25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 25: "Christmas Around The Corner"

Some Hallmark movies are less movies than they are fantasy checklists. This one fulfilled the fantasies of:

☑ spending Christmas in a small town

☑ dating a rugged, emotionally distant man

☑ running a small business without the financial pressure of failing

☑ getting to decorate shit without having to take it down later

☑ being associated with books without having to read

☑ bossing people around

☑ being hailed as some goddamn hero for saving Christmas

And there are two country/city stereotypes at play here: the snobby, rude urbanite who's out of touch with people's feelings and likes to boss them around; and the pleasant but slow-witted small town bumpkins who need a savior to whip their shit into shape. And somehow they all magically become friends and toast egg nog to each other's health.

The last two movies we reviewed were pretty darn enjoyable, and I was starting to get worried that I'd end on a high note. But "Christmas Around The Corner" brought the overall average back down to reindeer turd-level. Whew!

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 8 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:26

Merry Christmas, everyone!

From a Dumb Commercial

EDITOR'S NOTE: The reason that I'm posting this now is that I no longer work at the ad agency that created this commercial.

"Hello, Enterprise Rent-A-Car? Can you pick me up? I'm at a repair shop. And I know this because there's this gigantic sign saying REPAIR SHOP inside the shop, almost in the mechanic's way. Why do they have such a big, obvious sign?"

"Hello, hysterical woman. Yes, I personally will pick you up. My name's Brad. I've got a waterbed at my apartment."

"So you just came here to fuck me?"

"Good God, that is a huge fucking sign."

And Now Is The Time That We Should Discuss "Sharknado."

Some real stinkers of movies were being shopped at Cannes this year, the most notable being The Asylum's "Sharknado," which pretty much doesn't need any description or plot summary. Just look at it.

In fact, their marketing department thought "Enough said!" summed it all up nicely. We disagree. Here now are some free-of-charge alternate taglines for "Sharknado:"

And by the way, we cannot review this excellent movie on the EADJ Crappinema because we already covered a Tara Reid movie, "Vipers," and the Crappinema Prime Directive forbids us from repeating ourselves.

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, now look into the camera with some intensity... that's it. More intense, like this is all about the rugged outdoors, with danger, disaster and the triumph of sheer will-power... Nice, that's better! But don't look angry now, I want you to be intense but not resentful. Just a slow, intense burn.

"Now, don't arch your brow too much, because that makes you look quizzical– and you're not. You know exactly what you're doing. This is all about control, and you are the boss in this situation. You are the chieftain. The alpha male. That's better! Yes! YES! That is a PERFECT LOOK for this shot. You look absolutely fierce and dangerous now!... Oh and you holding the fish, you look good, too."

Adriana Lima Is STILL Unimpressed

Brazilian Victoria's Secret supermodel Adriana Lima is one of the highest earning models in the industry (worth $6 million according to Forbes) and has seen it all. So naturally, she is rarely impressed by anything. So the quest to impress Adriana continues...


Here's a crazy motorcycle stunt by some young people in Iran:




Adriana saw what you did there, and acknowledges that it is probably a very risky maneuver. Still, with enough free time, anyone could probably pull that off. Adriana has been to the Naqshe Jahan square in Isfahan to admire the 16th Century Iranian architecture. Have you?


Jaime Luis Gómez, better known as Taboo from the rap group Black Eyed Peas, will be starring as the character Vega in the feature film adaptation of the video game "Street Fighter" this summer, also starring Chris Klein, Kristin Kreuk, Michael Clarke Duncan and Neal McDonough.


Well, number one, Black Eyed Peas. And number two, Street Fighter, a second movie adaptation? God, Adriana Lima is so bored. Is there a bottle of mineral water in this suite?


Apple announced in February the release of the new lighter, thinner, 17-inch MacBook Pro, boasting great graphics, a stunning display and a very long battery life, as well as a solid aluminum unibody design.


Adriana sometimes checks her emails from Rodrigo, her stylist from São Paolo. He sends fairly amusing photos of cats with captions. But computers aren't really her thing. Do they make computers that you can wear?


Gisele Bündchen is a Brazilian supermodel and the highest earning model working today, according to Forbes. She has been the face of Christian Dior, Balenciaga, Mervyn's, Dolce & Gabbana, Missoni, Versace, Céline (brand), Givenchy, Bvlgari, Lanvin, Guerlain, Valentino, Ralph Lauren, Earl Jean, Zara, Chloé, Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton and Victoria's Secret, having earned an estimated $33 million in 2007 and $35 million in 2008 alone.

Let's shave the area just above and around the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted by Vince Soliven, an impostor who looks frighteningly like Joel would have, had he starred in Risky Business)