Slow Down, Lacey Chabert

I happened to Google "Lacey Chabert" and "Christmas" to see how many Hallmark Christmas movies she's in, and holy shit, I had no idea she was in at least TWELVE.

Jesus, Lacey, slow your roll. Leave some of the Christmas movies for other...

... What the hell? There's more?! How can you...

...OKAY, OKAY! You win, Lacey Chabert! You're the new Queen of Christmas. JEEZ.

Another Incomplete List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous Ariana Grande segments here.

You've probably noticed by now that Ariana Grande is cute. That's because everything Ariana Grande says, sings, does or bats her eyelashes at are to let you know that she is cute. But here we at EADJ would like to suggest that there a few things that are actually cuter than Ms. Grande.

• Ponies with ponytails

• Orphanage gas leaks

• The way old men stammer when outwitted

• Terrible balloon animals

• Jello shots that don't make it into your mouth

• Snails wearing bibs

• Yoda holding Baby Yoda

• Dynasty reruns on mute

EADJ Tries To Justify The Odd Group Photos In Halloween Costume Ads

This is more of a writing exercise than anything.

Tony Stark attempts to rescue Pepper Potts' 6 year old niece (who happens to be a toddler pageant champion) from the clutches of a Captain D's employee and a Goth mom who runs a Devil Dogs franchise.

An untested time-traveling teleportation device goes haywire and tragically transforms a 17th Century pirate, an LAPD officer, a Salem Witch and the Devil himself into sexy Latina strippers.

An employee from Universal Pictures (dressed as a Minion) infiltrates a Disney franchise convention between Pixar, Lucasfilm and Disney Animation Studios to steal their trade secrets. Unfortunately, he is discovered and force-choked by overweight security guards.

Good Lord. A group of patriotic (but ill-informed) sorority girls arm themselves with all sorts of shields but end up pregnant anyway.

UAG

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Tongue

Thursday is typically a difficult day of the week for Joel. It usually involves waking up in the drunk tank at the police station, getting the dick(s) out of your mouth and finding a way to get to work– just in time– at the quarry.

(The quarry, you say? Yes, it's true. Joel has landed a full-time, steady job at the Lamisil quarry in Modesto. There he works with 4 different quarry teams, or "rock squads," who mine precious Lamisil from the quarry every day.)

Today, however, Joel didn't make it to the quarry on time and was reprimanded. The foreman didn't even let Joel touch his dick. He just bitched him out in his trailer and sent him home early. Joel was understandably crestfallen and hungry.

It's times like this that Joel is glad to have bought that chest freezer in the garage. Emergency dick storage is something he learned in home ec.

(pictured above, Lauren F gets a black tongue from either drinking too much Pepto Bismol or blowing a squid.)

UPDATE: Mystery solved!

If it pees, eat it.

The following are questions from a psychological test that Joel took while applying for a job at Jack In the Box:

YES/NO Do you feel sad or depressed?
YES/NO Feel easily tired or distracted?
YES/NO Do I make you horny?
YES/NO Do you have tense muscles or problems sleeping?
YES/NO Do you ever think about eating dick?
YES/NO Admit it. You do think about eating dick, right?
YES/NO Joel. We're talking to you.
YES/NO Joel.
YES/NO Fine. Don't answer.
YES/NO Do you ever feel exhausted after eating dick?
YES/NO Do you think that maybe you might be eating too much dick?
YES/NO It's not that we're judging you or anything. Maybe you should just cut back a little.
YES/NO Do you feel worthless or guilty?
YES/NO Do you feel angry?
YES/NO Do you sometimes get so angry that you want to garrotte that goddamn receptionist's neck?
YES/NO Do you ever want to hurt yourself?
YES/NO Do you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself?
YES/NO Can we hurt you?
YES/NO Please?
YES/NO Would you like to hurt us?
YES/NO Hey, where are you going?
YES/NO
YES/NO
YES/NO Asshole.

(pictured above, a spectacular display of swooping, organic lines surrounding a sucking, cavernous venue, and a stage)