"You've Got Great Taste"

An ad spotted on Facebook:

Uh, thanks Wayfair? But I don't think this goes with my decor, which is more Eggplant Gothic.

Six Lies Told By the Pocono Candle Brochure

1) Their "Man Cave" isn't really a cave. It's just a room filled with action figures, video games, sports paraphernalia, pornography, a mini-fridge filled with import beer and a staggering library of scifi Blu-ray DVDs.

2) The only businesses on this "business route" are prostitution and the illicit sale of wine in jars.

3) "Double scented" means it smells like ass and Macintosh Apple.

4) It turns someone named "Lowest Prices" never said this. "Lowest Prices" would say something like "lowest prices."

5) That QR code actually points you here.

6) The map is wrong. Instead of to New Jersey, Route 80 South will take you into the darkest depths of Mordor, where you'll meet a girl so fair. But Gollum, and the evil one will creep up and slip away with her, her, her…

_________________

EADJ is happy to announce the Six Lies After School Program, a community-based initiative that focuses on teenage athletics and abstinence from sex until you're 40. Dubbed "6LAS," this tubular peer counseling program tells young people it's okay to not stick the thingy in the woo-woo. 6LAS will launch the "OK 2 W8" program in September this year to coincide with Back To School.

Six Lies Told By The Falun Gong Brochure

Let me start by saying we are calling this brochure a liar, not the members of the Falun Gong movement. We at EADJ understand the political struggle that its practitioners experience in China, and this entry in no way condones their horrific treatment by the Chinese or Falun Gong's founder Li Hongzhi's controversial views on homosexuality. This is simply a stupid entry by a blog mainly devoted to the consuming of penis by my friend Joel. So, hold your outrage, both of you readers.

1) Forbearance wasn't originally one of Falun Gong's precepts; the original third one was "hoes."

2) Although heavily promoted as such, not every Falun Gong member will receive a Land's End crew neck sweater.

3) "No membership or initiation, no rituals or obligations." Other than BE YOURSELF and HAVE FUN!!!!!!

4) Falun Gong is a nonviolent, peaceful practice, although some members occasionally start fights at the beach with a "You want some a' this?" pose.

5) If you Google Image search "Asian woman" and "Penetrating the Two Extremes," you're not likely to see this photo.

6) This QR Code actually takes you to the Flash game QWOP. Which is awesome.

The Six Lies Told Type Foundry is proud to announce the "Six Lies Told" font, an illegible, shitty throwback to 90's grunge fonts. Use it on your NO FEAR bumper stickers, your Godsmack web ring logo on Geocities, or Rolling Stone print ads for Motorola pagers.

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, Gary. Lean forward a little bit and let Hannah rest her head on your shoulder... yes, like that. There."

"I got a question, Quentin."

"Yes, Gary?"

"What will this be used for?"

"Try not to move, Gary. Um, this photo will be a used as stock photography. Hannah dear, try turning your head to the left more. Your left..."

"Stock photography? I thought this was for something specific."

"Nope. The contract says 'general use,' which means these shots we're taking will be offered for whatever a paying client would like to use them for."

"What about a model release? Don't they need my permission to use the photos?"

"That was part of your contract with me. You and Hannah have already signed over model rights for these shots. That was what you signed before I cut the checks."

"Quentin? My neck is starting to hurt."

"Sorry, Hannah. Lean back a little more, but keep your eyes where they are."

"Wait. So that means they could use this photo of me and Hannah for anything, like an NRA ad or a brochure for herpes? Or God forbid, for target shooting practice for a hate group?"

"Um, hate groups don't usually use stock photography, I don't think."

"But you're saying we have no control over what these photos will be used for."

"Right. But you cashed your check already, right?"

"Yes, but..."

click!

||| The |||||| |||||||| Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster ||||| Until ||||| |||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||||

Lobsterfest has become less of a temporary promotion and more of a cultural phenomenon. People refuse to leave the restaurant grounds, often setting up camp in the grassy island in the parking lot and tanning the hides of deer that they've hunted on the highway. To not anger them any further, we have decided to announce all new ways for them to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Here are the latest:



• We literally soak everyone in butter in a special tub at the entrance in advance. Then when they eat lobster at their table, they don't have to dip their meat into any pesky butter dishes. The butter soaking their clothes will also act as a constant reminder that they are welcome to come back anytime to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ At Red Lobster. Which we hope the fuck works.

