New Projects At Kickstarter!

Kickstarter has helped hundreds of unique, innovative products that simply needed funding to get off the ground. Here are this week's newest crowdfunding projects:

• genetically modified oranges with mouths that recite words that spell with "orange"

• Finally, an organic, vegan, 100% recycled, sustainable, allergen-free, kid-and-pet-friendly, American-manufactured, non-toxic, easy-to-install, small-batch-produced, customizable, biodegradable, easy to carry, uh... what were we talking about?

• 100% STEEL PRETZELS

• A workout device that looks like a Thighmaster and works like a Thighmaster but is totally not a Thighmaster

• Weighted blankets! Oh, they make those already? Shit.

• A spatula/sexual device that's easy to clean between uses

• 3D printer that print giant, dimensional Powerpoint slides for a real WOW factor during presentations

• Soy-based anger

• Special water-based paint on puppies' fur so that they can advertise your shitty business with QR codes

• Multi-frequency Angela detector that can find the nearest Angela in your area

UAG

Finally, A Worthy Addition To the Blackberry Face Collection

It's been over a year now since the last addition has been made to The Blackberry Face exhibit, and even though multiple potential candidates have been presented, none has earned a place in this renowned art project. Until today.

Eat A Dick Joel, in conjunction with the Greta Meert Foundation and the Brussels Foire des Antiquaires are pleased to unleash a ninth worthy addition to the vaunted Blackberry Face collection.

Here now for the first time is "Margaret:"

Yes, "Margaret" is holding a mobile device and has the requisite "sturgeon mouth" that the previous eight entries display, but what sets "Margaret" apart from her predecessors is her fanciful steampunk top hat with a peacock feather sticking out of the brim. Unexpected and absolutely exquisite.

Shortly after the photo was taken on the 23rd Street R subway line, some gallery experts reviewed the latest submission and unanimously approved it. "Margaret" joins the eight other Blackberry Faces to create a stunning 9-piece polyptych.

Click to enlarge

Curators have been quick to point out that "Margaret" has unusual dimensions because the peacock feather was required in the shot as well as the mobile device. She now takes up 2 of the spaces that the others occupy.

This new exhibit will be on display at the Museet for samtidskunst (Norwegian Museum of Contemporary Art) in Oslo starting March 16. Tickets will be 20 kr for general audience and 10 kr for members. Please, no selfie sticks or children's "roller" shoes.

:C

An Imagined Conversation

"I still think there's somebody prowling in our yard, honey. You did call the police, right?"

"The police? No."

"Why not?! I thought you said you called the authorities."

"No, I said I called El Toro-Tees. They're on their way with collectible ceramic plates, NYPD souvenir T-shirts and small statues of the Freedom Tower."

"Oh thank Jesus!"

Still Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what William, attendant at the T-Shirt Paradise stand in the Terre Haute Shopping Center in Terre Haute, Indiana did while working on January 11, 2014:

• invented a delicious new dessert involving frozen yogurt and noodles

• read his DeVry rejection letter

• felt for his left ball to make sure it was there (it was)

• used a pencil eraser to make a quarter shiny

The following is an accurate account of what Donavan, sales rep at the Gold Bunion kiosk at the Gladenville Mall in Pennsylvania did while working on the afternoon of January 12, 2014:

• loosened tie in order to tighten it again

• replayed the entire DVD box set to "Band Of Brothers" in his head by memory

• wondered if his stand's location in front of White|Black was ironic, considering his mixed ethnicity

• tried to blow a snot without using his hands

The following is an accurate account of what Bruce A., attendant at the Bath Fitter stand at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, NC did while working on January 13, 2014:

• shifted weight to his left foot

• shifted weight to his right

• did the hokey pokey

• turned himself around

• thought about what it all meant

The following is an accurate account of what Carson and Rita, attendants at the Bedazzle This kiosk in Sun Valley Shopping Center in Ventura, California did while working on January 10, 2014:

(• Nothing. The stand was shut down in 2008.)

The following is an accurate account of what Quentin, attendant at the Smartphone Repair kiosk at the Arundel Mills Shopping Center in Bridgeport, CT did while working on January 16, 2014:

• tried to figure out how to make the bullet symbol on his Blackberry

• sucked air in through the space between his lower teeth, causing an irritating half-whistle sound

• looked at the Captain D's online menu

• rapped the lyrics to Tupac's "I Ain't Mad At Cha"

6 Lies Told In The Liberty Village Premium Outlets Back-To-School & Fall Preview Sale Brochure

1. The joyful affection between little girl and the young woman is faked.

2. They're not related. The young, thin woman has obviously never even given birth before.

3. The little girl is not actually a ballerina.

4. Not actually open from 10am to 6pm on Sunday. About around 5:45pm, Judy starts locking up the DSW entrance and declares that the mall is closed. Judy is usually in a hurry to get home to watch HBO's "Veep," starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

5. It's actually hard to "Shop Brilliantly" when stores like Sunglass Hut and Orange Julius are being run by kids who barely graduated high school.

6. If you follow Church Street to the end, you wind up in an old cotton field with a scarecrow in a turtleneck and overalls.

EADJ ENTRY #400 for 2008!

Eat A Dick Joel has been committed to giving you the freshest, most consistent blog entries it can scrape together at the last minute. And since its inception, EADJ has never failed once to post at least one entry every weekday. You can take that to the bank, Cheryl.


Actually, uh, no, Pewter Bear. We were congratulating ourselves on 400 entries this year, not saying 2008 was a great year. 2008 was not a great year. It was a pretty terrible year, actually. The biggest stock market dive in American history, the mudslinging of the Presidential election, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Oh, for crying out loud, why are we even talking to you? What we should have said is FUCK OFF.


Also, we hope your entire family dies of tuberculosis, Pewter Bear. Forgot to mention that.

An IM Message From Jessica:

Some things never change.

Can a Window Display Change Your Life?

I was about to just caption this "A Window Display Found In Brooklyn," but after a second look, I came to realize how utterly genius this seemingly random arrangement of disparate objects this is.

It is essentially a Neo-Dadaist masterpiece, an installation that is not simply an act by the artist alone– the spectator on the sidewalk brings the interpretation of the piece out in to the world by deciphering and interpreting its inner qualifications and thus adds their contribution to the creative act.

But the piece transcends Dadasim, too, thereby rebelling against rebellion. It overlaps into Abstract Expressionism and Pop Art with its use of found objects, corporate logos, innovative combinations and surprise, eschewing the traditional, methodical creation of art.


What is the meaning of the ParaSpa between the legs of the walker, and behind the erotic single stockinged mannequin leg? Is this "A Christmas Story" tribute? Why is there a beanie baby of a dog lying on the seat? Seriously, what the fuck piss is going on there?

Maddening. Brilliant. Erotic. Stultifying. Stink-a-rooni.