck. Each shell represents a different dick that he ate. The dark shells were... WELL, YOU KNOW! LOL!!!!!

But in all seriousness, Joel learned something on his little sojourn. That no matter where you go to eat dick, there's nothing quite like the taste of down home cock and balls to make you feel right again. Salut!

(pictured above, Lauren Fontinel shows how much she's matured since her baby photo)