• Lobster bibs? No, we are talking lobster mumus! And wheelbarrows full of lobster! And a punchbowl full of macaroons! What diet, bitch? That's a totally valid way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. DON'T JUDGE ME.

• Okay, bear with me now, but what if we *didn't* serve lobster? What if instead of lobster we served hummus and pita bread, with a large pan of delicious crudité made from bell peppers, carrot sticks, and broccoli? I know it sounds crazy, but goddamn, that would be tasty, cause Carla and I are really sick of eating lobster. Please, just this once can we enjoy something else for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We boil our lobsters in basins shaped like your head, so it looks like your ideas are boiling over! All your friends will compliment you on your fertile imagination and girls will stop looking at you like you just raped their grandma. Now that there there is one heckuva way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster!

• We name four of our lobsters Ringo, John, Paul, and George. We dress them in those colorful Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms and lower them slowly into boiling water, right when they start on "Lovely Rita" on the second side of the album, which for my money is the worst song on there, anyway. Is that really another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster? No.

• ¿Bien, el oso conmigo ahora, pero lo que si nosotros *hizo no* sirve langosta? ¿Qué si en vez de langosta nosotros servimos paté de garbanzos y pita pan, con una cacerola grande de crudité delicioso hizo de pimientos, de palos de zanahoria, y del brécol? Sé que suena loco, pero maldito, eso sería sabroso, la causa Carla y yo están realmente enfermos de comer langosta. ¿Por favor, podemos esta vez nada más nosotros disfrutamos de algo más para Lobsterfest® en Langosta Roja?

• How 'bout I get a two by four and whoop some serious ass up in this motherfucker. How 'bout that shit. Another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

Barbara Walters Interviews Broccoli Farts

The following is a transcript of an interview Barbara Walters had earlier this year with Broccoli Farts, courtesy of "20/20:"

Barbara Walters: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. I know you're busy.

Broccoli Farts: My pleasure.


Barbara Walters: I understand that you are the gastrointestinal result of eating either raw or cooked broccoli– is that correct?

Broccoli Farts: Yes. It doesn't really matter what state the broccoli is in when you eat it. I'm there either way, although some will still tell you that I am more intense after a meal of raw broccoli, like in a salad. And even though I've gotten a lot of media coverage lately, I just wanted to say that I've been around for a long time before all this hype.

Barbara Walters: Hm.

Broccoli Farts: BRAAAAAAAPPPP!

Barbara Walters: So was that cooked?

Broccoli Farts: I forget. I think so.



Barbara Walters: Tell me about your home life. Is there a Mrs. Broccoli Farts?

Broccoli Farts: No, not yet. (laughs) I'm still trying to find the right girl. I mean, obviously in my line of work, it's pretty hard to meet someone. No, I have two male roommates in a 2-bedroom apartment. Josh and I each have a bedroom, and Yamir sleeps on a futon over by the television in the main room.

Barbara Walters: Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: BBBBRRAAAHHHHHRRRFFFF! I'm sorry, excuse me?

Barbara Walters: Your roommate Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: Yes, he's from India. He's an exchange student, going to the School of Visual Arts for graphic design, I believe.

Barbara Walters: You have been called a "rebel," a "rapscallion," and "someone I don't want around my dinner table." How do you respond to those charges?

Broccoli Farts: Everyone's entitled to their opinion of me. The fact is, I'm there whether you want me there or not. I'll loudly enter a room mid-story, or I can quietly sneak in if someone leans to the side in their chair. I have my ways of showing up, regardless how high-falutin the occasion is. (smiles)

Barbara Walters: It strikes me that you're so much more pleasant than people make you out to be.

Broccoli Farts: I don't know about that, Barbara. Maybe you're just catching me on a good day! There have been times that I've caused headaches, nausea and even the occasional botched bris.

Barbara Walters: Bris? As in the circumcision ceremony?



Broccoli Farts: FRRRRAHHHHRRRRAHHHHBBAAARRAAAAAHHHH! See? That was a bad one.


Barbara Walters: Thank you for talking to us, Broccoli Farts.

That Mirror Returns

I was watching the independent movie "Catfish," when I came across a familiar looking mirror:


Now, this looked pretty similar to a crappy clock mirror that I found in my new house, and at a sushi place near my parent's house.


Not to mention a crappy mirror I spotted in the movie "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans."


What does it all mean? Is it some odd coincidence that I've noticed this mirror so many times? Is it some cosmic joke the universe is playing on me? Is that mirror somehow following me after I had thrown it away? Shit if I know, man. That mirror's still ugly, whatever the answer is.